


Soulmates?

by amythis



Category: The Conners (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-08-14 05:29:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 56,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16486751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: Darlene tries to figure out familial and romantic relationships without her mother's advice.





	1. Hats

**Author's Note:**

> This won't be consistent with my "Roseanne" fic but I'll try to make it consistent with both shows. (Except for Season Nine of course, which wasn't even consistent with itself.) As with _Work in Progress_ , I don't know where this story will go because I don't know where canon will go. But Darlene definitely still intrigues me as a character.
> 
> January 16th update: Um, so about keeping it canonical, blush! This story has really blindsided me in the last couple months and I wrote a lot during the four-week gap between "Ben episodes," including some stuff about Becky, that Episode 10 has now contradicted. I figured it was easier to rewrite this note than half a dozen chapters. I will incorporate elements of Episode 10, and 11, into the story but I am so absorbed in this world (in a way I haven't been since probably Harry Potter a dozen years ago) that I think I will stay with these characters and go beyond Season One. Then in the Fall, assuming that Laurie Metcalf is right that there will be a Season Two, I'll probably write a different story based on that. If I'm already wondering what Darlene's Valentine's Day is going to be like, I'm just not going to be able to take a nine-month hiatus from her and those she loves.

Once again I've learned that a lot can happen in 24 hours, or in this case 36. I don't want to put this on the level of Mom's death, but it's going to take me awhile to process this, all of this.

It started when I went to see Mark's teacher yesterday afternoon. David was supposed to meet me there because he's promised to be a more involved dad now that he's living in Lanford. Yeah, with Blue, head-shake. He showed up late, with Blue.

She's as bad as I expected, a total dippy hippie. And I say that as someone who has what Aunt Jackie calls "my bohemian side." At least I'm grounded, and not in the walk-barefoot-in-the-dirt sense.

So she floats in there and acts like she's some sort of Mark expert, because she'd met him twice. And I find out that, without discussing it beyond a vague promise I made months ago, the kids are going to sleep over at David and Blue's. But I gave in. I mean, we all want David to be a more involved dad, and he's going to have to learn picking up kids' clothes, dealing with meltdowns, and cleaning up vomit somehow.

As for Blue's influence, sigh. I guess she's harmless, the barefoot thing aside. I did love Geena for calling me a wonderful woman in comparison to Blue. My sister-in-law and I have had our clashes, but she's great. D.J. is lucky to have found her again.

God, when David showed up to get the kids, it was weird to have him there in the living room, and not just because Mom is gone. And I couldn't help it, I had to tease him about whether I might blurt out to Blue about having sex with him three months ago, before they "merged their spiritual paths." He admitted that he'd been ready to dump her because the sex with me was great. God, it was always great with him! I joked about it, like once telling my mom early on, in front of David, that it was punishment, but, no, it was always great. And I could see it happening, that thing between us, that's been there since the day we complimented each other's out-of-control hair. That connection, and not just physical.

And I know, I promised my mom that I would let David go, for the good of our kids. But it's so hard sometimes. And I could see it in his eyes that he was tempted. He told me not to confuse him. He wants to make things work with Blue because she's his "soulmate."

God, that word hurt, even though David is so sweet, he didn't mean to hurt me, I know. I'd always thought we were soulmates, even when we argued. Not that we're clones or something, but we balanced each other so well, like Mom and Dad. But I love him so much that I have to let him see this through, no matter what I think of Blue.

Then Mark and Mary came in, barefoot, and we dropped the subject, yeah, just in time.

So I was going to have a weekend without the kids. You have no idea how weird this feels. I mean, I was pregnant when I got married. The baby died but I was still a mom. I've been a mom for over twenty years, actively for sixteen. 

Last night I just stayed in, watching TV with Dad, trying to get used to being free of responsibility.

But Saturday night is Señoritas Nite at Becky's restaurant. I went with Jackie, who also has been a mom for over twenty years, but Andy is gone now.

Anyway, that was nice, just hanging out with my aunt and my sister. Honestly, even that felt like a wild night compared to the last couple decades. And it felt good to talk to them about David and his primary color.

But Becky encouraged me to find someone now that David has someone. I swear I didn't plan to look for anyone tonight. But then a cute guy offered to buy me a drink and I said sure.

He was charmingly awkward, babbling a little. OK, maybe if he weren't so cute, it might've been annoying. He even babbled when he said he likes my curly hair but maybe I don't like it because people always want to change something about themselves.

I couldn't help it, I said I'm direct and I wondered if he was hoping the small talk would lead to sex. He said it didn't have to, but I told him I was seriously considering it, because I was.

I know, it was a big step. I'm not Becky, or Jackie in her younger days. I don't sleep around. The truth is, although I've dated other people, the only other man I've slept with was my college boyfriend, Jimmy.

But maybe I make too big a deal about sex. Maybe the best way to get over David was to just go out and do it with someone else. And it wouldn't have to be a commitment or anything.

Still, I wanted to talk to the guy awhile before jumping into bed with him. We took our gin and tonics back to his table, so at least I could do this part without Becky listening in. I will say this, she always did support me trying to attract guys, even when I ended up looking ridiculous, like with Barry.

We sat down and I told this cute guy, "You should know, I'm not good at small talk because there are no simple answers in my life."

"Favorite color?"

"Black."

"Smooth or chunky?"

"Chunky, unless you're not talking about peanut butter."

"Favorite monkey?"

"What the hell? Uh, organ-grinder's monkeys because they look like they're wearing bellhop hats."

He smiled. "Monkee with a double E."

"God, I don't know. The one with the hat."

"Mike?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So you like hats?"

"No, it's just you're asking me hat-related questions now."

"Favorite Mexican dance?"

"The lambada."

"I'm pretty sure that's not Mexican."

"Well, I've seen people dance it here, and you can see how authentic this place is."

He chuckled. "Um, favorite cat in children's literature?"

"Jenny."

"Who the hell is Jenny?"

"A little black cat with a red scarf. My mom used to read me the Cat Club books." It was weird to mention my mom, and to remember that I told Jimmy she was dead, just because I was trying to keep her from interfering in that relationship.

"Nice. Um, favorite way to sort students at Hogwarts?"

I didn't mention how last year Mark dressed as Luna Lovegood for Halloween. I didn't want to tell him about my kids, not tonight. Instead I said, "By sorting bat."

"Bat as in the animal, or bat as in baseball?"

"More likely cricket bat since they're British."

"I would expect them to use beater's bats actually. You know, for Quidditch."

"Yeah, I know. My turn to ask questions."

"Are they hat-related?"

"I don't think so. What would you change about yourself?"

"Physically?"

"However you want to interpret the question."

"Well, when I was a kid, I would watch TV and want thin lips like Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman. But I'm pretty happy with my lips now."

"They are nice lips."

"Why, thank you. So are yours."

"Can we go somewhere and kiss?"

"Why not here? I mean, compared to the forbidden dance, who's going to notice?"

"Well, for one thing, I don't want to kiss you in front of my sister."

"Oh, that was your sister sitting next to you?"

"My aunt will be very flattered when I tell her that."

"Oh, I meant older sister."

"Thanks. My older sister is the barmaid."

"Ah. I live a ten-minute walk away. I mean we can just kiss. No pressure."

"We'll start with kissing."

"Great!"

I couldn't help thinking that I hadn't kissed that many guys besides David and Jimmy.

I waved to Jackie and Becky on the way out but I didn't want to talk to them. For all I knew, I'd be back before closing. I didn't want any more advice. I couldn't help wondering though what Mom would say. She'd probably be glad I was moving on from David, but she might think I shouldn't rush into sex. Well, maybe I wouldn't, but we'd see how things went.

We didn't talk much along the way. Maybe he'd run out of questions for the moment. As for me, I think I was protecting myself, not learning anything important so this wouldn't have to mean much.

I did say, "One more question before we go in," when he unlocked the front door to his apartment building.

"Is it hat-related?"

"Not unless you're named Fedora or something."

"Oh, sorry, I thought I told you. Yours is Darlene, right?"

"Except on Señoritas Nite. Then it's Darlina!" I tried to give it a Jackie-ish flourish.

He laughed. "It's Neil. With an I. As opposed to an A."

"Thanks, I wouldn't want to misspell it when I text about you during sex. Are you blushing?"

"That's what I would change about myself physically."

"Good choice."

"Come on upstairs."

"OK."

He led me to his apartment, a one-bedroom. He clearly lives alone. I definitely do not, but I didn't want to tell him that unless I had to.

"So do you want a drink or something?" he offered as he closed the door.

"Uh, no, you already got me a drink at the restaurant, remember?"

"Right. I'm sorry, I'm really rusty."

"So am I."

"Maybe we need to be oiled. OK, that came out way weirder than it sounded in my head."

"Neil, relax. It's OK. We'll kiss and if we suck, OK, I'm going to rephrase that."

"Should we stand or sit?"

I resisted making a pun on "Neil." "You're tall. Let's sit."

"I'm five-nine."

"I'm five-three." And David is five-five. "Sit."

"You're a little bossy."

"I used to be worse."

"Great." He sat down on his couch.

I sat next to him. "Ready?"

"I know, this is stupid. It's just a kiss. It's just it's been awhile. And you're a little intimidating."

"Sorry," I murmured then quickly kissed him on the lips.

"It's OK." He kissed me, a longer kiss.

Afterwards, I said, "That didn't suck."

"I've definitely had worse."

"Me, too." But not recently.

We kissed some more. He wasn't David. He wasn't familiar. I couldn't anticipate him. That was both scary and exciting.

"How late can you stay?" he asked after awhile.

I almost said that my kids are at my ex's this weekend, but I didn't want to get into any of that. "I don't work Sundays." I'm still at the casino, although I'm looking for a second job during the day.

"Me neither. So I don't have to kick you out for another twenty-four hours."

"We'll be necking by then."

It didn't take that long. Neil has a really nice neck, long and sensitive. Yes, I know how weird that sounds, but it's true.

And he was nibbling on my neck and nuzzling my ears.

"God, I forgot how fun it is just to make out!"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"You make me feel like a teenager."

"I had that effect on my last boyfriend." But then David was fifteen when we got together.

"I want to put my hand under your shirt."

"Go for it."

He had a man's touch, the way he got me out of my bra, the way he teased my hard nipples.

"God, Neil!"

"I really want you, Darlene! We can keep taking it slow, but I hope we get there."

"This is slow?"

He chuckled. "For some people."

"For you?"

"No. But I, it's been awhile."

"For sex? Or second base?"

"Both. It's been a year."

"Oh."

"You?"

"Three months."

"That's not that long."

"Well, it'd been awhile before that."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now."

"What do you want to do right now?"

"Make out on your bed. With fewer clothes."

He grinned. "I like your directness."

"Good."

"It's this way." He helped me to my feet and led me to his bedroom, still holding my hand.

We had an attack of shyness and turned our backs when we undressed. I left my panties on but he got completely naked.

"Um, Neil, can you put on, um?"

"A hat?"

"Yeah, fine. A 'hat.' If you have any that haven't expired."

"I'll check." I expected him to look in his nightstand but he went into his walk-in closet. After a couple minutes, he came out wearing a condom and a top hat.

"Why do you have that in your closet?"

"I'm thinking of wearing it for Halloween."

"I really hope you're talking about the top hat."

"You'll have to come over and see, won't you?"

"I'm afraid I have plans." To go to Mark's school carnival.

"I'll send you a selfie that day."

"Oh, wow, dick pics! I am lucky!"

He laughed and came back to bed. We kissed some more, which was very different horizontal and with only one article of clothing each, not that his top hat stayed on for long. He tossed it to the floor by the time he was teasing my nipples with his tongue. So I shed my apparel, too.

He kissed his way down and I came when his very nice lips were between my legs.

Soon I was begging for him to mount me, and he happily complied.

Someone who wasn't David or even Jimmy, someone whose last name I didn't know, was inside me, teasing me, filling me. And I throbbed around him, coming, calling his name with an I just where it should be.

And now he's snoring in my ear and I feel wonderful and guilty.

I sort of wish I could ask Mom's advice, but I'm not even sure what the question is.


	2. Code Blue

Apparently a lot can happen in twelve hours, too. When I woke up in a strange bed this morning, I didn't know my daughter had slept with a boy. But I'll get to that.

Neil had rolled away during the night. I thought of waking up with David three months ago, how I told him he looks like my kids. But with Neil, nice though he seemed, I didn't feel like lingering. I got out of bed as quietly and carefully as I could.

I was wondering whether I should try to sponge bathe in his kitchen or just put yesterday's clothes on my far from fresh body, when he rolled back over and then rolled his eyes. "Really? You're doing the sneaking out thing?"

"I was going to leave $100 on the nightstand."

He didn't laugh. "Listen, fine, we just met and I know we haven't got to the lazy Sunday mornings, but can you at least be an adult and say goodbye and maybe thanks?"

"Thank you for the gin & tonic."

He almost laughed that time. "You're welcome. Do you want to shower before you go? It doesn't have to be with me."

"Yeah, thank you. Um, where's your bathroom?"

"Darlene, it's a one-bedroom apartment. I think you're smart enough to find the one remaining door yourself." He rolled away again.

I thought of saying something sarcastic but I knew I'd earned that. He probably felt rejected. And, yeah, it would've been nice to snuggle and maybe have sex again but I couldn't. It felt more intimate in the light of day.

I left the room without saying anything else and, yes, I easily found the bathroom. I didn't wash my hair, since he has straight hair and doesn't have the right kind of shampoo. But it did feel good to freshen up.

I wrapped a towel around myself afterwards and cautiously went back to the bedroom. To my surprise, he was putting on pajama bottoms.

"Oh, you don't have to see me out. You can go back to sleep."

"Darlene, how are you getting home?"

I hadn't thought that through. It was too far to walk and the buses don't run much Sunday mornings in Lanford. I guess I could've called Jackie, since we'd gone to the restaurant in her car. It'd be a little embarrassing, but not much. I definitely was not going to call Dad. And I wouldn't have called Mom even I could've. Maybe I'd use Uber, now that Mom's no longer working for them.

"I can drive you if you give me a few minutes to get ready. Unless you don't want me to know where you live?"

"Um, thanks. Just don't walk me to the door." With my luck, Dad would be getting the Sunday paper at that moment.

"Uh, OK. Let me shower and then we can head out."

"Thank you."

I waited until he left the room before I unwrapped the towel and put on yesterday's clothes. I sat in the living room and waited until he came out of the bathroom in both pajama bottoms and top. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys. "Ready?"

"You're going like that?"

"It's illegal to drive naked in Lanford."

I laughed and didn't argue.

It was pretty warm so I just carried my jacket. We didn't talk much in the car, mostly me giving him directions.

"Third and Delaware," he said when we arrived.

"Thanks."

"No problem. So, uh, listen, can I have your number?"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, how else am I going to send you dick pics?"

"There's always email."

"But then I have to send them as attachments."

"Yeah, fine." I opened up my purse and took out my pen and notepad.

"Wow, this is old school!"

I blushed a little, because I share that physical problem. "I write sometimes and I like to jot down ideas on paper for later."

"What do you write?"

"It's a long story."

"A novella?"

"Cute." I scrawled my number and ripped out that page. "It's OK if you don't call. Or text."

"Just obscene photos, I promise."

"As long as we know where we stand."

"Can I kiss you goodbye?"

"I have nosy neighbors."

"OK."

As I started taking off my shoes, I said, "So, listen, last night was fun but—"

"What are you doing?"

"Um." I had no explanation, or even a snappy comeback.

"You live with someone, don't you?"

"Uh, what makes you say that?"

"Well, for one, there's the shoeless thing."

"I'm trying to connect with Mother Earth."

"OK. And there's the two-story house."

"Well, OK, this is embarrassing, but I live with my paren— parental unit, and he's overprotective."

"Ah. Is he going to drop by my apartment later and beat me up?"

"Not if I can sneak in before he wakes up."

"Goodnight, Darlene."

"Goodnight, Neil." Now I really wanted to kiss him, but I just couldn't draw this out anymore.

I got out of the car, carrying my purse, jacket, and shoes. He drove off before I reached the porch. I felt bad about how I handled things, but I wasn't ready for this. I needed some time alone to think. The kids were supposed to stay at David's until after supper, so that would give me some privacy. Yeah, I'd probably have to check in with my parental unit but Dad has never been as nosy as Mom. In fact, the less he knew about this, the better for both of us.

However, I didn't even make it into the house before David showed up. I'd just unlocked the front door when David called out to me. I pretended I was just heading out, shoeless, and David didn't question it. He wanted to talk, so we went in. It took him awhile to get to the point and then he said that Harris had a boy over and had sex. I was furious, at David, at Blue, at Harris, at myself. No, not at Neil, he doesn't even know I'm a mom, and I was supposed to be off duty this weekend. 

David said he was called in to work overtime at his new job at Trader Joe's, but Blue was around and she talked to Harris about it. That was the worst part. I'm Harris's mom, I'm supposed to be the one to go to about this kind of thing.

It actually got worse. I stormed out and got in my car. I drove over to David and Blue's house and stormed in there. Blue was in the living room and the kids were upstairs packing. I found out that Blue knew about Harris's plans to lose her virginity before it happened. They had a sex talk, a mother-daughter sex talk!

As I was yelling at her, David showed up. I guess he wanted to stop me killing Blue, but he was wimpy like always. I don't know, maybe Blue is his soulmate. I didn't feel like I was this morning, not with him handing his parenting responsibilities, and mine, to someone who's met our kids three times.

I yelled some more and then stormed out. By the time the kids came out to the car with their stuff, I'd calmed down a little but I waited until I'd driven a few blocks and Mark had his earbuds in before I started talking to Harris.

It was a good talk, I think. I don't know, Harris is so much like me in some ways, but she keeps things bottled up more. When I said I thought she'd come talk to me when she thought she was ready for sex, she asked if I talked to my mom about it. I said my mom relentlessly grilled me. I thought Harris and I had a different relationship, but I don't know.

I didn't really talk to Mom about sex with David until after we broke up I think, one of our countless breakups. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together, much more than Becky and her Mark. And, yeah, part of the problem, besides Mom's nosiness, was we had to have our relationship in the shadow of our older siblings. Like when I told Dad, "Mom, wants me to get birth control because Becky had sex with Mark." I wanted me and David to be different, and we were, but we had our own issues.

We didn't hop into bed together. Hell, even when we tried to lose our virginities on Prom Night, I carefully planned it out and then we were foiled by his impotence. We ended up doing it in my bedroom, later on, and it went much better, although we had to work our way up to great.

The thing is, I knew David. He was my best friend and my boyfriend for a long time before we had sex. My family knew him, at first as Mark's little brother and then as a person in his own right, a person Mom was crazy about. David was already spending as much time at my house as I was. I don't know this boy who deflowered my daughter, not even his name.

And meanwhile, in the back of my mind during our whole conversation, was the fact that last night I slept with a man I hardly know, so I'm not one to judge, even if I am twenty-five years older than my daughter. Like, she checked her texts and she hadn't heard from the boy. I knew it was too early to hear from Neil, and I probably scared him off with my weirdness this morning, but I wondered how it would feel if he didn't contact me, dick pics or not. I told Harris that the boy would call, or he wouldn't but she'd be fine. I was half talking to myself. And maybe I had pushed Neil away because I didn't want to do the whole girly thing of waiting to hear from the guy. I want to be stronger than that, want my daughter to be stronger than that. But I knew it was hard on her.

There was never any danger that David wouldn't contact me after we first had sex. It helped that he was living in my basement by then.

Harris told me she wanted me to go with her to get the morning-after pill at a drugstore because she thought they used the condom wrong. Great. I mean that seriously and sarcastically. It would've been worse if she'd confided in Blue about that. Blue would probably recommend something holistic, made of hemp and echinacea.

I made Mark wait in the car. He had his tunes and he's an easy-going kid, so that was no problem.

I refused Mom's offer to put me on the Pill. I bought condoms, which David and I did use correctly. My teenage pregnancy came much later, when I was in college.

Mom's older cousin Ronnie bought Mom condoms. There was no way that Mom would've confided in Grandma Bev about sex. Bev hated sex until she was in her 60s I've heard. Which is funny, because Nana Mary was such a free spirit. Yeah, I miss her, too, but that grieving was different than for Mom.

Dad was mildly surprised when he went out to get the newspaper and saw me bringing the kids home. "I thought David had them all weekend."

"He has to work so I said I'd take them for today."

"Oh. You want the funnies, Mark?"

"Thanks, Grandpa Dan."

After that, it was sort of a regular Sunday. I didn't ground Harris, but I did tell her that she has to bring the boy around to meet the family.

"Can't you just take my allowance away?"

"Hey, be glad he doesn't have to meet your grandmother."

She sighed. "He probably won't even text."

"Well, if he does, you can't see him unless he picks you up at the house."

"That's so '80s!"

I winced and felt old. Well, I am old, old enough to be a grandmother apparently. Oh God, let Harris be one woman in our line who does not get pregnant before age 21! Well, OK, Becky and Jackie didn't, but you know what I mean.

"All right, but no Nana Bev."

"Deal." I'm not in any hurry for my grandmother to know about Harris or me having sex this weekend.

Neither of us heard from "our guys" the rest of the morning or the afternoon. Not that she told me, but I could see her sneaking peeks at her phone during dinner. No, I didn't tell her about Neil. Even if there's a future there, I'm not ready to have him meet my kids, or any of my family. And I'm certainly not going to admit to my daughter, although I might to my sister and aunt, that I slept with someone I just met. OK, Becky and Jackie probably guessed that when I left with him and didn't come back.

Then this evening, when the kids had gone upstairs and Dad had gone out to the garage, Neil texted me: **So, I thought we had a great time last night but you gave me a lot of mixed signals this morning. If it was just a one-time thing, fine, say so and I'll leave you alone.**

I texted back, **What, no dick pics?**

**He's feeling shy and rejected.**

**I didn't mean to reject any part of you. You seem like a good guy. I just have some stuff I need to work out, nothing to do with you.**

**Do you want to talk about it?**

**Not in text.**

**You don't have the right emojis?**

**Exactly.**

**You want to talk in person?**

**Now that's old school!**

**Is that a yes or no?**

I hesitated and then typed yes. Before Neil could reply, someone knocked. I tucked the phone into my back pocket.

It was David. I had to forget about Neil for the moment and concentrate on the man who is still technically my husband. Not that I hadn't been thinking about David this weekend of course, and not just about my anger. We talked, calmly, about parenting and Blue's place in the kids' lives. It wasn't easy, but it was easier than the part that came next.

I was practically crying when I told him that it's clear that things are serious with him and Blue and it's time we get a divorce. I mean, we've talked about it before, of course, but we've never actually followed through on it. Divorce is so permanent, not just another breakup.

He agreed but he said it'll be weird not being married to me. I said I thought it would've been weird when he started living with another woman, but I admitted it'll be weird not being married to him. He's been such a big part of my life for so long. I guess he always will be, especially since my kids look like him.

I'd taken my phone out of my pocket when I sat down. And I heard it chime after David sat next to me. I glanced down.

**Friday?**

David asked about it and I hesitated and then said I'd met a guy who wants to go out on Friday.

"Cool. You like him?"

I looked down. "Oh, I don't know. I mean, we only went out once." I looked at David. "But, you know, I think he could be my soulmate."

David and I smiled at each other. And then it was like it hit us that this is it, we're really moving on. And I think we were both about to cry. (OK, David cries more than I do, but still.) He quickly squeezed my arm and headed upstairs to say goodnight to the kids.

I waited until after he left the house before I texted yes. Then I shut off my phone. It's been a long, draining weekend and we can work out the details later.


	3. Bad News

Bad news: I think I met my soulmate. And, no, it's not Neil.

Not that there's anything wrong with Neil. He's a great guy. We were pretty happy the month we went out. He was cool about me being not yet divorced and he was cool about me being a mom. In fact, he's a preschool teacher and is good with kids.

I planned to have him meet Harris and Mark eventually, if things kept going well. But first I invited him to an adults-only dinner at La Casa Bonita. Not just because it's where we first met but because Becky couldn't get the night off, so at least we'd see her as our waitress. And, OK, Neil lives close by and it would be easy to go home with him.

The problem is, while he was in the restroom, before D.J. and Geena got there, Jackie said Neil reminded her of David. Dad agreed but I denied it. David is an artist, not a teacher. And they don't look especially alike, other than they're both brunet.

But it had more to do with the relationship style. Not that Neil and I were as close as David and I. But, OK, I pushed him around a little, and he let me. I don't think it was conscious for either of us. But it turns out that he was used to dating controlling women. We slipped into our old roles in this new relationship.

I didn't think I could change. And I didn't want another relationship like with David, especially when it wouldn't be with David.

That night I said I didn't feel well.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think you have what your sister has?"

"No, it's not a hangover. "

He chuckled and then gave me a warm hug. "Feel better."

"Thank you." I felt rotten. He was such a nice guy, and therefore I had to dump him.

I waited until the next day. He was upset at first, but I made him see how we were falling into old patterns. And because he'd gotten used to assuming I was right, he accepted our breakup.

Then I went home and found out I'm going to be an aunt again. No, Geena isn't pregnant. That would make too much sense. She's still in her 30s and she never planned for Mary to be an only child. She's a good mom and she and D.J. are reunited after months apart.

And, no, it's not Jerry's hypothetical girlfriend up in Alaska. We haven't heard from him since he said he was really sorry but he wasn't going to make it down for the funeral. It's not that he didn't love Mom, but once he broke free of the Lanford Triangle, he never looked back. I envy him sometimes.

I'm the sibling who's going to be most affected by Becky's pregnancy. I know, she's 43 and last spring, when she had the crazy plan to be a surrogate mother, the doctor told her she had a 5% chance of conception.

She's single. In fact, this pregnancy is from a one-night stand. I know, I shouldn't judge, especially considering how things started out with Neil. But we always used a condom, and Becky obviously was unprotected.

She's an alcoholic. I know she's trying to quit but she hasn't yet. Again, I shouldn't judge. A couple years before I first got pregnant, I tried different drugs. It was experimentation more than addiction, but I could've gone down that road. Maybe I would've, if David had died instead of his brother.

When we were kids, Becky was like a second mother. She babysat and bossed us. When I was in a listless depression, Becky took on more than her share of household responsibilities. And she loved babies. I always expected her to be a mom. And I would be the childless aunt, like Jackie was then.

It didn't work out that way. At some point, Becky and I traded places, traded futures. And I got used to the idea, especially after she became a widow, that she would be the childless sister.

I tell myself it would be different if Becky were healthy, if she had a partner, if she had planned this. And I would worry less, but I think I'm mostly weirded out by the shape of our family changing, when we're still getting used to Mom's death.

Becky is happy to be pregnant, no matter the circumstances. She wants us to be supportive, but how can I be?

With all that on my mind, plus, you know, still raising my kids and dealing with the David & Blue thing and, oh yeah, Mom's death and Dad's grief, I was all psyched to apply for a job. Dad had brought home a copy of _Lock 'Em Up_ , a local monthly tabloid that focuses on recent arrests. And they were actually hiring a copy editor! OK, it's not exactly what I dreamed of in art school, but it would help financially, and it's closer to my dreams than the casino is. Or Build-a-Bear or a bunch of other jobs I applied for and didn't get. If nothing else, the interview would make another good story.

I updated my résumé and the next day went to drop it off. I didn't dress up much compared to Chicago. One, I hate hose and heels, and two, it didn't seem like the sort of organization that would be looking for business casual. OK, I wore pin-striped slacks, a black blouse, and a black vest, but I threw my faux-leather jacket on over that. I wanted to look professional but tough, like I could write but about suspects.

There was no secretary in the reception area, so I went into the office. The boss, and apparently only employee, was sitting at one of two desks, wearing jeans, a maroon T-shirt, and a gray hoodie. I felt overdressed, and probably over-qualified.

I decided to play to my strengths, because I'm not just an editor, I'm a writer. As positively as I could, I shared my ideas on how to improve the magazine, make the writing stronger and more interesting. And the guy, Ben, patiently but stubbornly rejected every change.

"...Or you do it precisely as I say and you can keep your job."

Just like that, he hired me, without checking my references or anything. I was stunned but of course I accepted. I figured I'd start by doing it the way he wants and then introduce my ideas gradually.

And I got a promotion the very next day. Well, OK, it didn't happen quite like I expected. I showed him a sample of my writing on a robbery and he said I needed to dumb it down for the readers. He was, however, impressed by my offer to build a website in two weeks, to attract younger readers. So now I'm "the managing editor of our new Internet Department." And I get 10% of all the income I generate. He wouldn't give me complete creative control though. Still, it's a start.

And maybe something else is starting, or could. He suggested we order dinner to celebrate and I suggested we go out to eat. I even let him pick the restaurant, which I never did with David.

Ben wanted Chinese, specifically shrimp fried rice. Shrimp, God, it was my making Neil not order shrimp the other night that led to our breakup. But when I told Ben he didn't want shrimp because it's not processed ethically, he said, not at all angrily, "Ohhh! You're confused. You thought I was a child, when I'm actually a grown-ass adult."

I apologized for pushing and said that's not who I am. And he treated me to a nice Chinese dinner.

And I think he's my soulmate. I've honestly never met anyone like him. I've met guys, like in art school, who thought they could tell me what to do, but they were easy to shoot down. Ben stands up for himself, very unlike David and Neil. (Jimmy was more "Whatever," as if nothing mattered.) I wish Ben would compromise, but I guess he doesn't when it's about his life. It's frustrating but intriguing.

He's not even my physical type. He's tall, like six-foot, and a little burly, with dark blond hair and a beard, and not a hipster beard but a substantial chin-cover. He's more mountain-man than I usually go for. But he's got these eyes, gray with a black rim around the iris, and they're so expressive, even when the rest of his face is deadpan.

And he's my boss. It's one thing for Becky to have, as I found out today, one-night stands with her manager and the busboy— the busboy is the dad by the way— and another for me to get this crazy crush on my boss-slash-only-coworker. I doubt I'm Ben's type anyway. I'll try to keep it professional. And he's probably not my soulmate. I hope.


	4. Two Weeks

Even with Mom gone, I'm still getting teased about my crush by three generations of Conner women. Not that I told them, but once Crystal met him, I knew it was only a matter of time.

It's because of the casino, sort of. Crystal missed working there after she retired, so she came back. It's hard for me to understand that. I wouldn't have taken the job if I weren't so desperate.

The worst part is the creeps who hit on the waitresses. The biggest jerk gets away with it because he's a high-roller and the management wants him to keep showing up. The other night, he wanted me to bend over to pick up a $10 tip so he could ogle my ass. I stuck gum on my shoe and picked it up that way.

I ended up telling Ben about it. I don't know why. Maybe I wanted him to give me a raise so I could quit the casino. Instead, he offered to show me a self-defense move that involved me putting my hand on his shoulder. And all I could think about was how close we were standing and how I was touching him. I couldn't concentrate. Either he sensed my crush and didn't want to encourage me, or it was mutual sexual tension and he didn't want to go there, especially when he's my boss. So instead he taught me how to act crazy scary. That I can do.

I didn't see the jerk customer that night, but I still couldn't get to sleep when I got home from the casino. I had too much on my mind. Then I ended up falling asleep right away in front of the TV.

I woke to Becky telling me she's giving her baby away to a lesbian couple we know from high school. The joy has faded and she's really scared about being a mom. I talked her through it as best I could, pointing out that she has stopped drinking, ever since she found out she's pregnant, and saying that I and the rest of the family will help out. I want to be a good aunt to this kid. And, yeah, it was one of those sisterly bonding moments that are easier in adulthood than they were in adolescence. I hope Mom would be proud of us.

The jerk was back the next night, but Ben showed up. I was surprised and pleased to see him. He said he was there to maybe gamble and maybe find the jerk and punch him until he's unconscious. Even though I'm used to taking care of myself, I was flattered. And I had the feeling that this was not typical boss behavior, to show up at my other job and protect me.

But when I asked him what feelings were motivating this, since it seemed like a boyfriend move, he awkwardly denied it and then said that my questioning his intentions seemed like a girlfriend move. So I mocked him and we both laughed. And I guess that gave me the courage to confront the jerk, throwing a drink in his face when he hit on me. The jerk threatened to get me fired but I said I'm going to quit. And I did, but not before I told Ben he's going to give me a raise and medical. He didn't argue, for once.

I went right into my boss's office, I mean my other boss's office and quit.

The casino owner chomped on his cigar and then said, "Tonight or two weeks' notice?"

"Tonight."

"Then you're not gettin' your last paycheck."

"Fine." It was worth it.

"And you gotta turn in your outfit."

"Oh, darn." I headed to the locker room.

Crystal came in as I was putting on my street clothes and she said, "Darlene, I just talked to your boyfriend."

I blushed. "He's not my boyfriend."

"Too bad. He's cute and muy macho." Her Spanish accent is even worse than Becky's.

"Gracias."

"I think he's perfect for you. You're just like Roseanne and he reminds me of Dan."

"Please stop."

"Sorry. So you finally quit?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, I'm gonna miss you here, but at least now you've got a good other job, and a great boss like Ben."

"Yeah."

"And he's so sweet. He said I look really young for your step-grandmother."

"Oh God, you told him how we're related?"

"Of course. Ed was the best husband I ever had."

"I remember."

"Good men don't come along every day, Darlene. And David was sweet but he wasn't strong and you need someone strong in your life."

Crystal is one of the last people I'd take romantic advice from, not that I have many role models in that department. "Thanks. Can you take my outfit to the laundry room?"

"Of course, Sugar. You take care of yourself, OK?"

"I will."

I hoped Ben would still be there when I left but it looked like he'd gone home. Well, I'd see him at work the next day and we'd continue whatever the hell we were doing.

And we did. Only now I was more sure it was mutual sexual tension, but neither of us was willing to acknowledge it. I know what's holding me back, but I don't know what it is in his case. Yeah, he's my boss, but it's not like we'd have to deal with work gossip.

Instead, I have to deal with three generations of Conner women teasing me about my crush.

"So, Darlene," began Jackie when she came over to check on the chickens (don't ask), "Crystal says your boss is nice and cute."

"Ew, gross!" Harris said, looking up from her homework at the kitchen table. "Isn't he too young for her? Mom said he's her age."

"I think she meant she approves of Darlene's new man."

"What happened to Neil? I thought Mark and I were going to meet him soon."

I blushed. "We broke up a couple weeks ago. And Ben isn't my 'new man.' "

"Yet," Jackie teased.

"Jeez, Mom, slow down. You're still technically married, you know."

"Yeah, I know. And I don't even know if he's interested."

"Why not?" my aunt asked. "After all, you're a catch."

"Yeah, I know. I have a college degree and no diabetes."

"Is he gay?" my daughter asked.

"Crystal said he's 'muy macho.' "

"That doesn't prove anything," Harris argued. "What does he look like?"

So I had to describe Ben's looks without sounding infatuated.

"Hm, burly and bearded. He could be a bear," Harris mused.

"What's a bear?" Jackie asked.

"A gay man who looks like Ben."

"How do you know about bears?" I asked.

"The Internet," Harris said in her _duh_ voice.

Then Jackie laughed and said, "Gentle Ben."

I blushed, since I grew up watching old TV shows on cable, but Harris asked, "Who's Gentle Ben?"

"It's a '60s TV show about a bear, I mean an actual bear, named Ben."

"Is your boss gentle, Mom?" Harris teased.

They were both cracking up when Becky came in with a basket of her laundry. "What's going on?"

"We're finding out about Darlene's hunky new boss."

"Darlene, you didn't tell me he was hunky! You just said he was stubborn and uncompromising. Which, now that I think about it, may mean he's perfect for you."

"It would be a change from Dad," Harris admitted.

"And Neil," Jackie observed.

"Look, Ben is my boss. Whatever feelings I have, or he might have, we work together and that's it."

"Uh huh," Jackie said skeptically. "And that's why he's given you a promotion, a raise, and benefits in under two weeks."

"The promotion is just because of the website design. And he only agreed to the raise and medical because that's what I told him right before I quit the casino job."

"Right before?" Becky asked. "So he was there, at the casino?"

I sighed. "He was being protective, like a big brother, because of this jerk that kept hitting on me, so I got the courage to quit with Ben's support."

"Protective? Sounds kind of like a boyfriend, Mom."

"And he's stubborn and uncompromising, but he agreed to a raise and medical just like that?" Becky said.

"We're just publishing a magazine together. That's all."

"So far," Jackie said, and the three of them cracked up.

"Shouldn't you be doing homework, laundry, and chicken care?" I said, pointing at each of them.

"Even in love, she's still a bossy little troll," Becky said but went into the laundry room.

It was quiet for awhile, except for the sound of pages turning, the washer starting, and chicken feed filling a bowl. Then I said, "Harris, I'm going to be home late tomorrow night."

"But you quit the casino."

"Yeah, but I need to stay late at the office."

"You never did before."

"Well, we have to put the magazine to bed." I immediately wanted to bite my tongue.

Jackie came back in from heading out to the backyard. "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

"No, that is not what we call it," Harris said.

Becky returned from the laundry room. "So why is that you haven't put the 'magazine' to bed before?"

"Because it's a monthly publication."

"Is it that time of the month, Darlene?" she said mock-seriously.

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Get a life," which made them laugh even more. I exited the room to their raucous laughter.

I did my best to focus on work the next night, as we emailed the layout to the publisher, in PDFs, which impressed Ben.

"What did you do before?"

"Before? I had an eighty-year-old editor named Earl in coke-bottle glasses who used a manual typewriter."

"That explains the typos."

Ben shrugged. "He worked cheap, cheaper than you. And he had a lot of good stories about Lanford crime in the '50s and '60s."

"So I'm assuming he retired?"

"In a way. He died."

I looked down at my chair, formerly Earl's chair.

"At home. In his sleep."

"Good. I mean, death is sad, but I assume he had a full life."

"He worked at a mugshot magazine in his sunset years. What more could he ask for?" I couldn't gauge how sarcastic Ben was.

"Is that what you want in 40 years?"

He shrugged again. "Well, I don't know that there will be magazines in 40 years."

"Because of technology or because of the zombie apocalypse?"

"Both."

"Well, I hope that whatever form of dystopia exists in 2058, it's favorable to _Lock 'Em Up_."

"You sentimental fool!"

We both chuckled.

Then there was an awkward silence, broken by Ben asking, "So divorced or widowed?"

"Huh?"

"You have kids. Unless they were born out of wedlock, in which case I'm sorry, unless it's not a big deal to you."

"How do you know I'm not currently married?"

"Well, you never mention a spouse and you've got pictures of two kids on your desk but no adult."

"I'm in the process of getting a divorce."

"Ah."

"You?"

"No kids."

"That you know of."

"No, believe me, I keep track of my sperm distribution."

"Wow, you are a control freak!"

"Thank you."

"So, uh, do you live with anyone?"

"No. I've lived with a couple women in the past."

"Simultaneously? That would be very _Three's Company_ of you."

"Separately. And I've never had to pretend to be gay in order to rent an apartment."

"What about wacky misunderstandings?"

"Most of my misunderstandings aren't wacky."

I nodded and went back to looking at my computer screen. I wasn't sure if we were having a misunderstanding. It was entirely possible he was gay, which is why he wouldn't have to pretend. And if that was the case, cool. I mean, I'd be personally disappointed, but you've got to admit that this would make a hell of a story later, my working for a gay man at a mugshot magazine. And if this wasn't mutual sexual tension, then I didn't have to make a move. I could just infatuate in private. Also, it would get my family off my back about my crush, which I hadn't quite admitted to them anyway.

And, as Harris pointed out, I am still technically married. I rushed into things with Neil, maybe because David rushed into things with Blue, and because I didn't want to be alone. This crush might be the next stage in the transition. I can wait until I'm actually divorced before I go out looking for someone again, and meanwhile I've got this no-pressure crush.

However, I found myself asking a few minutes later, "What were they like?"

"Well, I'm no psychiatrist, but like most arsonists, they suffered from acute pyromania."

I blinked. "I meant Janet and Chrissy."

"Oh. More like two Janets. In looks I mean. Cute little brunettes. Luckily nothing like Janet in personality."

"Luckily?"

"Well, she was pretty bossy. Jack put up with it for seven years, but I wouldn't have."

"Oh." I wasn't sure what he was telling me. Am I his type in looks but not personality?

He smiled as if fondly reminiscing. "My Janets were soft and sweet."

"So why aren't you still with at least one of them?"

He frowned. "Lots of reasons."

"OK." I tried to go back to converting Word docs to PDFs.

After a pause, he said, "And your husband? What's he like?"

"A cute little brunet. Soft and sweet."

"Is that your type?"

"I don't know that I have one type."

"Is that why you're getting divorced?"

I shook my head. "It's complicated." I didn't want to get into the arguments and how we had that can't-live-with-can't-live-without thing. Or Blue.

"OK. Um, the website looks good so far."

"Thanks."

"You've done a lot in two weeks."

"My first fortnight is always my best."

He chuckled. "So this is your peak?"

"Yeah, it's all downhill from here."

"You didn't tell me that at the interview."

"You didn't ask."

"I was just glad you looked like you wouldn't die any time soon."

"No, you're stuck with me for awhile."

"Oh, darn."

And then we did our best to put the magazine to bed.


	5. Blow-Dried

Huh, so this is what happens when I use the blow dryer.

I decided to dress up a little for work. I know, my boss wears jeans, a T-shirt, and a maybe nice jacket. And it's not like we have "clients." I talk to the advertisers over the phone, or email them. But, OK, I wanted to see if Ben would notice, even though when I told him at the casino, "Thanks for not commenting on the outfit," he said "What outfit?" Obviously he noticed then but was nice enough not to say anything.

And I wanted to look classy and professional today. No miniskirts or stilettos. OK, it was only above the waist. I still wore jeans and sneakers. But I topped them off with a black collared blouse, a maroon vest, and I don't know what you call it, not herringbone, but a black & white checked jacket. Yes, I used the blow dryer, and I put on a little makeup, mostly around my eyes. Nothing too out there.

But it was enough for Becky to notice and tease me about, with Geena's help this time. Great, it'll be little Mary next.

So I went to work and Ben looked exactly the same as always and didn't say anything about how I looked. He had, however, bought a Christmas tree for the office.

"Well, this is festive," I said, picking up the sparkly turquoise tree.

"Careful, don't knock off the Santa hat."

"What is this, six inches?"

"I didn't measure it, but I assure you it can perform all the functions of a larger tree."

"Yeah, the entire Internet Department can gather around it for our Secret Santa gift exchange."

"You're not that short."

"Well, I can perform all the functions of a taller editor."

"And more."

We were doing that not quite flirting thing again. There were sparks flying but we had plausible deniability.

I set the tree back down on the old wooden cabinet and straightened its hat, suddenly remembering Neil in his top hat, imagining Ben wearing only this hat. I blushed and quickly headed back to my desk.

A couple minutes later, Ben said, "We got the next batch of mugshots. Can you come over here and take a look at them with me?"

"Yeah, sure."

We both stood up and met over at his desk. I asked him if he ever worries that some of the people in these mugshots might be innocent. He said we're just reporting, not passing judgment, so I pointed out that the name of the magazine is kind of judge-y. He chuckled.

Then he got distracted by a "kind of hot" mugshot he said he wanted to put on the front page.

"So that's what you're attracted to? Blondes with most of their teeth?"

He chuckled and said, "I think you know exactly the kind of woman I'm attracted to."

It was the most direct he'd gotten so far, but still something he could back away from.

He sat down and pretended to look at stuff on his desk. I slowly made my way back to my chair, trying not to blush. When our eyes met, we smiled self-consciously at each other. Then we looked at our computers, but I couldn't help glancing over at him. I waved and he did a sort of salute/wave back. Then we looked away.

I said, "What are we doing?", a question I've been wanting to ask him for weeks. "I work for you. This could be complicated as hell." I had to say that, but I wanted him to argue with me, tell me we can work this out. My crush wasn't going away, and if it wasn't mutual, he needed to say that instead. I'd be incredibly embarrassed for misreading the signs, but at least I'd know.

He said I was right and, as my employer, he couldn't have me feeling pressured or uncomfortable in any way. So it was mutual, but he wasn't going to follow up on it? I mean, it's not like this is harassment, but maybe it has to do with that power imbalance. Where was he going with this?

Then he added, "So...you're gonna have to make a move on me."

I asked, "Do I look like a woman with moves?" I remember Becky giving me advice on how waitresses can flirt with customers for bigger tips, failing to realize or care that the casino customers are a lot skeevier than the ones at La Casa Bonita. She said I had to do this to keep the job to support my kids. I told her, "I didn't even flirt to have my kids." It's not like David ever needed any "wooing." He was always up for it, including during our separation. And like I said, there was that moment where I got him to admit the sex we had that almost stole him away from Blue was great. I could've had him back then. I'm glad I didn't try a little harder. We're better off as we are. But I wouldn't have had to try that hard.

And Jimmy and Neil made the first moves, when I was just sitting there, at a coffeehouse near my art school and Becky's restaurant respectively. I suck at flirtation, ask Barry. The only reason I was able to flirt with Ben was because we hadn't been admitting that we were flirting. And moves? That's the next level.

Ben said he would just pretend to work and I should do whatever felt right, as if anything in this situation could feel right. His version of pretending to work was going over to the wooden cabinet and bending over enough to show off his big but fit butt. He smiled over his shoulder. I pointed out he had an apple sticker on his ass, probably left over from yesterday's lunch.

I told him this was getting too awkward and we should get back to work. He agreed and returned to his desk.

And I guess I could've left it at that. Or maybe at the end of the day suggested we do dinner and a movie. You know, a first date, I think that's how they work. You flirt over dinner, hold hands at the movie, kiss goodnight. Take it slow for once.

So I was going to go back to work. But I couldn't find my stapler. I asked to borrow his. He said sure and held it out without really looking at me.

On the walk over, I thought _This is it, I need to make my move, when he's maybe not expecting it but is open to it._ I reached further down his arm, past the stapler, below the wrist. Then I started to climb onto his desk. He looked up at me with those incredible eyes, more intense than I've ever seen them, full of surprise and passion. I moved in for a kiss, my other hand on his thick neck, the edge of his beard. His free hand moved to the back of my head, making the blow-drying a little pointless, but that's OK. I crawled across his desk, melting into our kiss. He must've set the stapler down, because both his hands gripped my back as I fell onto him, straddling a sturdy leg.

After all these weeks of paralysis, I'm touching him, kissing him, and he's touching me, kissing me. His lips and tongue are warm and knowing. I want to keep kissing his mouth, but I also want it everywhere.

And I could be a lady and not kiss and tell what happens next, but I've never been that chivalrous.


	6. Layers

After awhile Ben kissed over to my ear and whispered more huskily than usual, "A lot of layers."

"Well, yeah, I guess I'm kind of complicated."

"No, you're wearing a lot of layers, especially up top."

"Oh, let me up and I'll go change in the restroom."

"You're not gonna strip for me?"

"No, that falls under the category of me feeling uncomfortable."

"That's OK. I've been wanting to undress you since you walked in the door."

"Now I wish I didn't hassle you about your tree."

"I mean when you brought your résumé in."

"Something else that didn't come up at the interview."

"I'm complicated, too. Boss Ben is different from Boyfriend Ben."

"Boyfriend?"

"Not back then. And not at the casino. But maybe now that you're lying on top of me."

"So this isn't just a makeout?"

"If this were just a makeout would we be wasting our time analyzing it?"

I laughed. "OK, let's get back to making out and label it later."

"Good plan," he said, and peeled off my jacket.

Then he murmured, "Buttons," and moved one hand to my stomach. I raised myself a little to make it easier. He undid my vest from the bottom up, then my blouse from the top down. Then he lightly stroked my skin just above my bra. "Four layers." 

"How many would you recommend on a day I seduce my boss? Zero?" 

"Nah, you've gotta start out with some mystery. Let's split the difference and say two." 

"My bra and jacket?" 

"Yeah, skip the buttons next time." 

"Good to know." His other hand landed on my back again and easily unhooked my bra, slid it off me, and set it on his desk. "I'm gonna lift you," he said and put both hands on my waist. And then, like I weighed nothing, he raised me so that my chest dangled over his face. 

I held one of my breasts and moved it next to his warm, knowing mouth. I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out as he softly kissed the nipple. I almost choked on a moan when he started licking. 

"Don't hold back, Darlene. The neighbors won't care. Well, they'd find it entertaining." 

I laughed shakily and then gasped as he licked my fingers and in between, then back to the nipple. He teased me for awhile and then started sucking passionately. I moaned and wondered if he'd make me come from this. He didn't. Instead he brought me to the edge and then eased up. Again and again, and then on to my other breast. "Goddamn tease," I muttered.

He chuckled and lowered me down onto his crotch. He was so hard! I groaned and spread my legs around his hips, wanting to feel more of it, even through our jeans.

"And you're not a tease?" He sounded both breathless and calm.

"I think we're moving pretty fast now that we're moving."

"Yeah. You're still comfortable?"

"As comfortable as I can be on office furniture."

"I mean mentally comfortable."

"Yeah. You?"

"What do you think?" He gave a little thrust.

"Is that where you keep your brain?"

"When I'm touching you, yeah." He squeezed my ass and rolled his hips. I rocked on him, wanting to keep grinding together. But he said, "I think you need to undress me now."

"That would mean standing up."

"Not necessarily." And then he quickly and smoothly set me on the edge of his desk. He stood up carefully and then leaned forward and lightly kissed me. "I've got only two layers up top."

"Yeah, I noticed," I said as I stripped off his jacket and set it on the pile of my clothes. We kissed again, a kiss that only ended when I pushed his shirt up to his chest and had to get it over his shoulders, neck, head, and arms.

"Thanks. How many layers have you got below?"

"Um, five."

"Five?!"

"Yeah, shoes, socks, jeans, thermals, panties."

"You're wearing long underwear on a day you're seducing your boss?"

"It's December. And the heater in my car is broken."

"Well, maybe if you didn't waste that generous raise on frivolous items like your children's food."

"Yeah, what was I thinking?"

Ben sank to the floor and sat cross-legged. "I'll start with the shoes."

"Good plan."

He untied my shoes and slipped them off. "I'll leave the socks since it's December."

"Thank you."

He knelt and reached for the zipper of my jeans.

"Sorry, there's another button."

He sighed wearily. "Of course there is."

"At least I didn't wear my button-flies."

"I appreciate that." He undid the button and slid down the zipper. I lifted my ass and he slid off my jeans. "Stay like that a little longer."

"OK."

He slid off my thermals. Then he smiled at my crotch. "Black panties? That's more like it."

I shrugged as I sat back down on the edge of his desk, although he wasn't looking as high as my shoulders. "It's my favorite color."

"And you didn't think about me seeing them?"

I blushed. "Maybe eventually."

"I think we've reached eventually." He lightly stroked them, down the front and then between my legs. He grinned up at my face. "She's wet for me."

I blushed but managed to say, "And your balls are probably blue for me."

He chuckled. "They can wait a little longer." He reached under me and slid my panties down, then tossed them onto the mountain of clothes on his desk. "I like black, too," he said, stroking my pubes. He sank back to the floor. "And a certain shade of pink." He touched me between the legs again but this time added other senses. "Gorgeous," he murmured as he looked and stroked. He licked his fingers. "So wet and tasty."

I spread more for him and he ate me out, well, partway out. Not to orgasm, but more than teasing. Then he stood up, kicked off his shoes, and fingered me again. "You wanna fuck?"

"Yes!" It was so hard to hold back, to be aloof or sarcastic.

"Good, because I've been wanting to fuck you for weeks, but now that I can feel what it's like in there, I really want my dick in your pussy."

"Ben!"

"You want that, Darlene?" His fingers thrust inside me while his thumb vibrated my clit.

"Yes!"

"You want to undress me down below? It's only two layers now, not counting my socks."

"You're not going commando?"

"Not in December."

"I can't wait for summer," I said, as I undid the button of his jeans and slid down his zipper, wishing my hands would stop shaking.

"Yeah, you'll be in short-shorts and halter tops, right?"

"Of course. Ah, briefs."

"Yeah, they make me less fertile."

"Um, speaking of, you're going to have to put on a layer."

"Damn, I knew I forgot something at Office Max. Condoms and a new stapler for the Internet Department."

I laughed and then blushed again. "It's OK."

"You want me to pull out at the end? I could come on your stomach."

"Please, this situation is porny enough as it is."

"No money shot then. We don't have to fuck today. I'll settle for a handjob."

"Actually, um, I have a condom in my purse."

"That's kind of presumptuous, don't you think? What if I weren't this easy?"

"It won't expire for awhile. And it turns out you are this easy."

He sighed. "Go get the condom."

"In a minute." I hopped off the desk and hugged him.

"Awww, you're sweet."

"Not really," I said, as I eased down his briefs a little.

He groaned as his freed erection pressed into my stomach. Then he tilted my head up with the palms of his hands as he bent his head down. We kissed like we had all the time in the world, until I broke away.

"I'll be right back."

"I'll be right here," he said, stepping out of his briefs. I expected him to ogle me as I went back to my desk, but when I looked up from getting my purse out of the drawer, I saw that he was moving not only our clothes but his office supplies off his desk and onto the wooden cabinet, next to the Christmas tree.

"What are you doing?"

"We're going to fuck on my desk. While it might be more passionate and spontaneous to knock everything to the floor, I don't feel like picking it all up again after the afterglow." 

"You sound like you've done this before." 

"Not in this office."

I decided I didn't want to know more right then. I took the condom out of my purse and walked back to him. He still didn't ogle me, but he was moving his paper clips cup over.

When I stood next to him, he asked, "What kind is it?"

I held it so he could see the wrapper.

He frowned. "I hate that brand."

"Fine, then no fucking today."

He groaned. "First of all, I can work with it, and secondly, I love how you say 'fucking.' "

I tore open the wrapper. "Then I'll put it on you and fuck you."

"Oh, you're fucking me?" He looked amused.

"Yeah, go lie down on your cleared desk so I can make some moves on you."

"Put the condom on me first."

"You can do it if you want."

"Nah, my fingers are too Darleny right now." He slipped his hand between my legs and teased me again.

It was hard to focus on rolling the condom down onto his hard, throbbing cock, but I managed.

"Thanks." He kissed my cheek and then backed away. He did lie down on the top of his desk, next to his desktop computer, his legs and one arm hanging off.

"Um, what about your electronics? "

"They're insured."

"Against fucking? That's a hell of a policy."

He chuckled. "Against general office mishaps. We'll be OK if we stay on this side of the desk and don't thrash around too much. Unless you want to unplug everything and move it to your desk."

"No, I can work with this." I walked over and again climbed onto his desk, this time mounting him. But I lay high enough on him that we could kiss, not minding the taste of myself on him. We kissed for awhile, but I could feel his hard-on against my stomach, and I was aching to feel it inside me, like it was a missing part of me. I never felt that way before, not even with David. I kissed down to Ben's broad shoulders and then I felt his hand move onto his cock. 

He moved it between my legs when we lined up for that, teasing my clit with it and then my outer lips. "Whenever you're ready for it, Darlene."

I felt like I could never be ready for it, and like I'd been wanting this for years. I shifted so that I could feel the head at the opening. He sighed and moved that hand onto my ass, lightly stroking, while his other hand stroked my hair. I slowly slid down and around. Not to tease either of us, but to really feel these first moments. The shape and heft of him. Not just his penis sinking up into me, but the burly body supporting me. "Is the desk comfortable?" I asked, feeling a little guilty that he was on the bottom. 

"I could be on a bed of nails right now, and I wouldn't notice."

I laughed, liking how it felt against him, imagining how it would feel to come on top of him. My cunt clenched. 

"Mmm, Darlene, do that again! Squeeze my dick with your hot pussy!" 

"Ben!" I gasped. She squeezed him again and I came, shuddering all through my body. 

"Yes, Baby, come on my dick!" 

"Ben, fuck!" 

"You want me to fuck you? That would be kind of a boyfriend move, and you're not done with your girlfriend moves, are you?" I rocked on top of him and he thrust up into my wetness again and again. He steadied me a little by squeezing my ass, but that just intensified it. "You like my dick, Darlene?" 

"I prefer the term 'cock.' "

"Editor," he muttered.

"I like it."

"Like what?"

"Your cock."

"He likes your pussy, cunt, whatever you call her." 

"She likes him. I like you." 

"I like you, too."

We both laughed and I came from those vibrations.

"How many orgasms do I have to give you before I can get on top?"

"One more."

"No problem." He moved his hand off my hair and onto my chest. He teased my nipple with one fingertip. 

I came immediately. "You don't have to look so smug."

"This is my impressed look. I didn't think someone as emotionally stunted as you would be so responsive." 

"Me emotionally stunted? At least I've interacted enough with human beings to have children and an ex-husband, rather than being married to a dubious tabloid." 

"OK, enough pillow talk. Let's switch places so I can give you some thorough boning." 

I chuckled. "We probably both need to work on our sweet talk."

"You'd be suspicious if I used actual terms of endearment."

"True," I admitted, as I carefully stood up.

"And for the record, it's not a dubious tabloid. It's a legitimate tabloid. And you don't have an ex-husband yet."

"Oh, shit, I've committed adultery again."

"Again?" he repeated and sat up.

"There was this transitional guy. I'll tell you about him some other time."

"Hey, I'm just glad some other poor slob was your rebound." He got to his feet. "Now you can have something that counts." 

"I thought we agreed not to label this." 

"We agreed not to label the makeout. As soon as I come, we're going to analyze this to death." 

"Oh, goody!" 

"Are you going to lay on my desk and let me get on top of you?" 

"It's lie and yes." 

"I could make a joke about lying and laying and layers." 

"But you'd rather fuck me than make puns," I said, getting on his desk again but this time lying on my back. 

"Yeah," he breathed. This time he didn't tease me. He went straight in. 

I welcomed him eagerly, my cunt hugging his cock and then letting go so he could fill her over and over, deeper and deeper, his pelvic bone bumping into my clit until my orgasms blurred together. 

"God, Darlene, so good!" he cried as he sped up and his expressive eyes rolled back in his head. 

"Golden delicious," I said, squeezing his ass. 

I felt his orgasm all through me, my last one an aftershock of his. 

He carefully withdrew and then murmured, "Yeah, still on." 

"The condom?" 

"Yeah, but I'll go out and get my brand on my lunch break." 

"Why not go after work?" 

He shifted so that his face was next to mine, his eyes no longer crazy. "Because I want to fuck you again before sending you home early." 

"Oo, if I'd known I could get out of work this way, I'd have done it weeks ago." 

"It's only because I'm leaving work early, too." 

"Yeah, we aren't going to get anything done today, are we? I mean for the legitimate tabloid." 

"There's that and I have to go home and prepare for my big boyfriend move."

"And what might that be, Cowboy?" 

"Making you dinner." 

"You mean like an actual date?" 

He shrugged. "We can try it as an experiment." 

"I didn't know you cook. But I barely know you." 

"And know me bare." 

"Yeah. Um, don't forget I'm vegetarian." 

"I won't offer you meat. In that sense." 

I blushed a little, very aware of his flaccid penis against my thigh.

"It's polite to say thank you." 

"Thank you for the stapler. Although you never actually gave it to me." 

"Oh, I gave it to you. Not the stapler but another office supply."

"I'll be sure to borrow it again before I go home."


	7. Scissors

As I look through Ben's desk for a pair of scissors (mine have gone missing, along with the stapler), it's hard to believe that only this afternoon we were having a quickie on this very desk. I don't want to go into graphic detail like I did before, recalling it as he shopped for condoms (he forgot the new stapler) on his lunch break and I was supposed to be trying to get a little work done.

After a little more post-coital banter, he got up and went to the restroom, where he washed up and disposed of the condom. Then I went in, taking my clothes with me. I freshened them and myself as best I could under the circumstances. Then I looked at myself in the mirror, wondering if my family would be able to tell how I spent my workday. I tried to practice my poker face but ended up grinning. Well, I'd work on it later.

When I went back to the office, Ben was at his desk, fully clothed and typing, like nothing had happened, with all his stuff moved back from the wooden cabinet. I was both relieved and disappointed. Maybe I missed David's clinging affection, or maybe I didn't. It looked like Ben and I weren't going to talk about what happened, at least not right then. Well, maybe that was for the best. And I assumed we were still on for dinner at his place.

I obviously wasn't terribly focused the rest of the morning, but I could still type and edit at the most basic level of grammar and punctuation. Style and flow could wait for another day. I was very glad this isn't a daily or even weekly publication.

At noon, Ben shut down his computer and said, "I'm gonna run my errand now."

I nodded without looking at him. "OK, I'll hold down the fort."

He chuckled. "Thanks."

As soon as he left, I relived our morning encounter. I ended up having to masturbate in the restroom. I'm sure there's some sort of regulation against that, but I doubted OSHA was going to be inspecting us today.

I cleaned up again, but this time I just put on my black & white jacket. (My socks had stayed on all through this.) Then I went over to his desk, cleared it off again, and then perched facing the door. I hoped he would be back soon because I felt sort of ridiculous.

About five minutes later, Ben came through the door connecting to the reception area and said, "Sorry, I just realized I forgot to get you a stapler."

"Then I guess I'll just have to borrow yours again."

He'd been turned away, shutting the door behind him, but now he saw me and his eyes widened. Then he grinned, dropped his shopping bag, raced over, and started kissing me. His hands moved under my jacket, caressing my breasts.

"Do you want to take off that layer again?"

"Nah, leave it, it's sexy."

"Are you going to go get it?"

"My stapler?"

"Your errand? Remember?"

"Oh, right, hold on." He ran back to the doorway, tearing off his clothes on the way. He picked up his purchase, tore open the box, and started tearing off the wrapper. I'd never seen him lose his cool like this and it was sort of adorable.

I would've laughed but then there it was again, his thick, hard penis ready to penetrate me. My grin had nothing to do with being amused.

We did it doggie style, him lifting up my jacket like it was the world's shortest micro-mini, me with my hands braced on his desk. His other hand alternately teased my clit and my nipples. The sex was hot and hungry and animalistic.

And I wish I could be sitting here thinking about that part some more. Or better yet, having more incredible sex with Ben after he made me dinner. But the rest of the day was definitely downhill from there.

Not that that was immediately obvious.

"You still have any energy to cook?" I asked as he withdrew.

"I might need a nap when I get home. But dinner will be on the table at 7."

"Then I'll come over at 6:30."

He kissed the back of my neck. "Good. But no quickie until after dinner."

"I'll try to be patient."

This time I used the restroom first and when I returned he was moving stuff back to his desk.

"You're actually going to work now?"

"No, but I don't want to deal with this tomorrow."

"Next time we can use my desk."

He shook his head. "We can't make a habit of this. I mean, this was incredible, but let's try to keep work and our personal life separate from now on."

"You're the boss," I teased.

He chuckled, shook his head, and went to the restroom.

We did leave pretty soon after his return, but I did see him tuck a couple condoms into his desk drawer. I raised my eyebrows.

"Just in case we break our vow."

I nodded. Better to be safe than sorry. And I wasn't sure how much I trusted either of us. I knew from my time with David how easy it was for a taboo, in our case "No fooling around in the house after he moved into the basement," to beg to be shattered.

Ben and I kissed by our cars. The other occupants of the building were probably already aware of our "affair," since neither of us was exactly quiet. Still, it wasn't a big kiss, just a sweet little one.

"See you at 6:30."

I nodded. "See ya."

I drove home, glad there wasn't much mid-day traffic. I could shower, change my clothes, and pull myself together before the kids came home from school. If anyone asked, I'd say we were ahead at work and Ben gave me the rest of the day off.

Did I ever mention that my dad doesn't like cell phones? It's not because they "kill bees," like Blue thinks. He just doesn't like how absorbed everyone gets in them. So the house still has a landline, and an answering machine. The light was blinking when I got home.

"Hey, this is Becky. Geena promised me Mary's old playpen. I'm gonna come by around two to pick it up, so if anyone is home and can find it in the garage, that'd be a big help. Beep!"

I sighed. I was not ready to face Becky, but maybe it was better to get it over with when no one else was around.

I showered and changed into fresh clothes, not what I'd wear to Ben's, but just something for around the house, sweats and a hoodie, all gray. I figured neutral colors were good in maintaining my unemotional look.

Then I unearthed the playpen, lugged it into the house, and assembled it. I had one stray thought of Ben as a father, doing this for our baby, which I quickly chased out of my head. I knew it was a double post-coital hormonal whammy and it should not be encouraged. So what if Ben can cook? So can David and it's not like he ended up as the ideal househusband he showed promise of at 17.

I still hadn't had lunch and I'd expended a lot of energy since breakfast. I didn't feel like cooking, so I got the leftover pizza out of the fridge.

I was eating when Becky entered through the back door. "Nice. Thank you, whoever did this."

"You're welcome."

"Oh, you're still here," she said, coming in and seeing me at the kitchen table. "I figured you did this on your lunch hour."

I did my best not to blush, since she had no way of knowing how I spent my lunch hour. "No, I got off early. I mean, we're caught up on the latest mugshots, so Ben said I could leave early."

She leaned on the playpen with both hands and said in her teasing voice of the morning, which already felt ages ago, "So, how was work with Hunky Boss Man?"

Trying not to smile, I said, "Um, we, you know, got along fine."

Coming over to the table, she said, "Fine? That's your version of being overjoyed." She looked pretty thrilled herself. Leaning on the top of a chair with both hands, she said, "You had sex with him." It was not a question.

"All I did was borrow his stapler. And then thank him." I couldn't help smiling and confessing, "Twice on his desk."

She high-fived me.

As she got the mozzarella out of the fridge, she asked how it was, and I admitted that the sex was incredible.

As she came back to the table and sat down, she said, "So you've only had sex with two guys, so you don't know good from bad. Let's just say it was average."

I can understand her forgetting Jimmy. It was almost twenty-five years ago and she never met him. Mom, if she were still here, and maybe Aunt Jackie would remember him. David definitely would remember him, after sneaking to Chicago to spy on him, leading Jimmy to think David was hitting on him. But come on, she met Neil twice and it's only been about a month since we broke up. Does she really think I went home with him and nothing happened? I suppose he and I could've just talked and kissed that first night, but we did date awhile after. Just because I'm not as slutty as she is doesn't mean I'm not a little bit slutty. I am a female descendant of Nana Mary after all. It's in our blood. (Grandma Bev waited until her golden years for her sluttiness though.)

Rather than correct Becky, I said, "Well, Ben must've liked it. He asked me over to his apartment for dinner, and I can't wait to go."

She turned from gleeful to worried, just like that, as soon as it sounded more like a relationship than a hook-up. I thought it had to do with me seeming to be looking for a quick emotional fix, with all the craziness in my life. And, OK, maybe there's some of that, but I could've gone down that path with Neil and I stopped myself. I feel, or felt right then, in my post-coital hormonal haze, that this thing with Ben had real potential.

She said it was about my "uncanny ability to pick the wrong guy" for myself. I told her she was completely wrong, that Ben is finally the right guy. "He's strong and confident and he knows what he wants." And I meant it then. Ben is strong, not just physically, and I liked, or thought I did, that I wouldn't have to direct him or even nudge him like with David and Neil. (And even Jimmy, with his indifference, I'd have to make decisions because I cared about things and he didn't.)

She said Ben and I were like two stubborn trains heading towards each other on the same track. I told her I've changed and I no longer have to date meek guys that I can push around. I believed it then.

She brought up something I hardly remembered, when her stupid Marky Mark poster was on my side of the room and I cut out Marky's eyes.

Ah, I found the scissors! Becky's words affected me in ways I wouldn't have believed hours ago. Just like when she told me months ago that if things were ever going to work with David, they would've by now, I didn't want to believe her, but on some level I did. Maybe it's that she's still my big sister who understands guys better than I do. Well, I understand guys if we're hanging out, making a comic or watching sports. OK, I don't understand romance. I don't know why I think she does, but it'd be hard to understand less than I do.

Anyway, after she predicted "a rainstorm and a horse head in the bed," I predicted that her baby will be bitter when it finally makes a break for it. And I went upstairs to figure out my outfit for my date.

I decided I wouldn't get too dressy. For all I knew, my clothes would be off less than an hour after dinner. I ended up putting on sneakers, socks, jeans, a black blouse, a maroon vest, and a jacket. But no thermals. And only three of the vest buttons were buttoned, and the blouse had no buttons. Plus the jacket was my lucky faux-leather jacket, like at my interview.

Ben was in a more casual version of his work casual look: sneakers, jeans, black T-shirt, blue unbuttoned shirt over that, no jacket. Presumably socks, although we never got to that stage, and I definitely can't tell you if he was going commando.

He smiled when he opened the door and told me I looked beautiful.

I have trouble with compliments, so I said, "I already slept with you, so let's just be cool."

He laughed and then kissed me. We were off to a good start.

And then he insisted I take off my shoes. I didn't want to, because of the height difference, but I gave in. I mean, it is his apartment.

He was making vegan paella and told me to open up one of the bottles of red wine. I wanted white. He insisted on red. I insisted on white. I could hear Becky making a crashing train sound in my head and tried to shoo the thought away.

I offered to help him with the food, so he said I could stir the paella. As I started to stir, he came over and put his hands on my shoulders. I looked up, a little more than I usually have to, and smiled. He said he was glad I was there and I said I was, too. We kissed, a sweet kiss. And then he let go and backed away just enough to watch me sample the paella. And I know, he was being the proud chef-boyfriend, wanting to show what a good and thoughtful cook he is. (Vegan wasn't actually necessary, when I'd only expected vegetarian. David is the vegan.)

And it was good but it needed more salt. He stopped me from salting. He actually tried to take the shaker out of my hand! I wanted to tell him, "Oh, you're confused. You thought I was a child, when I'm actually a grown-ass adult," like he told me early on. But I didn't feel as calm as he'd been that day, and we kept arguing about the salt.

When I let go of the salt I asked why he was fighting with me. He set down the salt and said he spent hours getting everything ready to show me a nice evening, which I knew but that wasn't the point.  


"Why can't you just relax, enjoy yourself?"

"Why can't you just let me enjoy myself the way I want to enjoy myself?"

"Because the only way you can enjoy yourself is by making me not enjoy myself!"

How could he say that to me after we'd enjoyed ourselves together twice on his desk? I "apologized" for ruining his evening and said I was going home to cook in my shoes and salt everything. And that's just what I'm going to do, as soon as I cut out the eyes on the "hot" blonde mugshot he'd probably rather spend the evening with. I'd black out her teeth if she weren't already missing some.


	8. More Advice

Another unbelievable day, but I'll try to take it in order.

A couple days ago, David and I had agreed to meet before work this morning at Roastips, which by Lanford standards passes as a hip coffeehouse. In my Wednesday innocence, I thought it would be a little awkward but we would be cool, mature exes who could calmly discuss the kids' Christmas lists. I'd be in my infatuated glow from borderline flirting with Ben all week and glad that David and I had agreed to the divorce because once it was final I could maybe ask Ben if he like-liked me.

Then there was the Thursday train crash. Now David would ask this morning how I was doing and I'd have to either lie, like when things fell apart with Jimmy, or I'd end up crying on his shoulder. And he'd let me because that's how sweet he is. And I'd try to remember that he has a soulmate now and we can't restart things even if I wanted to.

Instead Blue showed up because David couldn't make it. Obviously I was disappointed. Our encounters so far have not exactly been fun, and I really didn't feel like I had the emotional energy for this after all the stuff, good and bad, with Ben yesterday.

At first, she said she was here to talk about the kids' lists, but then she admitted, "The real reason I'm here is I'm having some problems with David."

And there was an evil part of me that was happy, that hoped they'd break up and he and I could get back together, because I know how to have a relationship with David and we've got all that history. Yeah, we fight, but I win and then he resents me. With Ben, we fight and we both lose.

But I couldn't give in to that feeling. I told her I didn't want to get involved, but she told me anyway. She said he's afraid to make decisions, and she wanted my advice. I told her that his lack of a backbone is one of his most appealing features. She said she's going to have to get him to see a therapist.

"Just don't overfix him. There are guys that want to make all the decisions, and that's way more annoying."

She noticed I seemed super tense and, without asking, started giving me a hand massage. Remember, we'd never even shaken hands and I think she's crazy. She told me she used to be a massage therapist and then she asked if I'm dating a guy who's bossy. I didn't want to talk about it but I ended up telling her anyway. I figured I had nothing to lose, and at least she was willing to listen and maybe not judge, unlike anyone in my family.

Then I found out she used to be a dominatrix! As I told her a minute later, that makes her relationship with David a lot more understandable. Anyway, she said that people with a lot of responsibilities secretly want to give up control. I thought she was talking about Ben but she was talking about me. I thanked her for the advice and left.

When I got to work, Ben asked if we were going to talk about last night, but I said that that was personal and this is work. So then he started pushing my buttons. No, not those buttons. Definitely not the other buttons. He threw out a couple terrible and terribly sexist ideas for the cover of the next issue. Even with "Bitches Be Crazy," I stopped myself from arguing.

"I'm just gonna sit here and try to find the pressure points that my dominatrix taught me," I said, as I tried to give myself an arm rub through my no longer so lucky faux-leather jacket.

Ben stared at me and said, "More on that later," then he came around my desk and perched on it close enough that I had to roll back my chair a little. He apologized for getting upset last night and said that he's used to being the only alpha in the relationship. I admitted I am, too.

I asked, "Can two alphas have a relationship that works?"

He said we both have to just let go. It sounded suffocating to have no leader, no plans, but when he stood in front of me and put his hands on the arms of my rolling chair, saying that we'll trust each other and we may end up ripping each other's hearts out but he was in, I smiled back at him and said, "Me, too."

He leaned down more and cupped the back of my head. I put my hand on one of my favorite parts of his body, where his beard meets his neck. We kissed softly and then smiled at each other again. I wondered if this time we'd make out in my chair, have sex on my desk. But he said we should get back to work, and I knew he was right.

He went back to his desk as I rolled my chair forward.

"Hey, who tore the eyes out of the hot blonde who was going on the cover?"

"Could've been anybody. Bitches be crazy."

Ben chuckled.

"So tell me about your dominatrix," he said an hour later.

"Well, she's not mine, just the one in my life."

"Go on. Unless it's NSFW."

"I think we've passed that point at this workplace, but it's not as exciting as it sounds. My ex's girlfriend is a former dominatrix."

"Wow, now that's alpha!"

"Sort of. She wants to know how to get him to make more decisions."

"So, wait, your husband's mistress came to you for advice?"

"Mistress? Come on, this isn't one of the 'Classic Mugshot' reprints from the golden days of Earl."

"Look, with David, it's David, right?"

"You've been snooping in my emergency contacts."

"I'm your boss. It's allowed. David is technically your husband. A husband's girlfriend is a mistress."

"So what does that make you?"

"Your paramour."

"Classy."

"Or stud on the side, whichever you prefer."

I blushed. "You know that's not all you are."

"So what am I?"

"I don't know. My boyfriend. That covers it, right?"

"Sure. We have sex and we talk about our feelings." He shook his head. "Why am I the one wanting us to talk about our feelings?"

"Because I'm emotionally stunted."

"Right. But, OK, this is the workplace. Let's get back to work."

"You started it."

"Sorry. I do that around you, too. I used to be really stoic before I met you."

"Yeah, me, too." I thought of how Becky said she had never seen me this excited about a guy, when I was showing about as much glee as she does over a plate of nachos.

"So when am I gonna meet your family?"

"You already met my step-grandmother. That should be enough for now."

"So you're not going to let me meet your dominatrix-in-law?"

"God, no! Blue doesn't even make the top cut of my acquaintances."

He laughed. "Blue? The mistress is named Blue?"

"I know, I know."

"This just gets better and better."

"How about I meet someone in your family first?"

"Sure, if you're ever passing through Dallas, stop in and say howdy."

"Dallas? Wait, you're Texan?"

"Born and bred."

"You don't have an accent."

"Not since college, except when I go back home. Wait until you hear me when I return after Christmas."

"So when I called you Cowboy, that was actually accurate?"

"I'm not that country but I do have the appropriate hats."

I shook my head. "I really don't know much about you, do I?"

"I'm a man of mystery."

"Yeah. So tell me about your family."

"My parents have been happily married for fifty years. I have two little brothers that I bossed around and protected. What about you?"

I sighed. "My family is a very, very long story."

"Yeah, I figured, with the almost-ex and your step-grandmother."

"Even my nuclear family is way too complicated to get into."

"Darlene, I'm not going anywhere. Tell me a little today and more tomorrow over dinner."

"Dinner?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow's Saturday. I can spend all day cooking and finish right when you show up."

I nodded. "Yeah, that would work."

"So, siblings?"

I sighed again. "I'm the middle child of four."

"How does that work?"

"My mom had a baby when I was in college, but all of my childhood and most of my adolescence it was just weird little D.J. getting away with murder because he was Mom's favorite and the only boy, me in the middle, and my perfect sister Becky."

"Perfect?"

"She was the smart one and the pretty one."

"Then she must be amazing."

"Stop."

"What? You're not exactly stupid or ugly."

"Thank you. Anyway, I thought I was the rebellious one, but then she met Mark and her life fell apart, but she was happy."

"How does that work?"

"She was madly in love, for years, but she didn't go to college. She became a waitress, which she still is, at a different restaurant. And I went from barking in class to getting into art school."

He laughed and shook his head. "I can't wait for tomorrow's story."

"Yeah, I'm a regular Scheherazade."

"Who?"

" _One Thousand and One Nights_ , the Arabian stories?"

"Oh, right, I wasn't sure how it was pronounced."

I couldn't tell if he was bluffing, but we did go back to work.

After work, I went home and Jackie was doing her laundry.

"Um, so how are things going with Peter?"

"Have you been talking to your dad?"

"Not about you. Why?"

She shook her head. "He keeps giving me unwanted advice, now that Roseanne isn't here to."

"He means well."

"I know. But he doesn't understand my relationship with Peter, so he thinks the worst."

"Oh." I wasn't sure if I should ask her about it, or if she was tired of talking about it. I thought of when Fred came to Mark's funeral and it was the first time Jackie had seen him in years, although Andy had visited him. And then Andy said he wanted to live with his dad now. I hadn't known what to say to her then either.

"How are things going with you and Ben? Becky said you guys got together."

Word travels fast, although Becky doesn't know everything.

"Fine. Well, it's complicated."

"I hear ya. But it's good you're not dating someone like David again."

"Yeah. Um, you want some ice cream?"

"I would love some ice cream."

So we were eating from separate cartons in the living room when Harris came in and asked for dating advice. No, the boy she lost her virginity to never texted her, although she told me she sees him around school and he acts like he hardly knows her. This new boy wants to be exclusive. What is it with guys? Why is it all or nothing?

I advised her to take it slow, physically and emotionally. I don't know if she was really listening, but it was better than her getting advice from Becky. I've made my share of mistakes, but at least I've never gotten pregnant from a one-night stand.

Jackie has, although she did try marriage with Fred for awhile. She told Harris to not settle on one guy until she meets the right one.

I don't know what Mom would say if she were here, to any of us.


	9. Lasagna

"So tell me about your parents."

I set down my fork and sigh. I wonder if David's therapist will be asking him that soon. "You've seen my emergency contacts. You know my situation."

"I know you live with your dad and kids. What about your mom?"

I feel a lump form in my throat but I swallow another bite of vegetarian lasagna before answering. (Ben is a good cook, not perfect but good.) "She died a few months ago. After I moved back to Lanford."

"Ah, Baby, I'm sorry!"

In a different way than when he called me Baby during sex, I know this is Ben's emotions slipping through when he can't help it. I don't call him on it.

"At least I got to see her again, spend time with her, learn a little more from her."

"Was it quick or drawn out?"

"It was sudden." I don't want to go into the drama of finding out the real cause later.

"Ah, Honey, that sucks!"

I have to smile a little. "I think I heard your Texan twang there. Or is it a drawl?"

"It's a brogue."

He can always make me laugh.

"You want a hug?"

"Let me finish this dinner you slaved over."

"I notice you're not seasoning it."

"I don't salt lasagna."

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah." I don't just mean the food.

After I wipe my mouth with a cloth napkin, I sit sideways on his lap and hug him. His strong arms wrap around me. I couldn't do this with David. We were too close in size. I hate that I want this, a larger body holding me. I feel both safe and vulnerable.

I'm about to pull away and stand up when he cups the back of my head and kisses me. My lips automatically respond and my right hand seeks that spot where his beard meets his neck.

"Darlene," he breathes.

"Should we try sleeping together in a bed for a change?"

He chuckles. "Would it be too alpha for me to carry you to my bedroom?"

Part of me feels like this is the sort of reactionary princess romance fantasy I've spent my whole life resisting. But another part of me has never wanted anything more. "It's easier than me carrying you."

"I don't know, you're pretty strong." Then to my surprise, he throws me over his shoulder and stands up.

"The fireman's carry? Seriously?"

I can feel him shrug under me. "I need to save some energy."

"Or I can walk."

"Nah, I've got you."

"I see you vacuumed," I observe along the way.

His shoulders bounce a little. "Don't make me laugh right now."

"Sorry."

His bedroom door is open and I see darker carpet as we go in. Then I'm looking down at his bed before he sets me down surprisingly gently.

"So, do you want me to undress you again, or do you want to do it?"

I get that he's trying to not take control too much, but Blue said I should let him. I'm really confused.

Before I can reply, he says, "Oh, shit, sorry to break the mood, but I need to go soak the dishes."

"Now?"

"It's lasagna, Darlene. I don't want it to set."

"Next date we're doing takeout," I mutter.

He laughs and kisses my cheek. "I'll be right back."

While he's gone, I undo the three buttons on my vest and slip it off. I look around his bedroom. It's the opposite of the office, empty of clutter, like he hardly ever spends time here. Or maybe he cleaned it for me.

When he comes back, he says, "I sort of thought you might be naked."

I blush. "It was different a couple days ago in the office. There's no hurry tonight, is there?"

"Not if you don't want there to be." He lies next to me and kisses me on the lips. "I'm glad you came back."

"Me, too."

We kiss again. He strokes my hair and I stroke the edge of his beard. He deepens the kiss and I can taste the lasagna on his breath.

He pulls away. "I should brush my teeth."

"It's fine. You taste good."

"Thanks, so do you. But I mean in the interest of dental health."

I look into his expressive eyes. "Are you nervous or something? You seem off tonight."

He sighs. "I don't know. I guess I'm thrown off, not knowing how to act now."

I nod. "It is weird. I mean, we're still hot for each other, but now that it's not just sexual tension release, and we're trying not to run things..."

He nods, too. "It's like we're trying to control not controlling it."

"Yeah."

"Look, Darlene, one of the things that turns me on about you is the give and take. Not just with sex but everything. The magazine and the banter and even eating a meal together."

"Me, too."

"We've got to give each other something to respond to, take some action in order to have a reaction."

Instead of replying, I nibble on his neck.

He groans and moves his hand onto my stomach. I feel the heat through my blouse.

I whisper, "Newton's third law."

He gets it and chuckles. His hand moves under my blouse, so that I feel the heat against my skin. I kiss his ears and along the edge of his beard.

He finds my bra and strokes me through it. He French kisses me again, but more intensely. I stroke his hair and then pull on it a little as he teases one of my nipples inside my bra, still under my blouse.

Then he moves that hand back down to my stomach, this time playing with the button of my jeans. I push up the back of his T-shirt and stroke his spine.

He inhales sharply and then undoes the button. On Thursday, he told me what he wanted to do to me, but now he just does it. It's equally sexy. I mean, I like talking, but maybe this is part of the being less controlling thing. Maybe for me, too.

I scratch his back lightly as he unzips my jeans. I wriggle out of them and he helps ease them down. Then his hand slides between my thighs. But he doesn't immediately take off my panties. Instead he teases me through them, his other hand returning to the inside of my bra.

It feels naughty, in a different way than the office sex.

"Would you wear a skirt for me sometime?"

"To the office or on a date?"

"On a date. I want to put my hand under it."

I don't usually do skirts but he starts moving my panties away from my crotch, and it's hard to refuse him anything. "OK, when, when the weather's warmer."

"Good." He lets go and my body immediately misses him, but he shifts down the bed and manages to eat me out without actually taking my panties off, just holding the cloth off to the side. I know he's picturing doing this while I'm wearing a skirt, and that turns me on even more.

He fingers me as he sucks my clit. I run my hands along his beard as he puts his other hot hand on my stomach and licks inside me again. I come on his face, feeling shy afterwards.

He smiles up at me. "You taste so good, Darlene."

I blush and murmur, "Thank you."

He slips off my panties and asks, "Is she ready for my cock yet?"

"I want to touch you more first."

"OK." He sits up and strips off both his shirts. He lies next to me again and I stroke his wide shoulders and hairy chest. I didn't really notice his torso the other day, too distracted by his face and his crotch.

The hair is a darker blond than on his scalp and chin. His stomach is hairless until right above his jeans. I undo the button. His erection is obvious but I struggle to meet his eyes again.

"Do you ever suck?"

"Yeah, at a lot of things."

He chuckles. "I think you know what I meant."

I nod. "I haven't lately. I don't like the taste of rubber and it's been a long time since I was in a serious relationship."

"David wasn't serious?"

"We were when we were together, but the last time...."

"What?"

"He was cheating on Blue." I've never called it that before.

He moves my hand away from his jeans, more gently than with our salt battle, but firmly enough. "When was this?"

"Months ago. But he was going to break up with her after."

He frowns. "That's shitty, of both of you."

"I know. But I hadn't seen him in awhile and it stirred up all these old feelings."

"Is it over now?"

"Yes, I swear."

"Good." He moves my hand back. "Maybe when we've been together long enough, and it's safe, you can suck me without a condom. If you're into that."

I blush, imagining it. Then I say, "Go get a condom."

"Wait, I didn't mean you had to do anything right this minute."

"You don't want me to do something to you?"

Just like when I perched almost naked on his desk, he adorably loses his cool, stripping off his jeans and briefs, and getting a condom out of his night stand.

I take it from him. "Thank you. Now lie down, please.

As he lies down with his hands behind his head, I take off my blouse and sit on his bed wearing nothing but a bra (and socks). I unwrap the condom and slide it down onto him. And then I tease his cock into my bra, rubbing it on my nipples.

"Shit, Darlene! " he gasps.

Then I rub it along my neck and my chin, before very lightly kissing it. I can barely taste the rubber, but this is driving Ben crazy, judging from the sounds he's making.

"Not yet, Cowboy. But someday, yeah, I'm gonna suck your cock, lick up your cum."

"God!"

"Or maybe I'll just tease you until my cunt is ready."

"God, sit on my face, Darlene, please!"

So I do, and he eats me some more, as I rest my head on his stomach and give him a handjob. But when he's close to coming, I move around and ride him, taking his deep thrusts upwards, as his hands tease both my nipples inside my bra.

"Wanna finish on top!" he grunts.

"Yes, Ben," I murmur.

He flips us over and I feel him pounding me into the bed, but I'm so wet and open that I want this thick hardness filling me up, deep, full, fast!

"BEN!"

"Oh, fuck, so good!"

He comes and I watch his face, especially his eyes, until my own orgasm distracts me.

I feel shy again afterwards, like he knows things about me that no one else does, and not just sexual things.

"Baby, you've gotta let go."

"I thought I just did."

He chuckles. "I mean your pussy. She's very strong for something so soft."

I blush and unclench.

"Thank you." He withdraws carefully. "Yeah, still attached."

"Your cock or the condom?"

"Both." He tears off the condom and throws it in the wastebasket. He sighs and falls back on the bed. He turns his head and smiles. "Honey, I think you'll sleep better if you take off your bra."

"I'm not sleeping over."

He stares at me. "You're not?"

"No, I've got kids."

"But it's the weekend."

"I like to be there in the morning."

"You don't do overnights?"

"The one time I slept over with Neil, the transitional guy, Harris lost her virginity."

He looks even more confused, understandably.

I sigh. "David was supposed to be looking after the kids, but he had to work."

"At night?"

"Well, no, I guess it happened in the daytime, but it was the same weekend. And I felt really guilty about it."

"But where are your kids now?"

"At home with my dad."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know. A sleepover feels more serious."

"We've had sex, three times. That's not serious?"

How can I explain that I'm thinking of waking up with someone, snuggling, all the coupley intimacies that I've really only shared with David?

But Ben gets it. "You feel like it's like marriage."

"Well, yeah."

"And there's a part of you that thinks that things won't work out with Blue and you'll get back together with David."

"That's not it," I say, although I'm not sure.

"Maybe this would be easier for you if it was just sex. You'd feel less unfaithful to David if I never make you my famous Belgian waffles."

I want to laugh and cry at the same time. "Waffles?"

"I really like you, Darlene, but I want a real relationship with you. And maybe it's my fault for getting involved with a married woman."

"I'm getting a divorce. But you have to be patient with me. I've been married most of my adult life. This is a big adjustment for me."

"OK, I'll try to be patient."

"Wait, are you ending the fight just like that?"

"That wasn't a fight. It was us discussing our feelings."

"Ugh, I hate you!"

He chuckles. "Yeah, but you looooove my body."

I can definitely hear a drawl on that. I kiss his Texan tongue and I can still taste the lasagna.


	10. Oatmeal

"Blue says I was right."

I froze at the stove, where I was making oatmeal. "Right about what?"

"About you and Ben being too bossy for each other."

I put the burner on low, turned around, and crossed my arms. "You talked to Blue. About me and Ben."

"Well, it was mostly about her and David."

"Why would she talk to you about David? Or about anything?"

"Well, you were no help. And I was married to a Healy boy, too, you know."

"Mark and David were complete opposites!"

"They had the same neglectful dad, the same abusive mom. They just reacted in different ways."

Becky was right I guess, although for some reason I'd never seen it that way before.

She continued, "I told her about when David and I became good friends, how we'd go out for coffee. I'd choose the place and then give him like five choices of beverages, telling him they were all good, until he got comfortable just ordering. Unlike you ordering for him."

"That was only because I got tired of waiting for him to make up his mind."

"Well, Blue wanted a different approach. So I said she should make a list of a half dozen qualified Lanford therapists, and let him choose from that."

"It's not like coffee! Or potato chips." I was thinking of Blue telling me David can't even decide on chips.

"Potato chips?"

I turned back to the stove and turned off the heat. I wasn't hungry enough for even oatmeal anymore.

"Hey, can I have that if you don't want it? Blue says I need more fiber now that I'm pregnant."

"Yeah? And how many times has she been pregnant?"

"Well, none yet, but she'd like to have a baby with David once he gets his act together."

I felt like she just slugged me. "Is that what your BFF told you?"

"Oh my God! You're jealous!"

I turned and glared at her. "I am not."

"You totally are. You're just like Mom."

"What are you talking about?" I wasn't in denial. I was now genuinely baffled.

"You can't stand people connecting without going through you. This is just like when Mom was pissed about Jackie becoming better friends with Nancy."

I laughed. I was about fifteen then, but I'd hear Nancy and Jackie bring it up over the years. "Yeah, it's exactly the same. If I were actually friends with Blue, and Arnie was Mom's ex-husband, and you'd had a one-night stand with David."

Instead of laughing at how convoluted that was, she looked down and quietly said, "It was just a kiss."

I stared at her. "What?"

"It was after Mark died and we were both so upset."

"He's your brother-in-law!" Double brother-in-law. How could she betray me and poor Mark?

She looked up and grinned. "Ha, you are so gullible!"

"And you are so psycho."

"You deserved it. You can't control Ben and you can't control me and Blue."

"Um, about Ben."

"Oo, gossip and oatmeal. Dish it up!"

I winced, shook my head, and turned the burner back on. "Give me a minute."

"I've got all day." I could hear a chair scrape on the floor. "By the way, where is everyone?"

"Geena insisted they all go to church."

"And your atheism got you out of it this time?"

"Sort of."

I got back late last night, after kissing Ben some more, including in the shower. I did want to stay, but it really did feel like too big a step, like it would mean so much more than that one time with Neil. And I meant to get up in time to make the kids breakfast, but by the time I shuffled downstairs in my ratty old robe, Mark was in the living room wearing an Easter outfit that Grandma Bev got Harris ages ago and I'd promised to burn. Mark, who was about five at the time, rescued it and used it to play dress-up. And now it actually fits him.

"Sweetie, lose the hat," Geena said. "It's too Spring and it's almost Christmas."

"OK." My son is the most agreeable person I've ever met, which balances out Harris. Mom used to say, "Wait until he's a teenager. Remember how sweet D.J. was before puberty?" And then I'd tell her she had early onset senility. Good times.

"There you are, Mom. Will you please tell her I don't have to go if you don't?"

"But, Harris, it's more fun if it's all the cousins." Mary made it sound like there's a whole pack of them, instead of just three, well, soon to be four.

"Darlene is an adult who makes her own decisions. Harris is still a child."

"Mom, tell her I don't have to put up with this bullshit."

The younger kids gasped and I said, "Harris, apologize to your aunt."

Harris rolled her eyes and muttered, "Sorry."

Then Dad yanked open the front door and yelled, "Are we leaving or what?"

"Can I drive?" Harris asked.

"Fine." He went out the door and everyone followed, D.J. last.

"Try not to break any commandments while we're gone," he said under his breath as he passed by.

I stared after him and then slammed the door when I got it. The Seventh. Did Geena disapprove of my technical adultery? How did she even know after only three days?

"Becky, did you talk to Geena about me and Ben?"

"Duh, you were right there the other morning when we teased you about it."

"Does she know I had sex with him?"

"No, I only told Blue."

"Becky!"

"Blue asked me, but I didn't tell her it was at the office. With Geena, well, she doesn't approve of you dating before the divorce is final."

"But she also doesn't approve of divorce."

"She's making an exception because David left you. But she thinks you're rushing into other relationships. I mean a cute little crush on your boss is fine."

"It's definitely way beyond that now."

"So you're back together? How was the makeup sex?"

"Fine."

"Not incredible?"

"You think I have no basis for comparison, remember?"

"I'm just asking. So did you take Blue's advice?"

"Sort of. We're both going to try to be less controlling."

"Oh, great, so it'll be two trains without conductors."

I shook my head and served her oatmeal.

"Thanks. Cool, you put in raisins and maple syrup like Mom."

"Of course." I scraped a chair out and sat down.

She blew on the oatmeal and waited for it to cool. "So when are you bringing Ben to La Casa Bonita?"

"I'm waiting for Half-Price Margarita Nite."

"God, I miss margaritas!"

"Sorry. But there's no way I'm subjecting Ben to that much of the family at once, like poor Neil."

"Does that mean he's going to miss the joy of a Conner Christmas?"

Our first Christmas without Mom. Halloween was hard enough.

"He's going home for Christmas," I said quietly.

"And where is home?"

"Dallas."

"Hunky Boss Man is Texan? That's so cute."

"Thanks."

"So he must like Mexican food."

"I just told you that I'm not throwing him at all of you like raw meat."

"I meant bring him by so I can meet him."

"Just you?"

"Yeah."

"That might be worse."

"Darlene, I'm your big sister. I've been helping you with guys since before you realized you were a girl."

"And what a mentor you've been."

"Sure, you let Crystal meet him."

"It's not like I introduced them. And she works at the casino."

"I could've worked at the casino if you hadn't taken Crystal's old job."

"You can have it now."

"Not while I'm pregnant!"

I sighed. "So in twisted Becky logic, I owe you the first official introduction to Ben."

"Taco Tuesday is Wednesday this week," she said and started eating my oatmeal.


	11. Take-Out

"So do you want to come over Friday night?" Ben asked on Wednesday. "Or do you want to do Saturday so I have more time to cook?"

"Um, do you like Mexican?"

"You want some vegetarian Tex-Mex? I can give it a shot. Maybe ask my mom to email me some recipes. But it'll have to be Saturday so I can get ready."

"No, I mean there's a Mexican restaurant I'd like to take you to tonight."

"In Lanford?"

"Yeah, Ill-Mex."

He chuckled. "Sure, why not? If you like it, I'll try it. And you know I just want to spend time with you."

"Ben, we're at work."

"So I can't sweet talk you here?"

"I don't know."

"But it was OK for me to fuck you like a wild animal last week?"

"Ben."

"Do you know how much spray I had to use to remove the wet spots?"

"Please, that desk is older than Lanford. Our fluids could only improve it."

He grinned. "Ah, Darlene Conner returns."

"Darlene Conner-Healy."

"You're going to keep your married name?"

"I have kids."

"What if you got married again? Are you going to hyphenate out to Conner-Healy-Ratskywatsky?"

"Is that your last name?" I teased, although I already knew it from the masthead.

"It's a hypothetical hyphenation, although that's very revealing that you assume I'd be your second husband."

"I think it's very revealing that you think I'd have a second husband."

He shook his head. "I was just trying to find out if you're a Preston Sturges fan."

"Who?"

"You're the head of the Internet Department. Google it."

So I did. It was near the end of the workday and we had been behaving this week more than last week, so I could slack off a little. It was easy to find Preston Sturges, although it took a little more digging to find Ratskywatsky, especially since it was hard to spell. Sturges was a '40s film director and writer, and _The Miracle of Morgan's Creek_ is, spoiler, about a girl who gets pregnant after a one-night stand with a soldier who may or may not be named Ratskywatsky, to the shock of her small town.

Yeah, I thought of Becky, although the circumstances are very different, and Lanford isn't exactly scandalized by unwed pregnancy anymore.

Speaking of Becky, I'd ended up making a deal with her on Sunday. I'd let her meet Ben if she'd go over to the house after her Wednesday evening shift and spend the night there. I didn't think I was ready to spend the whole night with Ben, but I would feel better about it if she were there with the kids.

When Ben and I kissed by our cars, I asked what time I should pick him up.

"Oh, are you driving?" He sounded amused, like when he asked if I was fucking him. We both took our cars the time we went out for Chinese. Mostly we've ordered in since then.

"Yeah, not that I'm alphaing, but it just makes the most sense. I've been there and you haven't. Plus we can go back to your place after."

"Plus your sister can't judge my car if I don't take it."

I stared at him and he chuckled. "You're not the only one who can Google." He got in his car, said, "See you in an hour," waved, and drove off.

There aren't very many Mexican restaurants in Lanford. (About as many as there are coffeehouses and qualified therapists.). And I did tell Ben that Becky is a waitress. And she is on their website from when she became Employee of the Month, coincidentally the same month she had a one-night stand with her manager. (I know, I can't be too judge-y about that now.)

Maybe it was just as well that Ben had figured it out, rather than be ambushed. I'd hoped to spare him from being nervous about meeting my sister, but he was probably looking forward to it. Really, it was my nerves that were the problem. But how bad could it be?

When I picked up Ben, he'd changed out of his work jacket and into an overshirt, keeping the T-shirt underneath. I just wore what I wore to work, having given up on my professional look after the twists and turns of last Thursday.

Along the way, we discussed whether Midwestern Mexican food is a contradiction in terms, whether something can be both mild and spicy. Yeah, it got pretty flirty, as almost everything does with us.

Becky was at another table when we entered the restaurant, her back to us. Louise came over from the bar with a couple menus and said our server would be with us shortly. I sort of wanted to introduce Ben to Louise, because she's pretty cool, but I knew Becky would kill me if another of Mom and Dad's old friends from high school besides Crystal met my boyfriend-boss before she did. Not that Louise has been a part of our lives like Crystal, since she escaped Lanford over forty years ago. But I've talked to Louise a couple times since she came back to town and started working at Becky's restaurant. She's got some good stories, about Mom and about life as a musician.

"Thank you, Miss," I said to Louise, since she was being so formal.

She smiled and returned to the bar.

Ben chuckled.

"What?"

"She's obviously heard about me from Becky and she approves."

"What a narcissistic thing to say!"

"So none of your friends and family have been discussing me?"

I picked up a menu and said, "So many yummy choices."

He laughed again and took a look at his menu. "I think I'll have the pastel de carne."

I laughed. "Meatcake?"

"Meatloaf."

"Wouldn't that be pan de carne? You're going to have to try harder."

He tapped his menu. "It's right there, under platos principales."

I looked. He was right. I shook my head.

"Are you ready to order?" I asked after we set down our menus.

He said yes just as Becky came over to our table. I introduced them and she said she was on break. I was sort of hoping she'd say it was nice to meet Ben and then take his order, but I am gullible in some ways.

She shook his hand and said it was nice to meet him, but then she sat down and asked what he sees in me.

Ben laughed but I said, "Excuse me?"

She said that as the first person in the family to meet Ben, she's obligated to grill him and embarrass him. Ben chuckled, like this was going to be standard family teasing, like he probably does with his brothers. He was about to learn that the Conners take things to a whole other level.

In the same tone of voice that a normal sister would ask where he went to college, she said, "So, are you serious about her or is it just about the disappointing sex?"

I calmly told her that that was inappropriate, the sex is not disappointing, and Ben is a middle-aged man doing the best that he can.

Ben laughed harder than I'd ever heard him laugh before. Neil probably would've been scared off, but Ben rose to the challenge. For a moment, I thought he was going to say I'm still hung up on David, but instead he said, "Darlene won't commit to being serious because she's afraid of being vulnerable." He looked at Becky. "And you seem like a lunatic."

Becky nodded and kept smiling, like she'd own that.

I said that I'm afraid to be vulnerable because Ben is too old to have never been married "and I think there's something broken in there." That's not one of our major issues but it was something I was willing to admit to during the Mexican grill.

He indignantly said, "Who says I'm not married? You barely know me."

I chuckled. Then I saw Dad hanging up his coat. Ben wanted to meet him but I said Ben barely got past Becky. So I snuck Ben out through the kitchen before Dad saw us. I'd have to rely on Becky to not give us away.

Out in the alley, Ben said, "Great dinner, Darlene. Thanks for suggesting it."

"Sorry, but it was getting a bit much."

He nodded. "So what now?"

We were trying to follow each other's lead, but it still wasn't easy. "Maybe we could pick up a pizza? And then...?"

"Netflix and chill?"

"Well, yeah, we probably will have sex."

"That's not what I said. We can watch a movie and relax."

"No sex?"

"Well, not until after the movie."

I had my doubts we could hold out that long. Yes, we've stopped having sex at work after that crazy Thursday, but that was because we do have a magazine to publish. The only way we weren't going to have sex right after dinner was if we had an argument, and we'd been better about that, too.

We got a half-veggie, half-everything pizza to go. Standing next to him in line, I wanted to hold his hand. When he touched my back to let me know it was our turn, I wanted to snuggle into him. I know we're still new as a couple, but I feel like I did when I touched his shoulder to learn self-defense. And this is after his penis has been inside me! How long will this feeling last?

He kissed me in the car and I wanted to make out like he was David and this was 1993. Even though all we had to do was go to Ben's apartment, where there was no risk of being interrupted by the police.

Instead I asked, "What do you see in me?"

"Besides the disappointing sex?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I like that you're so serene. We spend such quiet, peaceful times together. And you're reliable, never throwing me for a loop with surprises. And you're serious and respectful."

I shook my head and then started the car. We got through two slices each and Trudy Kockenlocker's offscreen impregnation before we started making out on Ben's couch.


	12. Scarf

"I want to sleep over this weekend," I blurted out Friday morning.

Ben set down the latest batch of mugshots. "Does this have something to do with yesterday's sick day?"

"Sort of."

He rolled his chair over to my desk. "Talk to me."

I did my best not to cry as I told him about the day before. Well, I left out Becky telling me and Jackie that, after Ben and I left the restaurant, Louise hit on Dad, who missed the signals. I doubt anything is going to happen there, at least for awhile.

I told him about a cop stopping by the house the morning before, with Harris's scarf. It turned out he caught her drinking in the woods with friends. And Becky was there when the cop brought Harris home, but neither of them told me.

Harris had already left for school when I found out, and I guess I could've gone to work, but I instead called in sick. "...And I spent the day searching her room."

"For what?" Ben asked.

"I don't know. Empty bottles, pot, something. And the whole time, I kept thinking that this is the kind of thing I swore when I was a teenager that I'd never do to my kids if I ever had any."

Instead of commenting on that, Ben asked, "What did you find?"

"Nothing. But when she got home, we fought and I told her she's going to end up just like her Aunt Becky."

"There are worse things than being a waitress."

I hesitated and then I told him about Becky's alcoholism, and how she's trying to turn her life around because she's pregnant. I even told him a little about the conversation Becky and I had at the pool hall that evening.

Ben took my hand. "Baby, I'm glad you and your sister talked things out, but what does that have to do with you sleeping over?"

"I'm trying to be a good mom, and a good sister, a good everything, but I keep making mistakes."

"You're human."

"I guess." Ben chuckled, although I hadn't meant to be funny. I continued, "The thing is, I want to be with you, but I've been holding back, maybe because of my kids, or maybe they're just an excuse. If I were a worse mom and a better girlfriend, I'd have stayed out all night on a school night, not gone home until after work the next day."

"Or we could've both called in sick yesterday," he said with a mischievous grin.

"Uh, who would we be calling? The invisible receptionist?"

"Don't be so literal-minded."

I shook my head. "My point is, I wouldn't have known what Harris did or that Becky covered for her. Becky and I wouldn't have had that conversation and cleared the air about stuff that goes back to infancy."

"Infancy?"

"Or maybe I could've not gone out with you on a weeknight, or at least not stayed out later than my delinquent daughter. Then I'd have been there when Harris came home in a police car. The thing is, she'd still have been drinking in the woods with her friends."

"So you never got in trouble when you were her age?"

"Of course I did. And so did my mom. And I'm not saying that that means I want to leave my kids unsupervised. But I have to trust that other people can look after them. Even my sister's bestie the dominatrix."

"Back up."

I sighed. "Becky bonded with Blue and she thinks I should have Blue look after the kids this weekend, whether or not David has to work."

"So that we can be together?"

"Yeah."

He squeezed my hand. "I know this is a big step for you, in a lot of ways, and I really appreciate it. But this weekend isn't going to work."

"Why, do you have another date?"

"It's almost Christmas. I'm flying out this weekend."

"Oh, of course." Christmas is on Tuesday. "When?"

"Four a.m."

"Wait, tonight? Why so soon?"

He sighed and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "It was the cheapest flight I could get. And I bought it before all this happened."

I chuckled. "Especially the past week or so."

He nodded. "Yesterday was our one-week anniversary and you weren't even here to celebrate."

"Technically, an anniversary involves years."

"Editor," he muttered but slid our chairs closer. He cupped the back of my head so of course I stroked the edge of his beard. Our kiss was the sweetest so far.

Afterwards, he said, "We'll just have to start the weekend early."

"Ben, it's morning."

"And as your boss, I'm giving us both a mental health day. It is now," he glanced at my computer, "about nine. I'm not heading to Chicago until midnight. That gives us fifteen hours."

I was so tempted to go home with him early, to blow off the rest of the day. It wasn't like we'd be fired. "Ben, I want to, but I can't. I'm still a mom. I want to check in with Harris after work, and not just a text."

He nodded. "OK. I'll see you when I get back in a week."

"Couldn't we have dinner together? Or I could drive you to Chicago."

"In the middle of the night? And then you'd have to drive back alone."

"I don't mind. I'd get to see you off. And your car wouldn't have to sit in the lot for a week."

"That's sweet, but you don't have to do that."

"But I want to."

He sighed wearily.

"You don't want me to." I wasn't sure if it was a question.

"Look, Honey, in a way I'd love it. But this whole thing has blindsided me, how fast this has all happened, how intense it all is. If you take me to Chicago, I'm going to want you to stop at a hotel along the way and I will miss my flight. And I need to see my family, be reminded of who I am, where I come from. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Of course. It just seems like a waste to pay for parking all that time."

"I booked my Uber a couple weeks ago."

"Oh, well, good. Although that's going to be pricy in itself."

"Maybe I can get a lift from a friend on the way back."

"Not if it's in the middle of the night."

"It's noon on Saturday."

"Yeah, you could probably find someone."

We kissed again.

"How was school?" I asked Harris eight hours later.

"Fine."

"Did you see the boy you wore high heels in the woods for?"

"God, did Aunt Becky tell you everything?"

I did one of Mom's _Wouldn't you like to know?_ smiles.

"OK, I saw him but he's going to his grandparents' for winter break, so I'm not going to see him for two weeks and he'll probably forget me by then."

"You can text and stuff."

"It's not the same. Aren't you going to miss seeing Ben in person while he's in Texas?"

"Did Becky tell you about that?"

She did the WYLtK smile. Heredity is a bitch.

I sighed and admitted, "I'll miss him."

"Mom, are you sure you're ready for something this serious? I mean, you are still—"

"I know, technically married. I wasn't looking for someone. But he's here and I've got to figure out how to deal with it."

"Are you in love?"

"I don't know. With your dad, it built slowly, from a friendship where we spent all day every day together."

"You work with Ben almost every day."

"It's not the same."

"Because you're old now?"

"Yeah, I don't have too many years left to waste."

"Grandpa says he went out with that waitress Louise as just friends last night."

"Oh." I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not as worried as Jackie and Becky are, but it definitely feels too soon for Dad to date again.

"Is it weird for you to think of your dad being with someone other than your mom someday?"

"Of course. Just like it was probably weird when you first found out about Blue."

"I think it's weird for everyone to find out about Blue."

I laughed. "Yeah."

"But she's actually pretty cool when you get to know her. Not as cool as you, Mommy."

"Thanks. I, I think you'll like Ben when you meet him."

"And when will that be?"

"Probably 2019."

"That narrows it down."

"January. But not right away."

"Mark, too?"

"I'm trying to do this one Conner at a time."

"But we're Healys."

"You're Conners in spirit."

She nodded. "Yeah, Ben had better pace himself."

My phone chimed. I glanced down. **Leftover pizza and a little Miracle?**

"Is that Ben?"

"Yeah, um, I'm going to see him tonight but I'll be home by midnight."

"So will I."

"You're grounded, remember?"

"For how long?"

I sighed. When I was mad at her the day before, I'd said three weeks, but I really didn't feel like policing her into the new year. "One week."

"Can I still use my phone?"

"How else are you going to text that boy when he's at his grandparents'?"

"Thanks, Mom."

I was relieved when Dad came home from work just then. After the hellos, I asked, "Will you be around this evening?"

"Where else would I be?" he asked, pulling up a kitchen chair.

I knew it wasn't the time to have that conversation with him, especially in front of Harris. "I'm going out but just for a few hours."

"Have fun. Wear a scarf."

Harris and I smiled at each other and then I stood up and kissed them both goodbye on the forehead.


	13. Christmas Week

As I drive to Chicago, an old Daisy Chainsaw CD blasting, I try to clear my head. I keep flashing back to Christmas and how I on some level kept expecting Mom to walk in, maybe in the Santa suit she wore one year at the mall to make a little extra money. But I can't say there was a gap. Mom is always with us, even when she's not. Of course Christmas isn't the same now, but does that mean we stop living our lives? I realize I've entered a new phase of anger, so I turn down the music a little.

All that wrapping paper, and the Christmas crackers that Peter brought, although they're not medieval Nordic. Becky and Harris swearing the eggnog was nonalcoholic, but still whispering and giggling together. Mark hugging me because I bought him his first high heels, and I tried not to think of all these trappings of femininity that don't feel like a trap to him, and I joked that he'll be taller than me soon, only it wasn't really a joke because one day shrimpy D.J. was suddenly as tall as Dad. Mary not complaining that I got her _Princess and the Frog_ stuff years after other little girls moved on to Anna and Elsa, because Tiana will always be her princess, even though the movie is older than she is, and "Maybe I can have my own restaurant someday like Tiana and Granny Rose." Jackie for once didn't clear her throat and say, "It was my restaurant, too. And Nancy's. And, OK, Leon's." And so Grandma Bev didn't mention that she sold her share to Leon to spite her ungrateful daughters, but then Bev was distracted by a boyfriend, too. And Dad averted his eyes from the mistletoe, like he apparently once did when Nancy brought over her girlfriend, but I didn't see it because I was snowed in with David, holding him after his mother hit him and called me "a slut just like my sister," although I was still a virgin. And so young.

I blast the music again, ignoring the amused looks of the other drivers.

Other memories keep me company on the road to Chicago. Arguing, laughing, talking, flirting, working with Ben. Kissing, touching, and, yes, sex. I especially think of the last two times, which both started out with making out on his couch. But on Wednesday of last week, as soon as we got our hands under each other's shirt, he suggested we "adjourn to the boudoir."

But two nights later, we were being silly, MST3King the movie (even though it's really good so far and I want to ask D.J. the movie buff if he's ever seen it), and tickling and laughing and Ben scolded me only once for dripping pizza sauce on the couch. And the makeout came out of that, fondling and necking, like we were young and had no responsibilities, although when I was actually young I felt like I was Atlas and had to not only carry the world but heal it.

And then all of a sudden, his eyes became intense, not hungry like before but like they really wanted to see me. "Do you know how much I'm gonna miss you?"

"Show me," I whispered. 

And he did, pausing only to get a condom from the bedroom. I thought of joking about the pizza stain, but I didn't. And we could've gone into the bedroom, but we both knew it had to happen on the couch this time. Snuggling and making out and looking at each other as if for the first time, as if for the last time.

Naked and, yes, vulnerable in a different way than before. My eyes open, my cunt open, my mind open, my heart open. Ben gazing up at me as if I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met, gazing down at me as if I'm both a soulmate and a mystery. Even for awhile Ben at my side, teasing me, holding me tight. Ben stroking me with his hands and his penis, making all my skin tingle. His eyes penetrating me.

Our bodies meshing, reconnecting, pulling away just enough, and then merging again. Until he came and I told him, "I don't want you to go."

"I wish I could stay in there all night," he said as he withdrew, but I knew he knew I didn't just mean that. He kissed my hair. "It's only a week."

"I know but I'll miss you, Baby."

He looked startled at the endearment but then smiled and lightly fingered me. "You own a dildo, don't you?"

I blushed. "Of course. I've been celibate most of my marriage."

"So that will keep you company while I'm gone."

"You know I don't just like you for your body, or one body part."

"Right, but I'll text you so you won't miss my sparkling wit."

"Will you call, too? I'll miss your voice."

He stared at me. "What the hell happened to Darlene Conner-Healy?"

I blushed. "Sorry, this is too much. I'll back off again."

He chuckled. "Don't you dare."

We texted a lot, flirty, smutty, affectionate. I called him on Christmas Day, both of us hiding in our childhood bedrooms, escaping the family madness for a moment.

"I wish you were here," he whispered.

"Saying howdy to your family?"

"No, making out with me in my room."

"Wouldn't that be a little antisocial of us?"

"OK, holding hands in the living room while my brothers and I let you in on the Grandpa's Off His Meds Again and Is About to Say Something Politically or Otherwise Offensive pool."

I reminded myself he doesn't know how my mom died. "I've got a 92-year-old grandmother who still gets spun up about Eleanor Roosevelt."

"OK, you win."

"I can really hear your twang."

"I warned you."

"I like it. Say something Texan."

"He's all hat and no cattle."

"Is that like all mouth and no trousers?"

"What the hell is that?"

"British."

"Do it with an accent."

"I suck at accents. Especially British. When I tried to read _Harry Potter_ to Mark when he was little, he made me get the audiobooks from the library."

"Please, Darlene. It's Christmas."

"Couldn't I just give you a gift card?"

"I should go."

I sighed and put on a posh British accent, wishing I'd inherited Dad's vocal talents. "Happy Boxing Day tomorrow."

I could hear the grin in his voice as he drawled, "I like that, Sugar."

"We should go back to our families before someone catches us having phone foreplay."

"I'll text you later."

"With dick pics?"

"Nah, you're gonna have to rely on recent memories."

So I did, when I returned to my room later. But it just made me miss him more, like his string of suggestive emojis at midnight.

Finally, I'm waiting at baggage claim at O'Hare as agreed and I catch a glimpse of him in the crowd. I text him the word "peach." He doesn't see me and he reaches for his phone when it chimes. He smiles and types something. My phone chimes and I look down and read **"Eggplant."** I look up and our eyes meet. He runs over and wraps his warm, strong arms around me.

"Welcome back," I murmur.

"Damned longest week of my life," he drawls.

I laugh and hold him tighter, ready to make new memories.


	14. Stress

When he lets go, he grins and drawls, "Darlene Conner-Healy, you're wearin' a dress, in the wintertime."

"Merry Belated Christmas."

"Beats the hell out of a gift card anyday."

"How long does the accent last?"

"Depends on how much talkin' we do this weekend."

I blush. "Let's get your luggage."

We watch the baggage carousel in silence that is full but not awkward. We have a lot to say but it can wait.

He spots his suitcase, which looks worn but durable. He easily lifts it, although it must have a week's worth of clothes. "Where are you parked?"

I lead him to my parking space. "You're OK with me driving?"

He shrugs. "You're cheaper than Uber."

"Thanks but I mean it's a long way to Lanford. Are you going to be OK as an alpha with me driving?"

"You mean am I going to want to give you advice and directions? Of course. Wouldn't you?"

"Well, yeah," I admit.

"It doesn't mean we'll argue, or even if we do, it's not the end of the world. My parents have been arguing for over half a century."

"Yeah, mine did, too," I say quietly, thinking of how they didn't quite make fifty years together, even if you count dating in high school.

"Besides, if I start to stress about your driving I'm going to think about your legs."

I laugh and blush. It's not like I'm in a miniskirt. I dug an old long floral print out of my closet, something I wore at art school, so '90s that I feel like I should be wearing a black hat. I'm wearing black leggings since it is December. It's not like Ben can see even my ankles, because I'm wearing black boots, but I think it's the idea that I'd do this for him when I didn't have to. It's not letting him be in control like Blue suggested, but doing something my boyfriend likes that's painless for me.

We make it to my car and I pop the trunk open so Ben can toss his suitcase in. Then I get into the driver's seat and Ben prepares to ride shotgun.

He leans over and kisses me. "That'll help keep you warm on our long journey without a heater."

"Actually, my dad fixed it, for my Christmas gift."

"Oh, yeah, you told me once he was sort of a mechanic."

I think of the bike shop, Dad's dream that crumbled, taking Becky's dream of college with it. Dad still works on bikes, like Peter's Vespa, but it's not the same, just like I still write when I'm not too worn out by life.

We buckle up and I start the car. I think of how I lived in Chicago for years but I never liked driving here. I would've given it up and relied on public transportation, but I needed the car with two kids.

I don't say anything as I get us out of the airport and onto the freeway. I'm trying to focus on my driving.

"Do you want me to drive?"

"You could've suggested that before we left!" I snap.

"I knew you wanted to drive and it is your car, but it looks like it's stressing you out."

"What's stressing me out is you talking while I'm driving."

Ben immediately shuts up, not even mumbling sorry like David would've.

So I mumble it.

Instead of saying it's all right, or anything, he turns on the music that I shut off when I was approaching the airport. I can't hear his surprised laughter over Daisy Chainsaw, but I sense it, and it relaxes me a little.

When we're finally out of the urban sprawl, I turn off the music and ask, "So how was your flight?"

"Good. It's just two and a half hours to get from Dallas."

"It'll take us longer than that to get to Lanford on a holiday weekend."

"I really don't mind driving, if it's OK with you."

"Thank you, but I'm better now."

"Good. Can you drive one-handed?"

"What do you have in mind, Cowboy?"

"I'll try to keep it clean."

I take my right hand off the wheel and stick it in front of him without taking my eyes off the road. 

He moves my hand to his lips and lightly kisses it. Then he starts massaging my hand with both of his. It's nothing like when Blue did it. Ben knows my body so well, how to make me respond, although last time, on the couch, he said he's still learning me and we're just getting started.

I bite my lip and try to keep focused on the road.

"You're not relaxing."

"When have you ever had that effect on me?"

Ben chuckles and moves one of his hands away. The other squeezes mine, and then he just holds it.

"I'm going to need that back for the turn signal."

"Are you leaving the car pool lane already?"

"That and I want to take the next exit."

"Is something wrong? Do you want to switch off after all?"

"I want to take you to the nearest motel and screw your brains out. If you're not jetlagged."

He moves our clasped hands onto the bulge in his jeans. "It's all one time zone, Darlin'."

I know he means Central Time, but I think he also means that even though we were physically separated, we were still together on some level. And, yes, I wonder if that's his latest endearment, but it sounds so good with the twang.

He moves his hand up and flicks the turn signal for me. I leave my hand resting lightly in his lap.

He asks, "Elmhurst work for you?"

It's on the way to Elgin, with Lanford after that. "Sure."

With Ben doing turn signals, I exit and am soon driving through Elmhurst.

"Can you put both hands on the wheel again? I want to check my phone for hotels and motels. We may not be able to find anything on a holiday weekend."

"Yeah, this is a big tourist town," I say, going back to the ten and two position.

He chuckles and then he gets out his phone and turns it on. While he types in the search, he asks, "So what's your situation with the kids this weekend?"

"I had them the first week of their vacation and David has them the second week, which started this morning."

"So you don't have to go home at all for a week?"

"Well, I promised my dad I'd watch the Rose Bowl with him."

"How did I not know you like football?"

I shrug. "Do you?"

"I'm Texan. It's kind of our state religion."

I chuckle and then I sigh. I want to ask him to come over on Tuesday to watch the game, but, one, it's a father-daughter tradition, unlike the Super Bowl, when Chuck and all of Dad's other friends come over; and two, I don't feel ready for Ben to meet my father, especially not if we're rolling out of Ben's bed after three days.

He pats my leg. "I wasn't hintin' for an invitation."

"I know. But I do want you to meet my family. Preferably when my uncontrollable lust dies down."

"That could take a few years." He strokes my leg.

"Ben," I whisper.

"Sorry, I'll find us a place to take the edge off your lust." He lifts his hand and goes back to his phone. Then he chuckles.

"What?"

"How about the Brer Rabbit Motel?"

"Oh, throw me in that briar patch!"

He chuckles again and says, "These reviews are horrible."

"It's the Internet. You've got to expect some trolls."

"This isn't the usual mold and rats. One review says, 'Drugs, prostitution, satanic cults.' "

"Oh, now we have to go!"

Ben laughs hard. "You are the weirdest woman I've ever dated."

"No need to sweet talk me now. Give me directions."

So he does. Yes, there's a vacancy. They charge by the hour and Ben pays for two.

"We could've gone Dutch," I say on the walk to our room. "Each paid for an hour."

He shrugs. "It's one of your Christmas presents."

"What are the others?"

"Be patient."

"It's already the fifth day."

"Well, it's not five golden rings."

Things get awkward in a way like and unlike that moment after he said, "I think you know exactly the kind of woman I'm attracted to." Is he calling or not calling himself my true love? And why are we talking about rings when we've been involved only half a month?

Then he coughs and says, "Let's check this place out."

I nod and he unlocks the door, with an actual key rather than a key card. We go in and he definitely doesn't carry me over the threshold. I close the door, flick on the light, look around, and laugh my ass off.

Hanging over the bed is a very large painting that looks like the cover of a romance novel. When I can breathe again, I say, "Well, that really sets the mood."

I look at Ben, who seems more horrified than amused.

"You're not taking off your shoes," I observe.

*That's because I think this carpet has more germs than the ground."

I don't think he's joking. "Does that mean you don't want to take off any of your clothes?"

"I don't like the looks of that bedspread either."

I look at it and see stains, some of which I can't identify. I look at Ben again. "I'm sorry. I just thought it would make a good story."

"Yeah, but I don't think I can get it up in here."

I think of David in a different motel, years ago on Prom Night. The one time he couldn't maintain an erection was the time when I planned for us to lose our virginities. He fell too pressured by the situation.

I tilt my head up and am glad to be wearing boots as I kiss Ben. "We should go," I say afterwards.

"In a minute," he says and gives me a longer kiss.

I consider suggesting that we do it standing up, but we'd still have to shower after and I hate to think how filthy the bathroom is.

After the kiss, he says, "Now watch as I demonstrate intimidation on the desk clerk while I demand a refund."

I don't even attempt a Japanese accent with "Lead on, O Wise Sensei."

Ben chuckles, grabs my hand, and takes me back to the lobby.


	15. Practice

Ben got a refund for the second hour but not the first since we had used part of that. Then I let him drive my car the rest of the way to his place. He hadn't suggested it again. I just tossed him my keys when we went back to the parking lot.

"You sure?"

I nodded. "It'll be good practice for me." I knew I didn't have to explain that I meant letting someone else alpha for awhile.

And it was OK. I mean, yes, it was weird watching him adjust the driver's seat for more leg room. And, yes, I kept wanting to give him advice and directions. Sometimes I bit my tongue, but sometimes I did say something, as calmly as I could. And sometimes Ben did what I said and sometimes he did what he'd already planned to do. But it didn't feel like a battle of wills, just a difference of opinion.

Finally, we made it to Ben's. He got his suitcase out of the trunk and I got my overnight bag off the backseat. We headed up to his apartment and he unlocked the door. We went in and he took off his shoes. And then he looked down at my boots.

"Stay right there."

So I did, although I set down my bag, closed the door, and hung up my coat. He took the suitcase into the bedroom and then came back without his coat. He scooped me up into his arms and set me on the dining room table. Then he started taking one of my boots off.

"I could've taken them off in the hallway."

"I don't mind." He slid one boot off and then carried it over to the spot by the door where he likes shoes to be left. Then he came back and did the other one. And then he washed his hands at the sink.

"Can I get off the table now?"

"Not yet."

So I stayed put as he came back to the table. This time, he caressed both my legs, well, my leggings. He leaned over and kissed me.

"God, I missed you!" His voice was husky, with just a trace of the twang now, and it sent a shiver all through me.

"I missed you, too," I murmured. I couldn't help thinking that I saw Neil once or twice a week, and it was nice but I never felt the need for more. I can't get enough of Ben, and that scares me a little, although at least it's not one-sided. And I don't think it's just lust, although, damn, I've never craved anyone like this. Yes, I loved sex with David, but we had friendship and then love and then sex. And I was so young then, hardly any experience before him.

This doesn't mean Becky is right that I don't know what incredible sex is. I would know things are incredible with Ben if I'd been with no one before, or as many men as Becky has. But it does mean that I've been as blindsided by this as Ben said he was last week.

It's not just sex but sex is definitely a big part of it.

Ben pushed my long dress up further as he caressed higher up the leggings. And then he eased the leggings down.

"Are we going to do it on the table?" I had to ask.

"Nah, I should probably carry you off to bed."

"Fireman's carry?"

"Not this time." He scooped me into his arms again and this time I let myself nestle into him. I think I'm starting to see that letting someone else be strong doesn't make me weak.

He carried me to his bed and set me down. Then he crawled in next to me and stroked my face. I shivered again.

"You cold, Darlin'? I had the heater off while I was away."

"I'm not cold," I said and stroked his beard.

He drawled, "Dang, Girl, what you do to me!"

I didn't mind him calling me Girl, any more than I mind Baby and all the rest, not when it's Ben.

We kissed softly, like a first kiss but not tentative. I know that my first "move" didn't have to be jumping him, that we could've taken things slowly, had a more typical first kiss, not followed almost immediately by a first fuck. But I went slow with David when I was young, and I wasn't entirely kidding when I told Harris that I don't have time to waste anymore.

Still, we were savoring more than rushing. We did have a few days of being alone ahead of us. I still couldn't quite believe it. I kept expecting some family crisis to break out, to get an urgent text requiring me to rush right home. But I still wanted to treasure every moment.

He deepened the kiss and stroked my hair, then our hands slowly moved down, not in sync, not mirroring each other, but similar. My dress was still pushed up to my thighs and Ben's hands eventually reached the hem and pushed it further up, past my hips, my waist, my chest. Then he unhooked my bra and teased my breasts while we necked.

After awhile, I sat up and impatiently yanked off my dress and bra. He chuckled but changed to a groan when I put my chest against his face. He moved one hand onto my right breast to hold it as he kissed and licked, while his other hand slipped between my thighs.

He waited only a few minutes before he stopped and said, "Hold on." Then he sat up and stripped off his shirt. Then he lay on his back and said, "Sit on my stomach, Darlin'."

So I did. I leaned over him and nibbled his neck, then gave him each breast to suck in turn, teasing and being teased.

Then I lay on top of him and kissed my way down until I was teasing his chest, lightly tugging on the dark blond curls, flicking his hard little brown man-nipples with my tongue.

He moaned and caressed my ass. "God, Baby!"

I spread my legs around his hips, his cock straining towards me through our underwear and his jeans. I could practically hear my cunt crying, "I miss you, Boyfriend!"

I rocked on Ben a little and he rolled under me, now squeezing my ass.

"Don't you think it's about time they had their reunion?"

"Hey, I offered in Elmhurst."

"So I get only one opportunity a day?"

"Well, maybe two." I kissed further down him so that my face was on his stomach. Then I undid the button and zipper of his jeans. He caught his breath sharply. I don't know if he thought I was going to go down on him, but I think it's still too early to be AIDS-tested. Neil wasn't even two months ago. And blowjobs are supposed to be riskier than getting eaten out. On the other hand, Neil and I were super safe, so I don't know.

I started tugging down his jeans and briefs.

"Baby?"

"Trust me," I whispered.

"OK."

I licked two of my fingers and then started stroking his cock, which leapt into my hand like a dolphin. And I very carefully kissed his balls.

"Jesus, Honey!" His twang sounded stronger than ever and I imagined him coming Texanly.

"Can I ride you, Cowboy?"

"Shit, yeah," he drawled.

So I slipped off my panties as he got a condom and put it on. Then I mounted him, his knees bent so that I could feel his thighs against my back. "Welcome back," I said, as I felt each wonderful inch rise into me.

"It's good to be back," he said, giving me a chest massage with both hands.

He let me pleasure myself on him, and I felt a little selfish, but it wasn't like he wasn't getting anything out of it. He grinned big when I came, gasping his name.

Then I rested on top of him as he slowly, somehow tenderly fucked me. I'd thrust and clench and roll but he did most of the work. I listened to the speed and rhythm of his heartbeat like it was my favorite song.

"Come on me again, Baby," he whispered.

So I did, more quietly this time.

Then I got up and lay next to him. I stroked his beard. "Thank you."

"My pleasure."

I chuckled and then kissed his cheek. "What position do you want now? I mean, I assume on top, but beyond that."

"Nothin' fancy."

He gently arranged me with his hands, so that my legs were spread but bent as I lay on my back. Then he wrapped them around his ass as he knelt. He teased his way into me. Slow, shallow thrusts forward, then quick pulls out. Until I dug my heels into his ass. Then came the quick but deep thrusts, teasing in a different way, until I came again.

When he came, it was with the deepest, quickest thrust but I didn't even realize he was done until he withdrew, unwrapped my legs, and grinned down at me. "Holy shit, I love fucking you!"

I grinned up at him and said, "Good, now go make me your famous Belgian waffles."

He collapsed onto the bed in exhaustion and amusement. And we cuddled until the wintry sunset.


	16. New Year

I was glad the Rose Bowl wasn't until mid-afternoon. I got to wake up late with Ben, after having rung in the New Year together. We'd both been invited to parties but we're still in the honeymoon phase or whatever this is. And it doesn't seem right to introduce Ben to friends when most of my family still hasn't met him.

Ben and I had joked about watching the parade together, but we were still asleep when it started. And then when I woke for the third morning in a row with Ben spooning me, one arm around my stomach, the other around my chest, his penis happily snuggling up against my butt cheek, well, I was in no hurry to go into the living room, no matter how good his waffles are.

We did watch some TV that weekend, because even we couldn't stay in bed the whole time. For one thing, we had to eat, and not just waffles. Ben hadn't tried to cook for me since the paella, but he didn't want to just get takeout all weekend. We eased into it, with sandwiches, and even then I had to explain that I did not want the crusts cut off.

When he did actually cook, it wasn't anything elaborate. He was not going to spend hours in the kitchen like he did for our disastrous first date. And I did my best to help without going against his recipes. I worked my way up to it, starting with setting the table, and then by Tuesday brunch I got to flip the pancakes by my own timing.

Mostly though, we were in bed. Not that we spent the whole time doing it, or sleeping. Yeah, sometimes we were kissing and touching. But sometimes we were talking. It was less about us as a couple than me and him as individuals. We talked about favorite books, movies, and music, arguing about some, agreeing on others, and just finding out about the rest. We talked more about our childhoods than we had before, and our work histories, including how he got the idea for _Lock 'Em Up_ when he was at the post office.

I talked to him about my kids and admitted I missed them after only (at that point) a couple days, although I also admitted if was nice to take a break. And I told him about my baby that died.

He held me as I cried.

I mumbled, "You wanted me to be vulnerable."

He kissed my hair and then he said, "Do you think that's why you're a little possessive of your kids?"

I glared at him. "Possessive?!"

"I mean you always sound like you're the only one who can parent them, when you've got a good support system."

I struggled not to argue, or defend myself. "Well, for a long time, I was raising them alone. David left me with two little kids in Chicago."

He nodded. "That makes sense. And you were probably strong before that, but you'd have to be really strong to get through that."

No wonder I can never stay mad at him. Even when he criticizes me, it somehow turns into a compliment.

We didn't talk about our past relationships, although I was tempted to when I brought up David leaving me. I am curious about his exes, and why he's never been married, but I feel like it has less direct bearing on our lives than David does. Also, we're in our first month, and he hasn't really brought it up, so I can wait.

Eventually the weekend had to end. We'd agreed to go back to work on Wednesday and then I'd sleep over that night and Thursday, but Friday night was out because the kids were coming home Saturday and I wanted a relatively clear, un-hormone-addled head.

Tuesday, well, from mid-afternoon onward, was for me and Dad. It was weird to come home after what felt like weeks rather than days and see all the Christmas stuff still up. I set down my overnight bag (which had three pairs of panties, the leggings, and the dress inside) and rang the jingle bells that Mary added to the tree a month earlier.

Dad entered from the kitchen with an unopened beer can and a plate of buffalo wings. "Don't say it. I already heard it all from Jackie."

"Heard what?"

"How I'm afraid to take down the tree and everything because I don't want 2018 to end because that would mean your mom is really gone."

"Oh, I just figured you were too lazy."

Dad chuckled and said, "Thanks," and I knew he was saying a lot in that one word, including thanks for not fussing with his grieving process for once.

Dad waited until halftime, when it was clear that our Midwestern loyalty was going to help carry Ohio State to victory, to ask, "How are things going with the un-David?"

I hadn't told my dad anything about Ben, beyond that I got the job at the tabloid. But with so many of our female relatives at least aware of my crush, obviously someone was going to tell Dad something. I didn't entirely mind. At least I wouldn't have to start from zero.

"Good. I, I think you'd like him."

"That's what Becky, Crystal, and Louise said."

I snorted. Then I had to ask, "And how are things going with your non-girlfriend?"

"Fine. I went to a New Year's bash with her last night."

"Dad, no one has used the word bash in that sense since you were Harris's age."

"Shindig then."

I wanted to ask if they'd kissed at midnight, if they were still just friends, but I kind of didn't want to know, and not only because of Mom. So I just said, "I'm glad you're getting out and being social."

"You, too," he said, and I wasn't sure whether or not he was being sarcastic. Then he asked, "So when am I gonna meet this guy?"

"Well, when are you taking down the tree?"

He shrugged. "Next week?"

"Then how about dinner Friday after next?"

"The restaurant?"

I knew he meant Becky's restaurant, but I didn't want her to be part of this for once. The last thing I needed was Becky bringing up my sex life in front of our father. Or comparing me and Ben to trains.

"How about here?"

"OK. Should I invite Jackie?"

This time I knew he was joking, in the sense that we don't have to invite Jackie over here. She's family and she's going to show up anyway. And I realized that if this was going to be dinner here, then Ben definitely wasn't going to be meeting one Conner at a time. He'd meet my kids, both of them, and that would mean something more than if Neil had met them.

"Sure, but not Peter."

"Oh, darn." I'm not sure how much Dad dislikes Jackie's boyfriend, but Peter isn't family, not in the way Fred was for a couple years.

"And not D.J. and Geena and Mary, not yet." I know, Geena met Neil, but again, her meeting Ben would feel more serious, especially if she disapproves of my "adultery."

"Yeah, I don't feel like cooking for a big crowd."

I smiled. "You're cooking?"

"Well, we want to impress the guy, don't we?"

"Thanks, Dad," I said and we went back to watching the game.


	17. Sick Day

" _Lock 'Em Up!_ How may I help you?" After all these weeks, it still feels weird to say our magazine's judge-y name in a welcoming manner. Not that we get that many phone calls.

"Darlene, can you come home right away?"

"D.J., is that you? Why are you crying?" My first thought was that Geena had left him.

He sniffled. "I'm not crying. I have a cold."

"Oh. But why can't Geena take care of you?"

"She just started her new job and she doesn't have any sick leave. Besides she's not sleeping with her boss."

"Excuse you?"

"Come on, Darlene, you obviously lead this guy around by his junk, like you did to David and poor Neil."

"You are sick."

He sneezed.

"What are you even doing over there?"

"Well, to be honest, Geena doesn't want me getting her and Mary sick."

"Oh." I felt sorry for him, even though he'd been rude to me. "Look, I'll see what I can do, but no promises."

"Thanks, Darlene! You're still my favorite sister."

I knew he wasn't just flattering me. Even though I bullied him when we were kids, we've always been closer than him and Becky, although he used to get along better with his older brother-in-law than with David. I had the feeling that he hadn't bothered to ask Becky, although she mostly works afternoons and evenings.

I said, "That's not saying much. I'll call you if it doesn't work out."

"See you soon." He had a coughing fit and hung up.

I set down the phone and looked over at Ben, who asked, "Do we need to have another talk about how you interact with the advertisers?"

"That was a subscriber."

"Well, that's OK then."

"My brother wants me to take care of him while he's sick."

"Why you?"

"It's a long story. Can I go?"

"Hm, are you going to offer me sexual favors?"

"No more than usual."

"And what if your brother gets you sick?"

"Then I'll have to put off the sexual favors."

"I think I'm gonna have to say no then."

"OK, I'll call him back."

"You are a terrible negotiator."

"Only when it's something I don't want that bad."

"Well, you can go if you want. We're caught up from the holidays now."

"Thanks." I didn't really want to go, but I felt like I should. I grabbed my coat and went over to Ben's desk to kiss him goodbye.

He stood up by the time I got there. We hadn't kissed since the Friday before, when we left work, and it was now the Monday after the kids' winter break. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it felt like it. Judging from the way Ben kissed back, he'd missed it, too.

Afterwards, he asked, "Are you coming in tomorrow?"

"Let's wait and see if it's just a 24-hour thing."

"And if he gets you sick."

"Yeah, I know what a germophobe you are."

"Exactly." He kissed me again.

When I got home, I found out that the reason why D.J. called my work rather than my cell is he forgot his own phone when he drove over, and it was easier for him to use our landline to dial the number in the "Ho Ho Ho, Holdup" edition of the magazine that was lying on the coffee table than for him to try to remember my number.

I also found out that Dad was filling in for him as a vending machine technician. Since Dad is self-employed, he could take the time off his own job.

"Why couldn't you take a sick day? No, wait, don't tell me. You're not sleeping with your boss."

"Sorry I said that, but it's true, isn't it?"

"Not the part about his junk, but yeah."

"Is it weird dating again after David?"

"I think it was weirder with Neil. Not that there aren't adjustments to make, but I feel like I've known Ben for years, not a couple months."

"So it's pretty serious?"

"Yeah, in some ways."

"So when am I gonna meet him?"

"Dad and the kids are next." I decided not to mention Jackie. "Besides, you're contagious."

"Can you make me breakfast? I was too nauseous earlier."

I sighed and wished I was at work. But now that Mom is gone, I guess I'm the one who has to do the nurturing crap.

...

"Hey, I was just gonna call and see if you think you might come in tomorrow."

"I'm sorry but I need to take another day off."

"Is your brother not getting any better?"

"Well, he's doing better than my dad."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, a vending machine fell on my father."

"OK, points for creativity, but you need to make your excuses more plausible."

"I'm serious." I explained about Dad's accident while covering for D.J. "...So tomorrow I need to drive him over to see D.J.'s boss to find out if the company will cover the medical expenses."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Loan me a few thousand dollars?"

"How about I take you out to dinner tomorrow night?"

"Thanks, but I've got to stay in and look after my dad for awhile."

"Oh. Then I guess Friday dinner with your family is out."

"Um, yeah." Dad hadn't even taken down the wreath on the door, and now he wouldn't be doing that any time soon. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no, I didn't mean to make this about me. I was looking forward to meeting more of your family. And I'm gonna miss seeing you. But obviously you're going through a lot right now, and I just need to be patient."

"I'll miss you, too. I'd much rather be with you right now."

He sighed. "I wish you were lying next to me."

I sighed back and curled up under the covers. "Me, too."

"We wouldn't even have to fuck. I just want to hold you."

"I want both."

"Yeah?" His voice got husky.

"Ben, we can't have phone sex right now."

"Why not?"

"Because I've got too much on my mind."

"Don't you want a distraction?"

I was tempted of course, but I didn't want to get too worked up right then, not when I might have to check on my dad or D.J. "Rain check?"

"It's snowing right now."  


"Yeah, I can see it out my window."  


"I'd like to be snowbound with you."

"Yeah. As long as we had a bathroom and plenty of food."

He chuckled. "Yeah. Snuggling with you under the covers, as the rest of the world disappears for awhile."

"That sounds nice, and impossible."

"Well, for now."

It's hard to imagine being able to get away from even my family. They all need me so much, more than ever with Mom gone. But it is good to escape a little with Ben when I can.


	18. Soup

I look at Ben and say, "Tell me something I don't know about you."

It's two weeks after Dad's accident and I'm back at work. I did some writing and editing remotely from home, but I hadn't seen Ben in person since the day I took care of D.J. Ben and I called and texted of course, but it wasn't the same. His computer isn't set up for Skype and his phone doesn't have FaceTime, so I hadn't seen him at all until this morning. And I hadn't touched him until our hug hello.

Jackie has agreed to take my dad to see the doctor today. It turned out that he didn't have to wear the sling that long, so it's supposed to be coming off this afternoon. (The hospital said we qualify for an assistance program because we're technically indigent, so that's been a big relief, especially since D.J.'s company wouldn't give us much, despite the pathetic lawyer I hired.) And Dad's promised me that he'll take down the Christmas decorations this week. Yes, the dinner with Ben is back on. I just have to tell my kids.

Ben made vegetable soup for us to share for lunch, to celebrate our reunion. (I still feel a little guilty about serving D.J. very expired chicken noodle, but he's doing much better now.) It's weird to think that Ben and I were separated twice as long as we were over Christmas, even though we were in the same town. I wanted to ask him over, but I felt like I couldn't because he hasn't met my family yet. It'll be easier after Friday night because then we'll have gotten over that hurdle.

Anyway, Ben brought the soup in Tupperware and heated it up in the office microwave. I pulled my chair up to his desk and we're chatting as we eat. The soup is good, filling but light. And so is the conversation, at first.

"Besides whether or not I'm married?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I play the piano."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'll play something for you the next time you come over."

"Uh, Ben, your apartment is too small for a piano."

"I have a keyboard I keep in my closet."

"Oh, cool."

"Your turn."

There's so much to choose from. I find myself sharing something I obviously don't tell everyone. "Well, the first time I got pregnant was at Disney World."

He laughs. "The Happiest Place on Earth?"

"Exactly."

"Was it your honeymoon or something?"

"Uh, no. I was 19 and at art school."

He frowns. "Was that the baby that died?"

"Yeah."

"Did you get married because you were pregnant?"

"Well, we were in love and had already had been together for years. But we probably would've waited another couple years."

"Do you regret the timing? Considering what happened to the baby."

I sigh. It isn't like I haven't thought about it over the years, especially when things got bad with David. "Ultimately, no. Whether or not I should've married David, it was I wanted. And we did later have two great kids, so I can't regret that."

He nods. "My last breakup was because of Disney World."

I laugh. "There's a lot to fight about there." I remember fighting with David for most of the trip, and then Winnie the Pooh melted my heart, and I got pregnant. (By David, not Winnie. I'm not a furry.)

He frowns. "We never made it there. She left me at O'Hare."

I decide not to point out that that rhymed. "An airport breakup? That sucks."

"Yeah, especially since it was during a layover."

"Wait, you weren't living in Illinois at the time?"

"No, I was still a Texan."

I set my spoon in the bowl and lean back. "Go on."

He clears his throat and sets down his own spoon. "Well, it was the weekend before Valentine's Day and I was taking my girlfriend to Disney World."

"Why did you have a layover in Chicago on the way from Dallas to Orlando?"

"It was the cheapest route I could get. Plus I wanted to surprise her, not tell her our final destination until we got to Chicago."

"And she just let you?"

"I was the alpha," he reminds me. "So we had our layover and I handed her her ticket for the connecting flight."

"Then what?"

"She got mad at me for wanting to take her to Florida."

"What's wrong with Florida? Besides the obvious."

"She thought I was taking her someplace romantic, like Paris."

"Anywhere can be romantic if you love the person."

Ben looks at me with those incredible eyes and my heart speeds up, but I can't stand it, especially when we're just supposed to be having a nice lunchtime conversation. I pick up my spoon and eat some more soup. "Mm, mm, good."

"My coffee is also good to the last drop."

I shake my head. "So what happened after that?"

"She exchanged her ticket to Orlando for one back to Dallas. And I let her go."

"Just like that?"

"What was I supposed to do, drag her to Disney World?"

"Uh, you could've gone back to Dallas with her."

He shakes his head. "I already was taking a week's vacation. I wasn't going to just turn around and go home."

I shake my head. He really can be stubborn and uncompromising. "So what did you do? Go to Disney World by yourself?"

"Nah, I didn't feel like it. So after we hugged goodbye, I got a refund on my ticket and rented a car. Then I just drove out of the city until I hit a rundown little town."

"I think I know where this is going."

He nods. "I decided to buy a postcard of this scenic venue. So I went into the post office."

"Uh, Ben, Lanford post offices don't sell postcards, except those plain cards."

"I found that out. So I decided to buy stamps. And while I was waiting in line, I noticed the mugshots on the wall."

"I do know where this is going."

"And the couple behind me started talking about them, because they recognized a neighbor and they got happy."

"Schadenfreude."

"Gesundheit. And by the time I got to the counter, I had a plan. So after I got my stamps, I asked the lady where they get their mugshots. She said the government provides them and I asked if I could have some as a private citizen. And I ended up explaining the concept of _Lock 'Em Up_ to her, and the couple behind me loved it and, well, it took awhile to set up but I quit my job at the _Dallas Morning News_ , moved to Lanford, took out a loan, bought some very used office furniture, hired Earl, and here I've been for almost a year."

"Wait, this was only last year?"

"I told you it was my last breakup. Did you think I hadn't been dating for years before you?"

"No, I, it's just 2018 was an eventful year for me, too."

"Yeah. So there you go, a few things you didn't know about me."

"Yeah. Did you consider at least talking to your girlfriend when you got back to Texas?"

"At first I thought I'd have a week of cooling off, not saying anything I'd regret. And then maybe try to get her back after my vacation. But I realized I had a chance at a new life and my relationship with her was a repeat of the last time I lived with a woman. Why keep doing the wrong thing, you know?"

I nod, thinking of Neil. "Then I'm glad she dumped you."

"Oh, now you're glad."

"Well, I've always been glad that you moved here to enrich the literary world of Lanford."

He chuckles. "Thanks. And it gave me a chance to hire someone intelligent with an obnoxious kind of integrity."

"Thank you."

"That I fell in love with you is just an unexpected bonus."

I stare at him. "Wait, Ben, you can't just say that in a casual way!"

"Why not? I can't say it in bed because you'll think I'm under the influence of sex."

"Yeah, but, wow!"

"This is something you know about me though, right? Like I know that you're in love with me."

I slowly say, "It wasn't something I'd consciously thought about either of us. But you're right." I mischievously add, "As usual."

I expect him to say something like, "It's about time you admitted that," but instead he swallows words instead of soup, coughs, and says, "You were right about the magazine."

I stare at him again. The magazine is his baby and he likes advice about it as much as I like advice about my kids. "I was?"

"Well, not about everything. But we've got the doctor as well as the monster now."

I nod. He told me early on that our readers are at the intellectual level of Frankenstein's monster. But now we get comments on the website that suggest that college students are reading it in a post-modern, ironic sort of way, like thirty years ago when college students read _Weekly World News_ for laughs, even though we are factually accurate and do not mention Elvis or Bat Boy. "You're welcome."

"Nice deflection by the way."

I blush a little. "You know I'm not good about talking about my feelings."

"I know. But I love you anyway."

"I love you, too," I say quietly.

He does what I think of as his Ben-nod, not just a simple up & down but this bouncy multi-nod, with his intense eyes zeroing in on me with the final head-dip. "Good. I wanted to talk about this before I meet your dad and kids. Not that I'm going to stand up on the table and declare my love for you."

"Good. The table's not that stable. Neither is my family for that matter."

"I still can't wait to meet them."

"Just remember, I'm the sane one."

"Obviously." He leans forward and kisses me.

I want to make out, hell, I want to make love to him, right now, in the office, but we're going out Saturday night.

He caresses my cheek and says, "We need to get back to work."

"Right again." I pour our unfinished soup back into the Tupperware.


	19. Lunch and Dinner

"So what do you want to order for lunch today?" Ben asks Thursday morning.

"Uh, actually, I'm picking up the kids from school and taking them to Becky's restaurant."

"Oh, what's the occasion?"

"I'm going to tell them you're coming to dinner tomorrow night."

"Well, at least you didn't wait till the last minute."

"It's not quite as bad as it sounds. I told Harris about you and that it's pretty serious." I don't mention that it was a long month ago and I couldn't then say if I was in love with Ben.

"And your son?"

"Mark is eleven and he's not really used to me having a man in my life, David included."

"So first you need to tell him I exist."

"Um, yeah."

"What's he like? I picture Harris as a teenage you."

"Sort of."

"But I don't have a clear image of Mark."

I think of David asking last spring what Mark is like, because he'd hardly seen him over the years. "He's smart and sensitive and upbeat."

"Upbeat?"

"It skips a generation. Or three." You'd probably have to go all the way back to Nana Mary to find someone as optimistic as Mark, or Little Mary.

He chuckles. "Eleven, huh? I remember that's when I discovered girls. How are you coping with that?"

I take a deep breath. I knew I was going to have to get into this at some point, and I'd better say something before tomorrow night. "Mark is gender-nonconforming."

"Meaning?"

"Well, it's a term covering—"

He waves his hand impatiently. "I know what it means generally. What does it mean for Mark?"

"Well, he definitely identifies as a boy, but so far his crushes have been male. Mostly though, it's that he likes to wear skirts and bright colors."

"That skips a generation, too, huh?"

I laugh. "Yeah. Anyway, he doesn't worry about whether something is 'for boys' or 'for girls.' Like, he loves soccer. And I support his choices."

Ben nods. "Got it. And you wanted to make sure that the macho Texan didn't barge in and say something crass."

"God, no, of course not! I know you're an intelligent, modern man. It's just, I didn't want you to be, I don't know, startled?"

"Darlin', your sister is a lunatic and I didn't let that throw me."

I laugh. "Wait till you meet my aunt."

...

I'm also meeting my aunt, and Becky, to discuss the baby shower, even though Becky is only in her fifth month and barely showing. That's why I'm taking the kids to La Casa Bonita, so I can get a lot of family stuff done on my lunch hour. However, the kids are lost in their phones. I let the minutes tick by at first, eating my food and trying to think what to say.

Finally, I make them set down their phones and say, "I've got to tell you something. I've invited someone over for dinner tomorrow night."

"Oh, is it your boss?" Mark asks. I can't tell if he knows Ben is also my boyfriend.

"Finally, you're bringing home someone you've slept with," Harris says.

"I wouldn't talk, Harris. You dated three or four boys last semester and I still haven't met any of them."

"Yeah, but I didn't have sex with all of them."

"Just Josh, right?" Mark asks.

I stare at him because he knows the name of his sister's deflowerer and I don't.

Harris glares at him. "Shut up before I break your phone!"

"We'll discuss 'Josh' later," I say. "And for the record, I am proud to say that, besides Ben, I haven't slept with anyone except your dad and one other man." And it's not like they ever needed to meet Jimmy, who was way before their time.

"What about Neil?" Harris asks.

"Oh, and one more, yeah. Um, wait, how did you know I slept with Neil?"

"He's called a couple times on the landline."

"And he told you he had sex with me? That's really inappropriate."

"No, it was the way he was crying about how you broke up with him. I figured he must've got some if he was that upset about losing you."

"You didn't say that to him, did you?"

"No, I just told him you were nothing special and he should move on."

"Oh. Hurtful, but helpful. Anyway, I just want you guys to be cool about tomorrow night."

Mark tears up. "Ben will never be my daddy. Never!" He runs out of the room.

I sit here too stunned to run after him.

Harris asks, "Is all the sex worth this?"

I feel like the world's worst mother.

Then Mark runs back into the room, laughing. "Psych!"

"Ha! Nice," Harris says and high-fives him.

I wonder if they planned that or if it was improvised. I tell them there's only enough money for one of them to go to college and they can fight it out. Then I go over to Becky and Jackie's table to plan the shower.

But we don't get too far before Blue comes in. It turns out that not only did Becky invite her, but she's offered to have her women's blessing-way group perform a ceremony to pamper Becky. Of course Becky loves that, but not as much as the promise of more gifts with receipts.

I have Emilio box up my leftovers since Becky is occupied. He seems to be a nice guy, but Becky acts like he's just a co-worker, admittedly one with determined sperm.

I drive the kids back to their schools and then return to work. Lunch didn't go how I imagined and maybe dinner won't either, but I need to go through these steps.

...

"I'll walk you out to your car," I say grabbing my coat.

"Thanks." Ben turns to my dad. "Good to meet you, Sir."

"You, too."

I half expect them to shake hands, like they did when Ben arrived an hour ago.

"Harris, stay away from strange harmonicas."

She snorts.

"Mark, I'll see you Monday afternoon."

"Thanks, Ben."

After Dad told Ben to call him Dan, Ben told the kids that they could call him by his first name. Yes, it's a good thing I'm not doing that awful thing where the single mom wants the kids to call her boyfriends Uncle. Uncle Ben. As for the Sir thing, I can tell Dad likes the respect.

After I shut the front door behind us, Ben says, "It's very chivalrous of you to escort me."

I could tell him I want a little time alone with him outside of work, but that sounds silly when I'll see him again tomorrow night.

"Well, it's a pretty rough neighborhood."

"I hope my car's OK."

It is of course, and we sit inside since it's winter.

He takes my ungloved hand in his bigger, warmer one and says, "I enjoyed meeting your family tonight."

"Even my aunt?"

Jackie ate with us, although she left before Ben did because she had plans with Peter. We didn't invite her, she just showed up. She was pleased to meet Ben and, on her way out, she gave thumbs up behind his back. But first she had to tell an embarrassing story about being used by the Lanford PD as "bait."

"Well, I can see who Becky takes after."

I laugh. It's more true than he knows, down to the midlife pregnancy from a one-night stand.

"But I like your family."

"I think they like you, too." I'll talk to the four of them individually later.

"Good. I want to talk to you about Mark's piano lessons."

I wonder if he saw through me, saw that this will be a test of his parenting skills. Not that we'll necessarily get married. After all, my divorce won't be official until April, and this is still January. But things have moved so fast for us, and marriage is a possibility. In any case, he's now in the kids' lives, just like Blue is, and I need to find out how good he is with them. Tonight was easy. He just had to be his usual charmingly down-to-earth self. 

"Yeah, about that."

"They're not exactly going to be free."

"Oh, do you wanna hop in the backseat or should we wait for tomorrow night?"

"I was thinking of waiting till Valentine's Day."

"Whatcha got in mind, Cowboy?"

"I want to buy you lingerie."

"OK."

"Really?" His eyebrows go up.

"Sure, especially if you give me the receipt so I can get a refund." 

He does the amused Ben-head-shake. "No, no, no. I want you to wear it for me."

"Uh, what color?"

"Black of course."

I sigh. "But only if it turns you on so much that we end up skipping work that Friday and just have a long weekend in bed."

"I think I can promise that."

"It's a deal."

"Great. So I'm thinking piano lessons every weekday after school until Mark makes the orchestra."

"What about the magazine?"

"You can hold down the fort for a couple hours a day, right?"

"Wow, that's a lot of responsibility."

"I think you're up to it."

"What if the other employees resent my sleeping my way to the top?"

"They can complain to HR. Or I can sleep with them."

"That's very generous of you."

"I try to be a fair and equal employer. As well as of course a visionary."

I blush a little. I know I gushed about Ben at dinner, but I wanted my family to see that there's something weirdly noble about the tabloid he publishes. "So, uh, you trust me with your magazine?"

"Well, you trust me with your son. Besides, you can't do too much damage, right?"

"Yeah. And I promise my anti-death-penalty editorials will be really popular online."

"Just be sure you give them clickbait titles to drive up our revenue stream."

"You got it."

We kiss in his car awhile, in the front seat, and then we say goodnight and I get out and go to the garage to find out what Dad thinks of Ben.


	20. Coffee

I come home early on Thursday. Mark has soccer practice today and I want to drive him over so he doesn't have to walk. Plus I want to get a glimpse of how Ben and Mark interact. I come in through the laundry room and quietly shut the door so they can't hear me in the living room. But I don't hear them. Instead I hear my daughter on the kitchen phone.

"Look, you seem like a nice guy, but she's never coming back. She's got a new boyfriend and she's too blinded by sex to think clearly."

I run into the kitchen. "My God, Harris, is that Neil?"

She holds the receiver out. "Yeah, do you want to talk to him?"

"Uh, where's Ben?"

"Oh, Mark's friend Enrique's mom picked him up a little early and Ben left. Do you want me to tell Neil you can't come to the phone?"

She doesn't know enough to cover the receiver. Or maybe she just doesn't care, any more than she cares that Neil should not hear about my sex life. At least Ben and Mark aren't around to hear her.

I hold my hand out for the phone and she gives it to me. I gesture for her to leave the room but she only goes as far as the living room. She turns on the TV, so hopefully she can't hear me now.

I put the phone to my face. "Neil?"

"Wow, I thought I'd never get a chance to talk to you again!" At least he's not crying.

"So what's up?"

"Can I talk to you in person?"

"Oh, I don't know."

"Please, Darlene."

I hesitate and then say, "OK." I feel like I owe him that.

"Great! How about dinner at La Casa Bonita tonight? My treat."

I definitely do not want to see him at the place where we first met, and the place where I started to realize I needed to break up with him. Not to mention it's only a ten-minute walk from his apartment. Not that I expect to fall into bed with him, but I don't want him to get his hopes up. More importantly, I don't want Becky to be around during this conversation.

"Do you know where Roastips is?" OK, it's where I had that awkward conversation with Blue, but they do serve the best coffee in town.

"I think so."

"I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Great! I'll see you there."

"Great," I mutter as I hang up the phone.

It's a five-minute drive but I know I'm going to have to talk to Harris before I go. OK, yes, I could sneak out the way I came in, but I'd only have to face her later.

I head into the living room and she mutes the TV. "Going somewhere, Mother?"

I sigh. "I'm having coffee with Neil. It's the only way to get him to stop calling the house."

"Hey, I tried."

"Valiantly, yes, thank you."

"I know I'm not as experienced with men as you are."

"Yet."

"But isn't having coffee going to just encourage him?"

"Not if I tell him how happy I am with Ben."

"Like I said, I tried."

"I think he needs to hear it from me. And not just about the sex."

"What if he doesn't take it well and chops your body into tiny pieces?"

"With what? A coffee stirrer?"

"What if you go to his apartment for pity sex? Then he'll have access to lots of weapons."

"Your concern is touching, if disturbing. I think Neil is not a dangerous stalker, or killer. But, I promise to call you if I think I won't make it home for dinner."

She shrugs. "OK, I guess that's reasonable. And if you don't call by dinner, I'm calling 911."

"That's my little watchdog."

"Did you just call me a bitch?"

I smile and head for the front door. "You are my daughter."

As I drive to Roastips, I think about what would've happened if I hadn't met Ben. Maybe Harris would've told me the first or at least second time Neil called the house. I don't think I would've gotten back together with Neil even if I were single, but this would definitely feel different. I do feel guilty about how I broke up with him, although it was of course the right thing to do. We only went out a month, but I fell for Ben in a lot less than a month. I should at least respect Neil's feelings. And, OK, this is terrible, but maybe I'm flattered that Neil is still interested.

Neil is already sitting at a table when I get there. I wave, order, and take the chair across from him.

"Hey, you should've let me treat you."

"You don't owe me anything."

"What, are you kidding? I was so happy with you!"

"Then why do you look like you're about to cry?"

"I'm sorry. Give me a moment."

"Sure." I feel like I should pat his hand or something, but I don't want him to think I'm flirting.

He blinks, coughs, and then nods. "It's just, well, I know we had problems, but I promise to try harder."

"Neil, no. Don't do this to yourself. You did nothing wrong. I probably shouldn't have gone out with you in the first place but I, well, you were cute and I didn't think it would be a big deal. Plus, I was in a vulnerable space at the time because my ex had finally asked for a divorce. Not that that excuses what I did."

"Darlene, don't blame yourself. I pursued you and I should've paid attention to how vulnerable you were."

I shake my head. "Look, Neil, you're a great guy and I enjoyed my time with you but, well, I'm in a serious relationship now, and even if I weren't, I don't think you and I would've worked in the long run."

"How do you know? You never really gave me a chance."

"I know because you're too much like my ex, and he and I had this can't-live-with-can't-live-without thing that dragged on for years. Be glad I spared you that."

"You would've been worth it," he says softly.

"God, Neil! You are way too sweet for me."

"Should I be meaner?"

"No, I don't want you to change. I was trying to change you when we were together, and that's wrong."

"But couples should learn from each other and grow."

"It has to be both sides. Look, I don't usually do this but—"

"Are you going to offer me pity sex?" I can't tell if he's insulted or intrigued, maybe both.

"No, at least not directly. Not that I can guarantee you sex. That's up to her."

"Who?"

I take a deep breath. "I want to fix you up with my sister."

"The pregnant, alcoholic waitress?"

"Ah, you've been to her restaurant recently."

He nods. "I keep hoping I'll run into you. Plus, it is close to my apartment."

"Right. Um, does it help that she's in recovery and she's not involved with the baby's father?"

"Not exactly. I mean, I'm glad she's giving up drinking, especially if she's going to be a mom. But the busboy still seems interested in her. And, in any case, I feel weird about you pimping your sister."

"Matchmaking!"

We both chuckle and then shake our heads.

"I'm sorry. It's just she deserves a good man in her life, and you're good with kids, so I don't know. This is why I don't make a habit of this."

"I'll take that as a compliment. And, hell, if in a few years she and I are both single and she brings her kid to my daycare and we hit it off, well, there's probably a regulation against that, but when her baby's in kindergarten, I'll ask her out."

"Twenty twenty-four. Sounds like a plan."

The barista brings our drinks over, so we toast. But then I look at the clock on the wall and say, "I've got to go home and make dinner. Are we cool now?"

"Cooler, yeah. I'll stop calling your house."

"What was that about? Why didn't you text me or something?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't reply."

"I would've. Unless it was a dick pic."

He laughs and blushes. "Good to know. Anyway, I won't contact you at all, until your niece or nephew shows up in my preschool."

"OK. And if we do run into each other at Becky's restaurant, we'll deal with the awkwardness."

"All right. Just promise me you won't be all kissy-face with your new boyfriend in front of me."

"We're very discreet in public."

"Good. Um."

"I should go."

"Can I have an awkward hug?"

"I owe you that."

We both stand up and the hug is nice but, yeah, awkward. Then I take my undrunk coffee home, glad to get some kind of closure in my life for once.


	21. Blessing

"Have fun at the shower," Ben says the next afternoon as he's about to leave for another piano lesson.

I haven't told him about coffee with Neil yet. I mean, it's not like I was cheating or that Ben will be jealous. It's more to do with the fact that I can't talk honestly and openly with him about the stepdad test, at least not yet. I have asked him and Mark how the lessons are going, but they just say, "Fine," and don't go into detail. I think I'll come home earlier next Thursday, so I can catch part of a lesson. Then I'll talk to Mark on the way to soccer, find out what he really thinks about Ben.

And then I'll confess to Ben about the test. I think he'll understand, especially considering I didn't really get a say in Blue as a co-parent.

"Thank you." We have discussed how unlikely this is to be fun, but I'm obligated to go. I told Harris she has to go, too, but she can wear earphones all night if she wants. As an adult and Becky's only sister, I'll have to actually pay attention.

After Ben and I kiss goodbye, I work for a couple hours and then I go home and pick up Harris. David has promised to pick up Mark from soccer practice, since it's David's weekend. They're going to have dinner together and hang out just the two of them, until I bring Harris over from the shower.

When we get to La Casa Bonita, Blue is there and helping her blessing-way group set up. Jackie is also there, looking disgruntled that she got pushed aside as a party planner.

Geena waves me over. I go and sit next to her on the bench. Harris takes a seat at the bar, but I know I can trust Louise not to serve her anything alcoholic.

Even though she's been here longer, Geena asks me, "Is this some kind of Wiccan thing?"

"Are you asking so you have an excuse to go home?"

"Hell no. I'm just going to sit back and watch the crazy show."

"Like every day since you married D.J."

She frowns, and for once I regret my snark. A few weeks ago, she told me that D.J. has been seeing a therapist at the VA for two years. I had no idea. He probably thought I'd make fun of him. The thing is, D.J. was a weird little kid. But he went through things in the service that I can only imagine. Geena did, too, but she's stronger than he is. That's always been his type.

But she's not even thinking about that, because she says, "I haven't seen him every day."

They were separated by war, because they weren't always stationed together when they were both on active duty, and he came home first. I used to envy them, crazy as that sounds. They really wanted to be together but couldn't because of circumstances beyond their control. David and I were apart because he didn't want to be with me. Well, he did but he couldn't handle it.

"You were too much woman for him," Ben said when we were lying in bed last weekend.

"Sexually?" I couldn't tell how much he was serious and how much teasing, so my tone tried to match that.

"Probably. I know you wear me out sometimes." His left hand lazily moved down my spine to cup my left buttock.

I nestled into his left shoulder more and played with his chest hair as I said, "You didn't mean sexually."

"Not only. You're very intense, underneath your quiet surface." His other hand grazed the knee across his stomach.

I waited until the shivers died down before I whispered, "So are you."

"Yeah, but there's not really such a thing as too much of a man. At least not where I come from."

Not for the first time, I wondered what my mom would've thought of him. Would she be glad I found someone as strong as I am, like she did with Dad? Or would she worry that he's too strong, too bossy?

"The thing about David is, he did get his way more than people realized. His weakness was a strength."

He sighed and said, "Betas," like I imagine a man would say "women" or "chicks" to another man.

"Betas be crazy."

He chuckled and then kissed me.

"I feel so sorry for her."

Geena's words pull me back to the present. She's looking at Becky, who's sitting on a wicker "throne" and being crowned with flowers.

"There are worse things than being spoiled by every female Wiccan in Lanford."

"I mean because she doesn't want the baby's father in her life."

"Well, they both still work here."

"That's not the same as third-trimester backrubs and middle-of-the-night diaper changes."

David gave me backrubs and more the first time I was pregnant. The few diaper changes were by the nurses in the hospital. The second time though, with Harris, yeah, he was there for me. With Mark, not really.

Blue comes over and hands us our "flower circlets." Mine looks like parsley and weeds, but she says it represents "the beauty of the baby crowning during birth." I nod my thanks and she goes to get the incense.

After a couple minutes, Jackie sits next to me and starts venting about how this isn't "a real baby shower." Then she gets up and demonstrates Tinkle in the Pot, which isn't as gross as it sounds.

Blue suggests, "Or we could empower Becky by sharing beautiful birth experiences. Darlene?"

"Oh." Why is she putting me on the spot like this? Why isn't she asking Geena, or Jackie? Or one of her blessing-way friends. I'm not going to talk about my baby who died. It was hard enough telling Ben. "Sure. Um, well, they knocked me out, and I woke up with a kid and a 12-inch scar. And then, the crazy thing is, five years later I did it again."

"You're lucky, Darlene," she says sincerely. "Some women never get to experience the gift of having a child, because they have partners who already have kids and refuse to consider having more." She starts crying and goes over to the bar.

I know I need to talk to her, even though I don't want to. I hesitate and then join her at the bar, taking the spot next to Harris, who still has her headphones on. I really hope she can't hear this.

"You okay?"

"David doesn't want to have any more children," she says, in case I thought she was just generally upset about women involved with men who already have all the children they want. She continues, "And I'm pretty sure it's because he thinks you'll be mad if he raises another family with me. Can you just tell him you're okay with it?"

I can't believe I'm hearing this. "Wait, you want me to tell David to have another set of kids that'll take more attention away from my kids?"

"That would be great, thank you."

I've suspected before that she can't perceive sarcasm, but can she really be this dense? Shouldn't a massage therapist, to say nothing of a dominatrix, be better at reading people? 

I say, "You know there's no way I'm gonna do that."

Instead of replying to that, she says, "I took the bus here. Can you give me a ride home?"

She is truly un-fucking-believable. "Uh, buses don't go both ways?"

I give in, on the ride, not on David becoming a father again. If we're going to continue this crazy conversation, I'd rather it not be in front of everyone. I leave the shower without explaining to Becky, whose turn it is to tinkle in the pot. I do feel guilty that I'm not saying anything to Harris, but she's still listening to music and texting. I know that Jackie or someone can take her to David's later.

I wait until we're on the road before I ask, "What happened to you waiting until David works through his issues before you have a kid with him?"

Blue doesn't seem surprised that I know. She should've seen that Becky generally isn't good at keeping secrets. Maybe she even intended to have Becky pass that along. She might've wanted to get me used to the idea, especially if she expects me to talk to David about it.

"He still hasn't decided on a therapist. I'm starting to think it's not so much he's indecisive as he's passively aggressively stubborn."

I snort. "Then he probably doesn't want to be cured. And he probably doesn't want more kids and is just blaming it on me."

She shakes her head. "He really values your opinion, Darlene. Especially since you two got together so young."

I'm not sure what to say to that. I mean, I guess it's sort of true, but if he values my opinion, why did he leave me, again and again? Or was he just afraid of disappointing me? Maybe it was easier to be judged as a deadbeat dad than to stick around and fail in person.

"Can you at least tell him that you think he's a better father than he used to be?"

I suddenly remember a teenage boy doting on my baby cousin in a cute little hat, at a time when I thought babies were gross and pointless. OK, babies are gross sometimes, but mine were never pointless. The first time I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I could accomplish anything. And I never completely lost that feeling.

Not that David has magic sperm and he needs to enrich Blue's life by getting her pregnant. But I maybe feel a little selfish about not giving them my blessing.

Besides, if David is using me as an excuse, it would serve him right if I at least didn't outright forbid it.

I don't go in when I drop her off. I don't want to have to explain things, including why I'm dropping off Blue but not Harris. I do promise Blue I'll talk to David about him being a father, but that's all. I don't say when I'll talk to him. I have enough to deal with right now without this complication.


	22. Banana

"You're so quiet this weekend," Ben observes when we're lying in bed Sunday morning.

"I thought I was particularly vocal just now."

"I mean conversation."

" 'Fuck me, Cowboy, God, oh God' doesn't count?"

Ben never blushes but he looks like he might for once. "I don't know, you're different."

"In a bad way?"

"I miss you. I want the Darlene I argue and banter with. The one who tells me crazy stories about her life."

"You fucked the other Darlene, the one who sucked you yesterday."

His cheeks turn a little pink just above his beard.

We'd agreed to get together Saturday evening. I didn't know how late the baby shower would go and I wanted to sleep in. Ben wanted to cook all day, since it had been awhile. So even though we've been seeing a bit less of each other at work, because of the piano lessons, we were going to start our weekend sort of in the middle.

When I drove away from David's Friday night, I got a text that said, **Where are you, Mom?**

I pulled over to the side of the road and replied, **Sorry, Blue wasn't feeling well, so I took her home.**

**Oh, you should've told me so I could've gone, too.**

I didn't want to tell her I needed to talk privately to Blue about the possibility of Harris having half-siblings, so I wrote **I didn't want to tear you away from the fun and excitement of the baby shower.**

**You did miss some drama.**

**With Jackie?** I pictured her arguing with the blessing-way group as soon as Blue was gone.

**Yeah, she invited Emilio to the shower.**

**Oh. What did Becky do?**

**Thanked him for the gift, sent him away, and then told Jackie to butt out. What's her problem?**

**I think it has to do with how Granny Rose kept pushing Uncle Fred when Jackie was pregnant.**

**I'm not talking about ancient history. Why won't Becky give Emilio a chance? He's sweet and hot. If he got me pregnant, I'd go out with him.**

**Good to know. Can you ask Jackie to give you a ride to your dad's?**

**Why? Date with Ben?**

It was tempting, even though Ben wasn't expecting me. It wasn't like he'd turn me away. But I knew if I saw him that night, everything would come spilling out: Neil, the stepdad test, Blue's ticking biological clock, Becky's pregnancy, David as a dad and as an ex, and even some unresolved stuff about my mom that I haven't wanted to go into.

**No, I just don't want to drive back and forth.**

**You're such a devoted mother. I'll ask.**

**Thanks.**

After a pause, she texted, **Aunt Jackie's had enough of this shower, too, and she says it's fine as long as she can just drop me off and not talk to Blue.**

**Cool.**

I drove home but it took me a long time to fall asleep, with all I had on my mind. I did sleep in late, but then I did laundry.

I talked to Dad a little. It turned out he and D.J. showed up at the shower right after Blue and I left. He hadn't made the connection before that the busboy is the one who got Becky pregnant.

"What difference does it make?" I asked. "She wants to raise the baby alone." I'll help of course, but I meant without a man in her life.

"It's not that simple, Darlene. I need to talk to this guy, man to man."

"Don't forget your shotgun."

"Thanks. Speaking of my potential sons-in-law, how's Ben doing on your test?"

"Fine I guess. Neither of them says much about it. Does that mean anything?"

He took a sip of beer before answering, "In Ben's case, probably not. With Mark, well, he usually gushes, you know?"

I knew what he meant and that he thinks it's girly, although I rarely gushed when I was a girl.

Dad set down the beer can. "But if he wasn't enjoying the lessons, I'm sure he'd tell you."

I nodded and went to get the clothes out of the dryer. By the time I'd sorted and folded them, I knew I was going to go over to Ben's early, but not to talk.

Ben looked surprised but pleased when I showed up on his doorstep that afternoon. "You're early! Is everything OK?"

"I just missed you."

He grinned and then kissed me. "I missed you, too." He glanced over at the kitchen. "I need to turn down the heat."

Before I could come up with a suggestive reply, he went back to the stove to put the burners on low. "So how was the baby shower?"

"Fun," I said as I took off one of my shoes.

"Yeah? Any strippers?"

I took off my other shoe, but instead of saying anything, I started unbuttoning my blouse.

Ben's eyebrows went up. "Uh, I meant male strippers, although if it was you, I wish I'd crashed it."

"I don't strip for strangers," I said, hanging up my coat as I realized that I wasn't doing this in the right order, not that Ben was complaining.

He looked amused, intrigued, and turned on. "You still barely know me."

"Then I'll only strip halfway." I finished unbuttoning my blouse and hung it up over my coat. I undressed matter-of-factly, if a little awkwardly. Ben continued to watch in amused fascination. I unhooked my bra and hung it up, too. Then I strolled into the kitchen and asked, "What are we having?"

"I was just about to ask you that," he said, stroking my cheek and neck.

"Can, can this all be refrigerated and reheated?" I asked as his hand moved down to my shoulder.

His other hand turned off the burners as he stroked down to my chest. "Is this going to take a few hours?"

"It might."

He rubbed one of my hard nipples with the palm of his hand. "The food will keep." His other hand cupped my other breast, teasing that nipple with his fingertips.

"I'll go in the bedroom while you put it away." I strolled back to the front door, where I'd dropped my overnight bag.

"OK," he said huskily, and I knew he was ogling me from behind.

I let him get a good look at my ass in jeans as I picked up my bag, then I straightened up and said, "See you in the bedroom."

"See ya." I could feel his eyes following me out of the room. Then I heard him bustling in the kitchen as he saved the half-cooked food for another day.

In the bedroom, I took off my socks, jeans, panties, and winter hat. I put them in the dresser drawer that has become mine. Then I reached into my bag for something I bought on the way over. I hesitated and then opened it, and put a piece under my pillow.

He came in a few minutes later, both his shirts off, his shoulders broad and lightly freckled, even in the winter. "Oh, you're not half dressed anymore."

"You need to catch up."

"Give me a minute." He stripped off his socks, jeans, and briefs. He put them in his laundry basket and then got into bed, snuggling up to me.

"Ben," I breathed.

"What do you want, Baby?"

"You," I murmured, putting my hand on his hard cock.

"You got me." He kissed me. "You want some foreplay?"

I shook my head, let go, and reached under the pillow.

His eyebrows went up again as he saw what was in my hand. Then he chuckled and said, "Banana?"

"How do you know it's not lemon?"

"Wrong shade of yellow." As I tore off the wrapper, he asked, "Are you sure about this?"

I gently pushed his shoulder. He grinned and lay on his back, both of us still on top of the covers. I knew he would be watching this with his intense eyes, which was what I wanted, whatever self-consciousness I felt.

I knelt next to him and rolled the condom down onto him. I didn't suck him right away. First I kissed his stomach and his thighs. He seemed to enjoy the teasing, judging from his gasps and sighs. Then I nuzzled his crotch and he groaned.

"Honey, God!"

"Patience, Cowboy," I whispered, the last thing I said for awhile.

I held his cock in one hand, while my other stroked his dark blond pubes. Then I licked the head and he moaned.

"Taste OK?" he asked.

I nodded, then turned it into a head-bob, which made him groan again. The condom tasted weird but not bad. I mean, it was banana-flavored rubber. I tried to imagine the taste of Ben's skin instead. That excited me and kept me going. Someday. Well, it's been almost three months since Neil, so I could get a reliable AIDS test later this month. But for now, I don't mind flavored condoms.

As for Ben, obviously he would prefer direct contact with my lips and tongue, but he seemed thrilled that I was doing this. "So sexy, Sweetheart!" he moaned when I licked along the sides.

I watched as his eyes seemed both focused and unfocused, that is, riveted but glazing over, as I continued. His hands caressed my hollowed cheeks and my messy hair, which I hadn't combed after taking off my hat.

"You wanna fuck after this?"

I shook my head and he groaned, not just because I was sucking the tip by then.

"You want me to come in your mouth? I mean, inside the condom in your mouth."

I nodded.

"Jesus!"

I did gag as I took more of him in. He's thicker than David and I'm out of practice. But I'd take little breaks and just lick for awhile, or kiss his balls, which drove him crazy.

I'm sure he's had better blowjobs. Not that you have to be a beta to be good at oral sex. (He and David are equally good.). I think it's that it was me doing it, and we love each other. Plus the surprise factor, that Ben wasn't expecting a hummer that afternoon, or even a kiss.

It lasted a long time. He lasted a long time. I lasted a long time. I knew that at any point I could've mounted him, changed from oral to vaginal. But I didn't want to. It wasn't just that we probably would've had to change condoms to be truly safe. It was that I wanted to give Ben this, pleasure centered on him. It wasn't as if he'd never given that to me, or never would again. And I love him, and I loved that I could bring him so much joy.

Eventually, he stroked my chin and said, "Is your sweet mouth getting tired?"

I nodded.

He half moaned, half chuckled. "It's OK to talk, you know."

I slid him out of my mouth, only to ask, "Do you wanna come in my mouth, Ben?"

He groaned, then tried to sound calm as he said, "I don't want to make you gag more."

"It's fine," I said and then swallowed the head again.

Ben, who'd been as passive as David, thrust forward, but I was ready for him. As he plunged deeper into my mouth and then pulled back, only to plunge again, I thought of him thrusting into my cunt, how good that feels, and not just physically. I sucked and licked and even sort of kissed his cock as it filled my mouth.

"Fuck, I love you!"

I couldn't say it back, but I'm sure he knew. I desperately wanted to taste his skin, to drink his cum, but not yet.

I watched his eyes roll back when he came, his face so different from usual that far away. I felt like I barely knew him, and like I knew him in ways no one else does, not just sexually.

He caressed my face afterwards and said, "Come up here so I can taste the rubbery banana of your lips."

I managed not to laugh until he was safely out of my mouth.

We did fuck later, after a dinner that was less elaborate than the one he originally planned, and again this morning, when his erection woke us both up. Both times, he went down on me for foreplay, and I wondered but didn't ask if he saw me differently than during vag. I still wasn't talking much.

After he says he misses our conversations, I tell him about the time Becky and I found a box of our decapitated old dolls in a shoebox under D.J.'s bed. It's not exactly pillow talk, but it makes Ben laugh, and then he tells me a story about his kid brothers and a BB gun at a BBQ.

I get through our date without bringing up the stepdad test, but I promise myself I will before our next date.


	23. Test Results

I'm really confused about Ben, but not like before.

I left work soon after Ben, since it's Thursday. I gave him enough time to drive to my house and set up his portable keyboard. He never did play it for me. Every time I've gone over since I found out he's musical, we've distracted each other. Now I wonder if I'll ever hear him play.

When I got home, again coming in quietly through the back way, Mark was practicing his scales. I'm not musical as Dad, if not as tone deaf as Mom. 

(It's been almost thirty years, but Becky and I still haven't gotten over our adolescent embarrassment over the time Mom belted out a very offkey rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a Cubs game. D.J. was eight and he and Mom still had their mutual admiration society, so he was grinning in pride and amusement as the people in our part of the stands stared at her. As for Dad, he shrugged, leaned down, and said, "At least she's not grabbing her crotch and spitting.")

Anyway, I thought Mark sounded OK, not great but not bad for a kid.

But Ben scolded him. I honestly hadn't had a clear image in my head of what kind of teacher Ben would be. Maybe a little sarcastic but mostly patient and kind. But, as I listened silently from the kitchen doorway, Ben berated Mark for not practicing. OK, he had a point about Mark not taking this seriously and working hard. And I suppose it must've been frustrating for Ben to see no progress after two weeks. But Mark is a sensitive 11-year-old. He doesn't respond well to negativity, or so I thought.

Enrique's mom showed up even earlier than last week. Mark offered to skip soccer practice, but Ben said it was a waste of time for both of them. I tried to talk to Mark before he left, especially since he looked like he was starting to cry. But he went without discussing it. Maybe he didn't want to say anything in front of Ben.

I yelled at Ben, who called me a helicopter parent. I felt like he totally doesn't understand Mark and how to motivate him. I ended up firing him, as a piano teacher. I went upstairs to avoid talking to him anymore, although I half expected him to follow. But the thing about our fights, and we really don't have as many as I expected, not serious ones, is I leave and then Ben waits before trying to talk it out. So he'll probably want to discuss it tomorrow at work, but for the moment neither of us is calling or texting.

I felt like I wanted to break up with him and/or quit the magazine, but I also didn't want to do either. That is, I didn't know if I should keep seeing him, personally or professionally, but I did know I would miss him terribly if I didn't see him. And not just him, but that crazy little tabloid.

It's just hard sometimes. We're too different. We're too alike. And now he's met my family, well, some of them, so it's now not just us as a couple, lost in each other.

When David and I broke up for good, what is it now, seven or eight months? I told him that if it was just the two of us, we could spend our lives breaking up and making up. But I couldn't do that to the kids. 

With Ben, well, he's not their father. He has no connection to them except through me. Maybe it was a mistake to have him spend time with Mark on their own, at least in that situation. Like, they could've hung out and done something fun together instead.

Or maybe it's better to know that Ben couldn't pass the stepdad test. I can revise my hopes and expectations. If he and I continue to date, I'll tell the kids that we won't get married. He will not be Uncle Ben.

And maybe we won't continue to date. Maybe this was also a test of our relationship, and this is the final straw. Maybe two alphas can't have a relationship, at least not if one of them is a mother, and the other is stubborn and uncompromising.

I wondered how much Mark was crying at soccer. I know I cried enough for both of us that afternoon. I thought about picking him up from practice, but I couldn't seem to pull myself together enough for that.

Finally, I made it to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I didn't think anyone could tell I'd been crying. I'd have to make dinner soon and have to face the kids, Dad, and whoever dropped by.

When I went back out into the hallway, I heard music. I don't mean someone was listening to music. My kids rarely make their tunes audible to others. Becky and I had headphones but we would blast our music, sometimes trying to outblast each other, like Marky Mark vs. Daisy Chainsaw, until Dad, it was usually Dad, would yell for us to turn it down. My children are more self contained. But I could now hear my son practicing the scales on his tablet.

I went in and I told him he doesn't have to take piano lessons anymore. I was sure he was practicing so Ben won't yell at him tomorrow.

He told me he wants to keep learning from Ben. He cried because he was mad at himself. He likes that Ben challenges him, holds him accountable. I like that, too, but I think of myself as tougher than my little boy.

In some ways. He wants me to rehire Ben. I know, I wasn't even paying Ben, not monetarily anyway. Valentine's Day is a week away and it's hard to picture wearing black lingerie for him, even if we make up. I still love him. Maybe this is just another bump in the road. I just hate feeling like I'm the one who failed the test.

I got through dinner without Dad or Harris seeming to notice anything, but she was on her phone half the time. Dad asked Mark about soccer practice and Mark gushed about it, and Enrique. Why is it I know more about my son's crushes than I do about the boys my daughter dates? Will he still be this open when he's sixteen?

Now I'm up in my room, debating whether to call or text Ben. I think we need to talk in person, and not just about the piano lessons. I could drive over there, but it can wait until tomorrow at work. I need more time to sort out my confusion, and not just about Ben.


	24. Offers

As I drive to work, I think about the morning after my first fight with Ben. I didn't want to talk about it at work, or at all. But he got it out of me. He holds me accountable.

And he wants to hold Mark accountable. That's one of the things we talk about, when he insists we talk. He thinks Mark is great, and not like Blue acting like she knew him after meeting him a couple times. He thinks Mark has a lot of potential, not just as a musician but as a person. Maybe Ben can bring out the best in Mark, like he has with me.

Not that this is easy. I'm not used to having a true co-parent. Blue is a joke and even David is still learning about responsibility. Ben took the test, which, yes, he saw through as quickly as my dad did, and he took it very seriously. He knew that my son is a sacred trust and he had to prove himself worthy, but not the way I imagined. He had to be himself, blunt and stubborn and, I hate to admit this, wise.

Not that I'm going to cave every time, any more than he caves in on every suggestion of mine about his magazine. But I'll listen and respect his opinion, even if he gloats when he's right, like he does this morning. I reserve the right to do the same to him, given the opportunity.

And then Ben surprises me by telling me that an investor has offered to have him relocate the magazine to Chicago! I guess I could do the commute, although it'd be stressful. Maybe I could stay over with Ben sometimes, like if the weather was bad or David had the kids.

Then he asks me to move in with him, me and the kids! We stand up and slowly move towards each other, as he says, "I know it's a lot. It's just that, even though we work together all day, it feels like I never have enough time with you."

I tell him I feel the same. We kiss, a soft, sweet kiss. I want to tell him yes, but this is all happening so fast, and it's not like it's just the two of us.

We separate and slowly head back to our desks, as I tell him I've got to talk to my family and my kids. He teases that at my age I don't have a lot of options. I know that that's payback for when I told Becky that Ben is a middle-aged man doing the best he can.

"Now, are you ready to move in?"

"I'm close. If you can just call me 'plain and sturdy,' I think that'll seal the deal."

He chuckles. "Plain-speaking sometimes. Sturdy? Well, you can support me."

I know he doesn't mean financially. "Physically or emotionally?"

"Well, obviously you can support my weight. And, yeah, if I had any problems, I'd probably come to you."

"You don't have any problems?"

He shrugs. "Nothing serious."

I shake my head. "Then you're the only person in my life who doesn't."

"Maybe that's why you love me."

I can't tell how much he's joking. And maybe in a weird way he's right. Not that I wouldn't want to help him, but it's nice to know someone who isn't so dependent on me. "Yeah, that's exactly it."

"I do need you though, not just physically."

"Yeah, obviously you wouldn't have got the offer from the investor if not for me."

He doesn't laugh. "They love the website. That's what drew them in."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. I mean, they want the print version, too, of course, just expanded to cover all of Illinois."

"Ben, this is huge!"

"Yeah."

"Wait a minute, how long were you sitting on this news?" The way he told it a few minutes ago, it didn't sound like he just got off the phone with them. And I wasn't that late to work.

"Since Monday."

"When were you planning to tell me?"

"When you admitted you were testing my parenting skills, or on our next date, whichever came first."

"Oh. Um, I have something to tell you. Not as big as that, but something I was holding back on."

"Yeah?" I expect him to tease me but he looks serious.

"I had coffee with Neil, just coffee."

"The transitional guy?"

"Yeah. Um, he's still interested in me but I told him he needs to move on." I decide to leave out my matchmaking offer, since Neil rejected it.

"Oh. And when was this?"

"Last Thursday."

"Ah, that explains the blowjob."

"That has nothing to do with it!"

"Hey, I'm not complaining. Does this mean you'll give me anal if your college boyfriend shows up?"

"You're disgusting!" I still laugh.

"So that's a no?"

I shake my head. "We are really going to have to tone things down when we move _Lock 'Em Up_ to Chicago."

He nods. "Yeah, it'll be weird having other employees. God, I'm gonna have to do a bunch of job interviews soon."

"Will I have to sit in on those?"

"The ones for the Internet Department, yeah."

It's weird that we're not joking, that this is actually happening. Even if I don't move to Chicago, I will be working on the magazine in Chicago, and I'll be Ben's assistant or whatever my title will be. "Hey, am I getting a raise?"

"Yeah, when we're in Chicago."

"Even if I can't move in with you?"

"Oh, if you move in with me, your salary will be lower because you'll be getting room and board."

"Don't forget the kids will be with me, so you probably shouldn't pay me at all."

"Good point. Plus I'm presumably still going to be giving Mark piano lessons, so he can make the orchestra at his new school."

"Um, don't say anything when you go over today, OK?"

"Not even about you rehiring me?"

"You can just say that I love him so much that I want him to be happy."

Ben winces. "I think I'll just say I believe in second chances."

"That works."

"So when are you telling him? And Harris?"

I sigh. "I think I'll wait until tomorrow. I need to talk to Becky and my dad first. I've made some promises to them and I don't want them to feel like I'm skipping out on them."

He nods. "They'll be OK. And your mom wouldn't expect you to give up your life for everyone."

Is that it? Is that how I've been feeling? I think of Mom urging me to go off to art school and not worry about failing, or about leaving David behind.

"So when do you want to get together again?"

"How about Sunday dinner? It'll give my family a chance to process this."

"OK. I'll make what I was making on Saturday, before you pleasantly interrupted me."

I blush and wish that we hadn't sworn off office sex. But I know that if I even neck with Ben right now, I'm not going to think clearly. I think moving in with him is what I want, but I haven't had time to sit quietly and reflect on it.

I don't really get a chance to do that until he leaves for the piano lesson, first giving me a huge, hot kiss, so it takes my brain awhile to simmer down. What would it be like to live with Ben? It won't be the same as dating him or sleeping over, especially with my kids around. We will definitely have to tone things down there, too.

What if we fight in front of the kids? Will that be more upsetting or less than when I fought with David? They're older now and Ben isn't their dad. Maybe if they see that Ben and I work through our differences and our relationship is strengthened by our disagreements, we can be good role models. Or maybe the kids will just be on their phones and tune us out.

What will it be like to live in Chicago again? There are definitely things I miss, but in a weird sort of way I'll miss Lanford. The thing is, every time I come back to Lanford, it feels like a defeat. To have an awesome job in the big city will feel different.

Will Dad, Becky, Jackie, and D.J. be OK without me? How long would Mom expect me to stay and help them? Yes, Chicago isn't the other side of the planet, but it won't be the same as living in Dad's house. Still, maybe it'd be healthier for all of us if I got some literal and figurative distance.

I go around and around on it, but I realize I won't know anything for sure until I talk to them. I leave work a little early, but Ben is gone by the time I get home. 

Geena is there and says, "The school called looking for Harris."

"Oh, great, did she ditch?"

She shrugs. "Not that they mentioned. But they wanted to let her know that they need a Word document of her article so the paper can print it."

"Wow, that's great news!" I almost tell her my great news, but it wouldn't feel right that she should be the first to know. I love Geena but we're not close, and I know she's still kind of weirded out about my dating Ben so seriously before the divorce is final. Living in sin with him would probably sound even worse.

"Yeah, she really takes after you and your mom."

Mom wrote poetry and crazy autobiographical fiction. Which is also what I write, I mean the stuff that isn't published. I wonder what Harris's article is about.

She won't tell me when I tell her about the school paper, after first making her think she's in trouble. She says it's called "My Mom Has No Life of Her Own, So She's Desperately Trying to Live Through Mine." I wish that were the case. I have no idea what's going on in her life, and not just because I have too much going on in mine. But it's a good comeback and Dad says, "Oh my God, it's the Ghost of Children Past!"

He and Emilio went shopping at the baby store that's closing at the mall. I guess Becky is letting Emilio be in her life, or at least their future child's life, more. That makes me feel better about leaving her, although not completely.

Becky comes over to do her laundry, as I'm finishing up mine. I tell her about Ben's offer and I try to guilt her about my promise to be here for her and the baby, because I feel guilty, but she doesn't fall for it. 

Finally, she says, "Of course you should go, you little whiner. But you still have to keep your promise. If I go into rehab, I'm FedExing the baby to you in Chicago."

"OK, just don't make it where I have to sign for it, 'cause sometimes I'm not there." Of course, I don't even know where "there" will be. I guess Ben and I will have to start looking at Chicago apartments soon. That is, if this is really happening, which I guess it is.

"Maybe I'll just let Emilio raise it then."

"Hey, what's going on with you two?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Well, I haven't slept with him. I mean not recently."

"Cool, but I meant things like him and Dad buying out Totally Tots."

"Well, Dad hired him on the condition that he turn over most of his salary to me and eventually the baby."

I set down the towel I was folding. "Wait, what?"

"I didn't ask Dad to. In fact, I was against it when I found out. But I think I have to trust Emilio a little, because he seems like a good guy."

"Wow, OK, but I meant about him working for Dad. How long has that been going on?" And how have I missed all this? I guess I've been so wrapped up in Ben, I've lost track of Becky's life.

"Dad asked him yesterday. He starts on Monday."

That makes me feel a little better, but I still wonder about something. "Becky, I don't know how to say this, but is Emilio here legally?"

She shrugs. "I've never asked. Um, I don't know a lot about him."

I think about how Dad feels about "illegals." It's not even racism. It's more that they're breaking the law. Would he break the law himself to help the father of his grandchild?

Before we can talk any more about it, Emilio comes into the laundry room and asks, "Becky, would you like to go to the baby store with me tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah, we can get a stroller."

His smile lights up his whole face. "Then it's a date. See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Darlene."

"Goodnight, Bro."

He smiles, waves, and leaves out the back door.

Becky glares at me. "Bro?!"

"It's good for him to learn colloquial English. Like 'It's a date.' "

She actually blushes a little. "You know he's still learning from Jackie. He gets things wrong sometimes."

"Does he?"

"God, Darlene, don't stand there smirking when just last week you wanted me to date your ex-boyfriend!"

Now I blush. "He told you?"

"Yeah, he came into the restaurant a few days ago and thought you told me. He said he thinks I'm nice and pretty but the timing is really bad."

"Oh. What did you say?"

"Well, first I asked him what the hell he was talking about, and then when he explained that you were pimping me as his rebound—"

"Oh God, he didn't say it like that, did he?"

"No, I had to translate it from his usual cutely awkward Neilisms."

"So you think he's cute?"

"Don't, just don't."

"Sorry. I, um, meant well, for both of you."

She shakes her head. "At least Jackie throwing Emilio at me makes sense. She's still got some unresolved issues about Fred and she's trying to work them out through me. But just leave poor Neil alone."

I shake my head. "Why is it everyone puts 'poor' in front of his name?"

"He dated you. Isn't that reason enough?"

"Hey, David survived marriage with me. And no one says 'poor David.' "

"Maybe Neil can find someone like Blue someday."

"I thought you liked Blue."

"I do, I just wish she wouldn't keep trying to change David."

I'm about to ask if Blue has talked to her recently about wanting a baby with David, when Jackie comes in with an enormous laundry bag.

"Oh, no, you are not dumping Grandma's body in our basement," I tease.

"Yeah, drive her to the edge of town like your other victims," Becky chimes in.

Jackie chuckles. "That's what Peter thought. But Bev is at the dog races in Dubuque."

"Good cover story, Jackson."

"Thanks, Darlene. Uh, Becky, do you mind if I cut ahead of you? I've got drapes and some of Peter's outfits from the Renaissance Winter Faire."

Becky sighs. "I'll go watch TV with Dad."

I know that if Jackie asks me what's new, it'll be hard not to blurt out about Ben's offers. Dad should be next, but I'll wait until I can get him alone tomorrow, probably out in the garage. I need more time to think about this on my own anyway.


	25. Crawl

I want to talk to Dad before my kids. If he has any serious objections to my going, I need to consider them. Dad is hard to read sometimes. The big emotions are easy, but not the subtler ones. I didn't make a direct promise to him like I did to Becky, but just by staying here, trying to help, before and after Mom died, I feel like I've made a commitment I'm breaking.

He's working today, as he sometimes does on Saturdays. I'll wait until he comes home.

The kids are in and out of the house all day, never home at the same time. I want to tell them together, even though I've talked to them about Ben separately. I mean, if they want to talk to me one-on-one later, fine. It does feel weird that the only other time I've told them anything about Ben together was a couple weeks ago when I said he was coming over for dinner. This has all happened so fast. And, yeah, I'm still technically married. By the time the divorce comes through, Ben, the kids, and I might be settled into an apartment in Chicago. Maybe we'll rent or even buy a house later on, if things work out. It's hard for me to believe that things are going right. After everything I've gone through, including losing Mom, why has my luck changed?

Not that this is all easy. Being in a relationship with Ben, being a mom, being a daughter, a sister, a niece, being pulled in a dozen directions, none of that is easy. My job is the only easy thing in my life, I mean the work itself, separate from Ben.

Dad loves his job. He's had other jobs over the years, although not as many as Mom had. But he always goes back to drywall. It's what he knows, who he is.

Dad hates his job. It's what he crawls back to when other jobs don't work out, like I crawl back to Lanford. There's still a part of him that wishes he was a musician on the road, like Louise was, like his other old friends Duke and Bonnie. But his main job is being the rock we all can lean on. 

When he comes home, he heads straight to the garage. I put on my coat and join him. He's trying to fix the snowblower. I act out a gopher being trapped in it, because I need to make Dad laugh before I tell him something serious. I tell him about Ben's offers. He gives me his blessing. He sounds sincere, but I know I'll still worry about him.

When I'm about to leave to get dinner started, he says, "I'm gonna need a break anyway before Becky moves in with the baby. You know that's coming."

I nod. Even though Becky is trying to be independent, she'll probably want to raise the baby in this big, empty house rather than her little apartment, even with Emilio's help. Laundry would be incentive enough.

I go back inside and start dinner. When we eat, the kids are on their phones and Dad can tell they don't know about Chicago yet. He's probably the only person in the family I can trust not to blurt things out.

He finishes dinner first and goes to his room. I wait a minute, put my half-uneaten food in the fridge, and say, "I need to talk to you."

Mark sets down his phone and says, "About what?", but Harris keeps texting.

I touch Mark's shoulder as I come back to the table and say, "OK, so, nothing is written in stone yet, but Ben asked us to move in with him in Chicago."

"What? That's crazy!" Mark's tone is a lot more positive than his words.

As for Harris, she gives me a quick hug and exclaims, "Oh, my God! I love you! I'm gonna go pack now!"

I tell her I haven't said yes yet, so she offers me her phone, until she thinks better of it.

Mark asks about their dad and grandpa. I say that we can visit them and they can visit us. I know it won't be the same as living in the same town, but I'll make sure we all keep in touch.

The doorbell rings and I ask Harris, who's texting again, "Did you call a moving company already?"

It's David. I assume he's here to see the kids, even though it's not his weekend and the weekend is half over. I ask if he's here to surprise them, but he says, "Probably, but I'm gonna surprise you first." Then he tells me he broke up with Blue! She wants kids and he can't give her that.

There's not much surprising in that. I've known for a couple months that she wants kids with him and she told me herself just last week. I also knew that he was blaming me for his not rushing to impregnate her. I'll admit I didn't necessarily expect them to break up. After all, they're "soulmates." And he has trouble standing up for himself. Plus, you know, David is a catch by Blue's standards: vegan, easy to manipulate, employed, artistic, sweet, and, OK, really cute in a scruffy way.

I can't resist saying, "Yeah, well, that's a good call on your part. Little Moonshine and Epiphany would have respiratory problems from all that sage."

David doesn't defend her, or joke back. He seriously says, "She wanted the whole works, um, marriage, everything. When you and I did it, I knew that I wanted it, but she's not you."

No, no, I don't want this! Yes, I'm glad he's not going to be with Blue, for his sake, and for the sake of our kids, but, no, not now! "Don't, don't do this. You know I'm in a relationship."

He says that he wants me to end things with Ben. I don't fucking believe this!

"D— David, do you think you can just come in here and I'm gonna drop everything? Are you high?"

"A little," he admits.

I sink onto the couch, clasp my hands, and shake my head.

He softly says, "Yes, I'm hoping you will." He sits next to me and says he did everything he promised, getting a steady job, being in the kids' lives. "There's no reason, no reason we should not be together." Like that's all that was keeping us apart besides Blue.

I laugh in disbelief. "I can think of one. Ben just asked me and the kids to move to Chicago with him."

"OK, tell him no."

"Wow." He can not be serious! Like it's so easy to just toss Ben aside when David comes crawling back?

"Are you really gonna bail on me to move in with some stranger?"

What a hypocrite! I say, "You mean like you did with Blue?"

"Hey, you said we were done. That's the only reason I moved in with her. And, by the way, I have a ridiculous tattoo now that's kind of your fault." God, can't he take responsibility for anything?

"It's too late, all right? Now, the kids are gonna be an hour away, and I'll just make sure that you can see them on a regular basis." I get to my feet and plan to go in the kitchen to tell the kids that their dad is here, assuming they haven't been eavesdropping on all this.

When my back is to him, David declares, "No, hey, I love you. And you said you would love me forever." I turn around, my fist to my mouth to keep from saying anything, or crying. He continues, "You're gonna change your mind about this. It's way better to do it now than two months after you've moved the kids to Chicago."

I drop my hand and just look at him, not knowing what to say.

Then Dad comes in from his bedroom, with his coat half on. He tells me, "Grab your coat. Jackie's in trouble."

I don't question it. I'm glad of an excuse to leave, to not talk about this anymore. As I go to the coat-hook, I tell David, "The kids are in the kitchen. Show them that you got a tattoo so they know it's not cool anymore." And then I grab my winter coat and follow Dad out into the next drama in my soap opera of a life.


	26. Breakdown

Dad turns on the car radio, like he knows I don't want to talk, or maybe he doesn't want to.

"I don't like you  
But I love you.  
Seems that I'm always  
Thinking of you.  
Oh, oh, oh,  
You treat me badly.  
I love you madly.  
You've really got a hold on me,  
You've really got a hold on me,  
You've really got a hold on me,  
You've really got a hold on me, Baby...." 

I recognize it as the John Lennon version and I want to cry, thinking of how Mom loved the Beatles. Also, those lyrics kill me right now.

Dad hums along and then turns the radio down. "Do you remember Bonnie singing this at that barbecue?"

"I think I was inside watching TV, but D.J. said she was amazing." It's weird that I remember that, when it's not even my memory.

"She was."

"Dad, what kind of trouble is Jackie in?" I feel guilty that I didn't ask right away.

He sighs and shakes his head. "Rog didn't go into detail, but Jackie showed up drunk at the Lunch Box."

"Wait, the Lunch Box went out of business ten years ago!"

"It's a Chinese restaurant now. But she showed up there and the owner called the police. So my friend Roger the cop, remember him?"

"Not really."

"Oh, well, anyway he called and said that if I come and get her, he won't take her in, but I've got to do it quick."

"Oh. Wait, how did he call you? I didn't hear the phone ring and you don't own a cell."

He hesitates and then says, "It's your Mom's phone. I didn't want to get rid of it, so I've been using it. I didn't think she'd mind."

"Do you get Uber requests?"

He chuckles. "A few."

I know that he saved it because it was hers, with her selfies and everything. For the hundredth time, I wonder what it's like to lose someone you loved for almost fifty years.

"What was David doing there tonight?"

I wince like Dad suddenly swerved on the icy road. I can't get into this now, not with Dad and not while we're going to get Jackie. I need to hold it together until I'm alone. "He came over to tell me that Blue made him get a tattoo." It's not a lie. It's just not the whole truth.

Dad chuckles. "That's worse than when you made him get his nose pierced." 

I'd forgotten that. "Yeah, it'll be harder to remove." 

Dad shakes his head. "That boy needs to grow a spine." David is a couple months older than I am, but Dad still sees us as kids. 

"Well, sometimes he stands up for himself." I want to bite my tongue as soon as I say it. David chose me and wants me to choose him. I murmur, "Potato chips." 

"What?" 

"The Lunch Box had the best potato chips." 

He chuckles again. "I miss their sandwiches." 

I remember being such a militant vegetarian teen that I didn't want anyone to eat at my mother's loose-meat restaurant, so I drew chalk outlines of dead animals in the parking lot. 

I hope that I've distracted Dad, but he asks, "What does the tattoo look like?" 

"I didn't see it. Um, he said it was embarrassing." 

Dad chuckles again. "Like Blue's face?" 

"Probably not anything that elaborate." 

"Maybe it's her name, in different shades of blue." 

"Maybe." Ordinarily, I'd be happy to speculate, but not right now. 

"Or maybe it's in an embarrassing place."

I remember now, David said it was ridiculous, not embarrassing. And he pointed at his thigh, but he was sitting, so maybe he meant his ass. "Maybe I shouldn't have told him to show it to the kids."

Dad laughs harder. He's still laughing when he pulls into the parking lot I vandalized twenty-six years ago because David called me a hypocrite and "a part of the giant meat-industrial complex" for taking money from my mom.

We go in and the cop, Rog, tells Dad that Jackie is smashed but the owners recognized her from when this used to be the Lunch Box. They won't press charges if we get her out of here.

She's waiting on tables, but she takes a break and sits with us. She tells us that Dad was right about Peter, who cheated on her. She says she "whipped the bejeezus out of him with a towel," which Dad can't help laughing at. I can't laugh, not at this, not right now.

She also says that the Lunch Box is the last place she was happy. That explains why she's here. She still had Andy then, and Mom.

She gets up to give someone a fortune cookie, from another table, reads it out loud and then says it's a lie, " 'cause it's supposed to say that your sister's gonna die and that, uh, the guy that you thought was gonna save you, he doesn't give a rat's ass about you. So that's your fortune!" Then she throws a bottle and it shatters.

I get her purse and Dad gets her out of the restaurant, although it's not easy when she's having a breakdown.

Dad puts her in the backseat and I ride shotgun again.

"Where to next? The Lobo?" she asks.

"Not tonight." I don't have the heart to remind her the Lobo Lounge closed up fifteen years ago.

Dad says, "We're taking you home."

"I can't go home. Peter might be there."

"Our home. I'll put the heat on in the basement."

"Thanks, Dan." It's quiet in the car for awhile. Dad doesn't even put the radio back on, maybe because Jackie will drunkenly sing along. Then Jackie says, "Wait! We have to go back! I forgot my tips."

"The thing is, Jackie, if I take you back, you're just gonna wanna go back again in an hour."

It's a lame, ancient joke, but it makes her laugh, hard.

When we get home, we help her into the house and down to the basement. I make up the spare bed while Dad tends to the furnace. It won't be too comfortable but it's better than her going back to the apartment she shares with Peter and Grandma.

"Hey, when's Grandma coming back from Dubuque?"

"Tomorrow night." She laughs. "That'll scare off Peter!"

"Yeah," Dad says and there's something in his eyes that scares me.

I wait until Jackie is tucked in, fully dressed except her shoes, and Dad and I have gone back upstairs before I say, "Don't. Please don't."

"Don't what?"

"This isn't like Fisher. Yes, Peter is awful but he's not abusive."

He shakes his head. "He's maybe worse. Playing mind games with her, taking her money. Cheating is the least of it."

"I am not bringing you bail money this time."

Dad lets out a reluctant laugh. "OK. I won't go tonight. And, yeah, him and Bev dealing with each other is maybe a worse punishment."

I know he's not entirely kidding. Neither am I.

"What was David doing here tonight?"

I sigh wearily. "He wants me back."

He shakes his head. "No. That's not happening."

"I know you've got a Dean-crush on Ben, but that's not your decision." Dean was Becky's transitional guy during one of her rare breakups with Mark, and Dad adored him, calling him "Dean, Dean, the son-in-law machine."

Dad doesn't laugh. "Darlene, I like David, but he is still a boy. Ben is a man. You need a man."

"Maybe I don't need anybody. Look how relationships have screwed up Jackie."

"You are not your aunt. Becky is."

I shake my head. "And I'm Mom, right?"

"Sometimes. And sometimes you're me. Mostly you're you, and you're gonna do what you're gonna do."

"Dad, what would you have done tonight if I'd already moved to Chicago with Ben?"

He shrugs. "Gone alone. Or called D.J. Maybe Becky if she hadn't had the baby. Or, hell, if this happened six months from now, I'd have woken up Emilio and taken him along, since Jackie likes him."

"You think Emilio's going to move in here, with Becky and the baby?"

"I don't know anymore what's going to happen in this family. Maybe I never did. I just try to cope. If you're not here to help me, I'll get by. I got by when you were in Chicago before."

"You had Mom then."

"Yeah," he says faintly, "I did."

"I should check on the kids."

He nods. "Goodnight, Darlene. And thanks."

I nod back. "Thanks for not ordering shrimp."

He looks confused and then laughs.

Both kids are in the room they share. If we move to Chicago, we'll get a three-bedroom apartment, or house. If.

Mark is practicing his scales on his tablet. Harris is texting again. They both look up when I come in.

"Is Aunt Jackie OK?" Harris asks.

"Dad said you and Grandpa had to go get her because she was in trouble."

I swallow. "She's going through some stuff. She's going to stay with us for awhile, in the basement."

"Oh," they both say.

I don't know whether to add more, then Harris says, "Dad said he broke up with Blue."

"Oh. Did he say why?"

"They just weren't getting along lately."

Mark says, "But he'll make sure that his new apartment has room for us to visit."

Does that mean David has accepted that we're going to Chicago? Or does he figure we'll stay in Lanford but he won't be living with us right away?

"That's cool. Um, it's been a long day and I'm going to bed."

"Goodnight, Mom!" Mark comes over and gives me a quick hug.

Harris just nods and says, "We can call the movers tomorow."

I laugh. "Thanks."

I go to my room and half expect David to be hanging from the windowsill. Hopefully he won't come back tonight.

It's not even eight o'clock but I wish I could sleep. At least it's the weekend. God, what am I going to tell Ben?

David still loves me. He never loved Blue, or not as much. What was that "soulmates" stuff back in October? Was he trying to convince me or himself?

I said I'd love him forever. I do still love him. But I also love Ben. God, I don't want to be in a triangle, like in one of Harris's favorite novels!

What if I hadn't listened to Mom and Becky last year? What if I got back with David for good?

It doesn't matter. I didn't, and I met Ben and I want to be with him.

But what if David's right? Even if I shouldn't be with him, maybe things won't work out with Ben. We still argue, and I keep secrets from him, and I am afraid to be vulnerable sometimes. I didn't get back with David because I was protecting my kids, but what if I drag them to Chicago and it doesn't work out? Then I'm back in Lanford, back in this room, unless Becky insists she, Emilio, and the baby should have it. 

Well, I guess I can have the basement, assuming Jackie's back with Grandma by then.

My phone chimes. I hesitate to look. I don't want to text Ben or David right now. For all I know, it's Blue, mad that I've ruined her chance to experience the miracle of childbirth. But maybe it's Becky and she needs me, and we do have a "loose agreement" to help each other.

I look. **Is Jackie OK?**

**Not really, but she will be.**

**Is there anything I can do?**

**Please don't contact me for a couple days.**

**OK.**

That's it. David giving in, for the moment. I know he'll text or call or drop by again next week but that buys me some time.

I want to call Ben but I can't. I'm not ready to face that. I just want to get through this weekend without dealing with anything else.


	27. Wishes

It takes me a long time to fall asleep but then when I get up and come downstairs, no one's around. Mark left a note that says _At church._ I think of checking on Jackie but I hope she's sleeping it off and I can pull myself together first.

I remember I'm going to see Ben tonight. What am I going to tell him?

I have to face it that maybe David is right. Not about me and him, but about me and Ben. Not that Ben is a stranger but we haven't been dating even two months yet, and I just met him in November. It's too soon to move in together, and what if it doesn't work out? The kids are excited about moving back to Chicago, but what if I do have to crawl back to Lanford again?

I can't rush into this. And it's not like I have to move in with Ben right away. If I can just give it a couple more months, I'll have time to sort out my feelings, for him, for David.

My phone chimes. I'm again afraid to look but I have to.

**I can't wait to see you tonight! Did you talk to your family yet? What did they say?**

I wish I could tease him about his eagerness. Like, **Whoa, slow down, Cowboy!** I know this has been a long weekend for him, too, in a different way. He's been waiting, as patiently as he can, to find out what his life in Chicago will be like.

I wish I could say **The kids and I would love to live with you in Chicago.** And it would be true, but I can't say it, because it wouldn't be fair to anyone, not now.

I type **I do want to talk to you about Chicago tonight, but right now I'm worried about my aunt. Her boyfriend cheated on her and last night my dad and I had to go get her in the middle of a drunken breakdown at a Chinese restaurant.**

After I send it, I think of Dad asking Ben if he has a crazy aunt, too, and Ben saying that he was gonna say yes but, after meeting Jackie, "I'm just gonna call her my aunt." And I think of how Ben loves hearing my stories about my colorful family.

**I'll be right over.**

I feel like I should try to stop him, but what could I say? And maybe I should get this over with now rather than tonight. I'll leave David out of it for now. Maybe I'll just say that my family needs me, because they do. But then won't they still need me in a couple months?

I think about it some more as I go upstairs and change out of my pajamas.

By the time he knocks on the front door, I know what I want to say.

He asks about Jackie and I say she's sleeping it off, although I still haven't checked on her. I'll go down to the basement after Ben leaves.

We sit on the couch for only the second time together. I remember sitting next to him the night he came over for dinner. I kept wanting to touch him, at least hold hands, but I felt self-conscious in front of my kids and father. Now I feel funny about touching him because of who was sitting here fifteen hours ago. We do sit close, facing each other.

I tell him he didn't have to come over, but he says, "Well, you said you wanted to talk about Chicago. Obviously anxious to hear, so what's up?"

"Um, I definitely want to move in with you, but I just can't leave my dad alone right now. He's too vulnerable."

He looks surprised, confused. "Your dad? He looks like he could still be swatting down airplanes from the top of the Empire State Building."

I know what he means. My dad is as tough as King Kong, but if you think about it, King Kong was pretty vulnerable. And I'm not lying really. Dad is strong but he needs my strength to support his, at least until things quiet down in our family.

I tell Ben that it wouldn't be fair to move to Chicago and then a couple months later realize that I should've stayed, but I say it's because of my dad. He asks if this is until my dad dies or if things might change. I say I just need time to get my dad used to the idea of my moving away. I promise to commute in the meantime.

I can't gauge Ben's reaction. Disappointed but not heartbroken, I think. Maybe he feels like we're rushing things, or at least understands that I feel that way.

He asks, "So, are we still on for tonight?"

"Yes, of course. Oh my God, why wouldn't we be?" Well, besides my undying love for my not-quite-ex-husband, a love that I'm too cowardly to tell my paramour about.

We exchange I-love-yous, a quick kiss, and a good hug. I know I'll have to tell him the whole truth tonight, but at least I've gotten through this part.

After he leaves, I go in the kitchen. Jackie is sitting at the table. She says she's been throwing up this morning, and she doesn't understand why she's got rice in her clothes.

I don't tease her. She's in too much pain. I do my best to give her a pep talk, but I end up rambling, partly because I need a pep talk myself: "No matter how horrible things seem right now, you just never know what's gonna happen tomorrow. So bad things turn to good, good things turn to great, great things turn to, uh, confusing, possibly great, but also possibly bad. But if you're lucky, they could be good things."

She says, "I think you went past your point." Then she tells me that she's dealing with "the toxic mess of her life" and my mom's death. "But I just got to work real hard on why I always look outside myself for happiness."

I remember telling Becky, right after I got with Ben, that she thought it would be a disaster "because I'm so spun out over Mom and divorcing David and money problems. You think I'm moving faster than I should because I'm just looking for a quick emotional fix." Maybe I'm like Jackie after all.

Jackie gets a text reminding her she has a life-coach client this morning. She has puke in her hair and wants to borrow a brush.

Becky comes in, with a new stroller, so I guess she did go shopping at the baby store with Emilio. Because I'm still a bratty kid sister, I ask her if she has a brush Jackie can borrow. She hands one over. Jackie thanks her and goes into the bathroom to try to pull herself together for her appointment. Yeah, I wouldn't want her coaching my life, but I do wish I could get real guidance from someone.

The stroller is full of generic products to replace the name-brand groceries Becky "borrowed" from us. I want to ask her about Emilio, but I kind of don't. I have enough to process this weekend. Plus I don't want her asking for an update on Ben.

Then Dad comes in and says that there was a big ICE raid downtown, and they hit the restaurants!

Dad and I argue about deportation, because I think the immigrants are just trying to have a better life, and he thinks it makes a difference if they're here illegally.

"Oh, so you don't have a problem with what's happening?"

"I have a big problem. I like the guy, my daughter's about to have his baby, and he may be getting dragged out of the country. You think I want that?"

Becky has a phone message from a number she doesn't recognize. With tears running down her face, she plays it back for us. Emilio is on his way to Juárez, Texas, where he'll be turned over to the authorities. He promises to find his way back to Becky and their baby.

I don't know what to do or say. This makes all our problems seem so small in comparison. Whether or not I get to ever move back to Chicago, I have a choice. Emilio is a victim of forces much bigger than he is.

Jackie comes back and says, "Here's your brush, Becky. Thanks." She looks at the three of us and then asks, "What's wrong?"

Becky sobs and I shake my head.

Dad says, "Emilio's been deported."

"No! That sweet kid?" Emilio is younger than Becky, I'm not sure how much, but I know that he seems like a kid to Jackie, who's over 60. "Do you want to talk about it, Becky?"

"You've got an appointment," I remind her.

"Oh, right. But, Becky, feel free to call me later, OK?"

Becky nods, still crying.

After Jackie leaves, Becky says, "I should go."

"No, stay for brunch," I hear myself say.

She stares at me and I don't blame her. "Brunch?"

"Yeah. D.J., Geena, and the kids should be back from church in awhile, so I'm going to make Sunday brunch for everyone."

She continues to stare. "Oh. Kay."

"I just need to make a phone call. Excuse me."

As I leave the room. I notice that Dad is staring at me, too. It's not that I don't cook, because obviously I do. But it's not like me to make a meal for everyone when there's no occasion. The thing is, there is an occasion. I need to tell my family that I'm not moving to Chicago. And I don't have the energy to tell them one by one. Also, if I don't talk to them individually, then I can resist the temptation to confide in someone about David. I wouldn't have told Dad if he hadn't asked twice. And he doesn't know that I made up my mind after we talked, although he's going to assume it's because of David, when that's just one factor.

I need to cancel my date with Ben. I just can't go over there tonight and either pretend that everything is OK or spill my guts. I'll tell him what I can tomorrow at work.

It's tempting to text but I feel cowardly enough. I'll call him and try not to give away too much in my voice. I did make it through talking to him face to face a little while ago. I can do this. And I should call early enough in the day that he won't have started cooking the elaborate dinner he promised.

He picks up on the second ring. "Hey, Baby, is everything OK?"

"No," I say, trying not to cry. "Emilio got deported."

"Becky's boyfriend? Oh no!"

I don't bother to explain that Becky and Emilio had only one date and I'm not sure what their relationship is now. She's clearly distraught about him leaving the country, so it doesn't really matter what label you put on him, not in that way. "She's really upset and, I'm sorry, but I don't want to come over tonight."

I can picture the Ben-nod. "Your sister needs you. Your family needs you."

"Yeah. I really want to see you, but I can't this weekend."

"Are you coming in to work tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"We'll talk then. You take care of yourself, Sweetie, and call me if you need anything."

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I don't cry until after we hang up.


	28. Brunch

I eventually pull myself together and go downstairs to start cooking. Dad and Becky are watching golf. Neither is a fan but the Super Bowl was last weekend (I caught some of it at Ben's), so there's no more football and not much that my dad wants to watch. I think the TV is just white noise for them right now. It's an excuse not to talk. I'm not really in the mood to talk either, not yet.

D.J., Geena, and Mary bring Mark home when I'm almost done cooking.

"Where's Harris?" I ask.

Mark says, "She said she had to do something at school."

"On a Sunday?"

Geena says, "I didn't buy it either, but you know Harris."

"What are you making?" D.J. asks.

"Brunch. I hope you all can stay."

He and Geena exchange a look about how weird this is, but their daughter eagerly asks, "Are we celebrating you and Mark and Harris moving to Chicago?" So even little Mary knows about Ben's offer. "I'm really gonna miss you guys, but Mom says you'll visit and maybe we can visit you."

Does that mean Geena is OK with the idea of my living in sin with Ben? Or does it seem less sinful with the kids there?

I'm saved from replying by Jackie coming in. "Hey, what are you making?"

"Um, brunch."

"Great! The nausea's worn off and I'm starved."

"What happened to your client?"

"We cut it short. Do you mind if I change before we eat?"

"Yeah, no problem."

The food is ready a minute later and D.J. and his family set the table. I wait until everyone is seated and has food in front of them before I stand up, clear my throat, and say, "I've gathered you all together today to—"

"To reveal the murderer!" Everyone looks at D.J., who looks self-conscious. "Sorry, it was a joke."

"Anyway," I say, and everyone looks at me again. "As most of you know, Ben asked me and the kids to move with him to Chicago."

"Wait, what?" Jackie says.

I sigh. "He asked me on Friday. I didn't really have a chance to tell you."

"Oh." She knows I'm not going to say in front of everyone why I didn't tell her.

"Anyway, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided it's just too soon in our relationship to live together."

The reactions range from Geena's "Praise Jesus!" to Mark's "No, Mom!"

I pat Mark's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Honey, but we can visit Ben in Chicago."

He nods. "Like we were going to visit Dad here."

I manage not to wince.

D.J. asks, "So are you saying you might move in with Ben later?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I'm not making any big decisions about it right now."

I notice that Dad and Becky aren't saying anything. I wonder what they're thinking, but I know they won't tell me in front of everyone. I'm grateful for that.

Jackie says, "I think Ben's a great guy but it's smart that you're not rushing into this." I know she's thinking of how she rushed into things with Peter. I feel like I did rush into a lot with Ben, but that doesn't mean I have to keep rushing.

"Thanks. Anyway, let's eat." I sit down and we eat.

Harris comes home in the middle of brunch, wearing an internship-interview-worthy dress. She tells us that she just came from the principal's office. So she was at school on a Sunday? Before I can ask her why, she says she has "bad news": we were wrong about her, I guess about her being an underachiever, and she's getting her article published in the Sunday _Chicago Sun-Times!_

I thought Geena said it'd be the school paper, but maybe I made that assumption, or she did.

Everyone is happy for her and I again ask what the article is about. She describes it and it sounds like she totally trashes Lanford and everyone who lives here. Now, teenage Darlene would've cheered her on, but Mom Darlene knows this cannot end well. For one thing, she says that it's only a matter of time before anyone living here becomes a drunk or a drug addict, which is like a slap in the face to Becky and sort of Jackie.

"...Thank God we're moving to Chicago, because I have burned some bridges to the ground. This is my big 'So long, and screw you, Lanford!' "

I say, "We have to talk," and try to steer her towards the empty seat at the table.

She pulls away and mutters, "Upstairs."

I sheepishly say, "Enjoy the brunch, Everyone," then follow my daughter up to the room she'd hoped to escape.  


In a way, I'm glad she doesn't want to have this out in front of the entire family. But it's going to be hard to hold back if we talk one on one, and I haven't told Ben everything yet.

We get to her room and she sits on the edge of her bed so I sit on the edge of Mark's. She crosses her arms and says, "We're not moving to Chicago with Ben, are we?"

"Well, no. Maybe in a couple months, depending on how things go."

She shakes her head. "What excuse did you give them downstairs?"

"The truth."

"Which truth?"

I sigh. "That I didn't want to rush into things with Ben. I mean, more than I have already. Moving in together is a huge step, especially with you and Mark along."

"Uh huh. And what truth did you tell Ben? Or have you not told him yet?"

"I told Ben this morning that your grandfather needs me."

"Grandpa's tough. And he'll have Aunt Jackie and Aunt Becky."

"Well, Aunt Jackie had a drunken breakdown last night, and Emilio got deported this morning."

"What?"

I sigh. "Yeah, so Becky's pretty upset of course and this is just not a good time to run off to Chicago, even if Ben and I had been together longer."

"Not to mention that you're still technically married."

"Yeah," I say quietly.

"So a lot has happened this weekend."

"Yeah."

"Including Dad dumping Blue."

I don't like where this is going but I don't know how to stop her. Yes, she's sort of my mini-me, but Mom didn't always know how to protect herself from my insights either. "Yeah, well, they had their differences but your dad is tougher than he looks, and he'll be fine."

"Especially if he rebounds to you."

I shake my head. "I'm with Ben now."

"Uh huh. Dad's still in love with you, isn't he?"

I could deny it, but even if Harris wasn't eavesdropping last night, David may try to get her on his side by telling her. I wouldn't put it past him to use the kids to get me back. "He says he is, but you know, we were together a long time, and I probably look good in comparison to Blue."

"And how does Dad look to you?"

"I, I can't talk about this with you."

"Why not? You've always wanted us to be honest with each other."

I laugh. "Seriously? I don't have a freaking clue about your love life, and you're the one all up in my business."

"I don't have a love life. I date and it never goes anywhere. I'm not the one who has three guys madly in love with her."

"Neil is just infatuated."

"Besides, even if anyone were in love with me, or I were in love with someone, I wouldn't be moving you and Mark around like furniture."

"I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to move to Lanford but I had no choice then. I'd lost my job and I needed a chance to restart."

"Yeah, and then you and the family have this total codependent thing that we're never going to break out of. You just want to live in the past, surrounded by them. If you and Dad get back together, it'll be just like it was when you were young."

I stare at her. "Is that what you think?"

"Sometimes. I mean, yeah, you've told me how miserable you were when you were my age, but I think it's comforting for you to be around all these familiar things, like the afghan on the couch and the Godzilla doll."

"Action figure," I correct automatically, although I'm thinking of how Jackie tried to go back to the Lunch Box because it was comfortingly familiar.

She ignores the correction and continues, "And I know I should totally be TeamDad, to want you to drop the divorce, but Ben means you can try new things, and I want that for you."

I feel like crying. "How can you be so sweet and so bitchy at the same time?"

She shrugs. "I'm your daughter."

I shakily laugh. "Look, I'm very confused right now and this has been quite a weekend. Well, the whole winter has been crazy. I'm not going to rush into anything. With anyone. I'm going to try to be honest with Ben and your dad, and with myself. But you are still the child and I'm still the mom and I'm not going to tell you everything every step of the way. I'll let you know the big stuff when it happens. Deal?"

"Deal. So, Mommy, can you help me get out of this mess with the _Sun-Times_?"

I sigh wearily. "I'll tell your principal that I believe that a true lady is only in the newspaper when she's born, married, and died." I remember reading that in a biography once, I forget whose.

She laughs. "You're crazy, Mom, and I love you."

"I love you, too, Princess."

She winces and I laugh, even though I mean it.


	29. Trapezoid

I feel nervous on the way to work. It's different than when I had a crush on Ben. Then there were all these unknown possibilities, but I was uncharacteristically and cautiously optimistic. Now, there are many unknown possibilities, but I'm going to have to hurt someone, maybe many people, to explore them.

I think of the times I haven't wanted to talk and Ben's gotten it out of me, like our first fight and the recent disagreement over the piano lessons. This isn't like that. There is no easy resolution. But I won't wait for him to bring it up. I've waited long enough, even if it's not much more than thirty-six hours since everything changed.

When I get to work, he gets out of his chair and hugs me before I even take off my coat. He's so warm and strong and solid. I wish I could snuggle into him and forget the rest of the world.

He lets go first and asks, "How are you doing?"

"Not great," I say as I slip off my coat.

"Yeah, you had quite a weekend."

I want to say, "More than you know," but I instead say, "Let's sit down."

"OK." He goes over to his desk and is about to sit down, but my desk is closer to the door, so by then I've hung up my coat and rolled my chair out to the middle of the floor. His eyebrows go up, but he doesn't say anything. He rolls his chair from behind his desk to just in front of it. When we sit down, we're closer than we are behind our desks, but not as close as we were on my couch yesterday morning.

I swallow and then launch into it, because for once he's not drawing it out of me. "So, you were right when you said my family needs me. Not just Becky, not just my dad, but all of them." I wait for him to say something like he did on Friday about my mom not wanting me to sacrifice myself, but he just sits there silently. So I cough and continue. "I do hope that in a couple months they won't need me as much. But something else happened this weekend and I should've told you before but I was scared."

He crosses his arms. "It's David, isn't it?"

I'm surprised but not. He can see through me sometimes. "Yeah, it is," I say quietly.

"So was it like a kiss, or a, or a—"

I blink. "No, no, it's nothing like that!"

He uncrosses his arms and waves them as if he wants to erase what he just said. "God, Baby, I'm sorry! I'm a jealous idiot. You were going to tell me he resents you moving the kids to Chicago after he moved here to be near them, right? I'm so sorry."

I can't let him beat himself up about this. He's right to be jealous, but not the way he thinks. Plus, I hate how he sounds like Neil apologizing when I guilted him about wanting to eat shrimp. "No, wait. David does want me back but we didn't do anything."

He exhales loudly. "Where are you going with this?"

I look down at my hands because I can't meet his eyes right now. "It was Saturday night, just before Dad and I had to go get Jackie. David came over and told me he dumped Blue and he still loves me."

"And what did you say?"

"I told him that I'm with you now and you asked me to move to Chicago with you."

"I'd find that a hell of a lot more comforting if you were in fact moving to Chicago with me."

I look up and see that he's crossed his arms again. He's quietly angry and I don't blame him. I haven't even gotten to how I feel about David, but I know I need to say everything while Ben's still listening.

"I meant everything I said to you about why I can't live with you right now, but, yes, I left this part out."

"Why?"

"Because I was trying to process it with everything else going on. And I knew you'd be mad at me."

"I wouldn't have been mad if you hadn't kept it from me. But I'm not as mad at you as I am at that manipulative little shit you're still married to."

I flinch. Weirdly, I feel more like defending David than myself, although Ben isn't entirely wrong. "He's not a little shit."

"But he's manipulative."

"Sometimes." There's no point in denying it. We've talked about betas enough.

Ben exhales loudly, stands up, and rolls his chair back behind his desk.

"What are you doing?"

"I write best at my desk."

"Wait, you're going back to work?"

"No, that would be the Darlene solution, stuff down my feelings and pretend I can focus on work." I flinch again, although I deserve that. "And I can't do the Ben solution, wait until the next morning, when I've had time to cool off and think things through. Or the stupid young hothead Ben solution, which would've been to beat David to a bloody pulp. Because I don't think that would win you over."

"Probably not," I manage to say.

"So," he says as he sits down and picks up the brainstorming pad that we use sometimes, "as calmly and as rationally as I can, I'm going to ask you some questions and write down your answers."

I feel like I'm on trial and he's a lawyer, but I can't tell if he's the defense attorney or the prosecution. Still, I appreciate that he's willing to try to be adult about this. "OK."

"So," he says, looking at his pen cup, "first tell me everything David ever told you about Blue."

"About Blue?"

"Yeah, the woman, not the color," he says, choosing a blue pen.

"Uh, OK. Well, last June I guess it was, he told me he met someone and he wanted a divorce."

"Did he call you, text you, tell you over coffee?"

I blush and cough. "Um, he climbed up to my bedroom window and asked me to let him in."

"So you let him in."

"Yeah."

He writes something down, then he says, "So let's break that down a little further. He met someone. What did he tell you about her at the time?"

"Well, her name, which took me awhile to get over."

"I still haven't gotten over it."

We actually chuckle together, which is weird under the circumstances, but that's us.

"And, um, she made him see things, like about how he needed to be in our kids' lives."

"OK, and did he say he was in love or that she didn't want to date a married man or what? Why the divorce?"

I roll my eyes. "He said she said she wouldn't 'merge their spiritual paths until he and I signed divorce papers.' "

Ben says just audibly as he writes, "Hippie chick wouldn't fuck married man."

"That's not what he said."

"I'm translating."

"That's not what happened. Obviously they, um, do it and he's not divorced yet."

I expect Ben to call me on "yet," but instead he says, "You literally can't say 'fuck' about them."

I sigh. "The idea of Blue having sex with anyone, not just David, turns my stomach."

"Point taken. OK, so he was selfishly asking for a divorce because he met someone."

"Sort of. He also said he wanted to give me closure."

"And what did you say?"

"I said I didn't know how I felt about him and he came in there and threw all this stuff at me."

"Like he did this past Saturday."

"Um, yeah." I hadn't consciously made that connection before.

Ben writes something down. "OK, so was that when he cheated on Blue with you, that night?"

"Um, yeah."

He writes something else down, then says, "We'll come back to that. OK, that was June and you guys didn't file for divorce until October. Why the four-month gap?"

"It was more like three months. Well, three and a half."

"What happened in the meantime?"

I think back but the summer was kind of a blur. "Well, the main thing was my mom had all these health issues and then." I don't say, "And then she died." It feels too blunt, or like I'm asking for pity.

Ben's expressive eyes flash sympathy and I know that he wishes he could hug me again, but he can't while we're in the middle of this. His voice is gentler on "So you just let things slide with David" than the words might suggest.

"Yeah, I saw him of course, because of the kids I mean. He moved to town, near Mark's school, and he spent time with both of them. I vaguely said the kids could stay overnight sometime, but I don't know, I guess you'd say I was being possessive."

He shrugs. "Considering he abandoned you when you were pregnant, I can understand you being cautious."

"Yeah," I say quietly. "We didn't talk about it, or the divorce. And eventually Blue moved to town and in with David."

"When was that?"

"Sometime after my mom died, because he didn't bring Blue to the funeral."

Ben looks a little surprised. "Would she have gone? I mean, they'd never met."

I can't help snorting. "That wouldn't have stopped her. She made David take her to a parent-teacher meeting, when she'd only met Mark twice. Besides, she would be there as emotional support for David losing the woman who was like a mother to him."

He writes something down, then says, "So your mother died in September and you two finally filed for divorce in October, with Blue moving in with David somewhere in between. Can you clarify the timeline?"

He really does sound like a lawyer, but I don't feel like teasing him about it. I clear my throat. "Well, a bunch of stuff happened at once, in just two or three days. Blue and I met at that parent-teacher meeting, and that was a surprise. And then I got another surprise when I heard that the kids were going to stay over with David and Blue that weekend. I went along with it, despite my reservations, because they are his kids, too, and he said Blue was going to be a part of their lives, like for graduations and stuff."

"So this was serious with them? I mean at that point."

"Yeah, we were talking on our own, in my living room when he came to pick up the kids, and he, he called her his soulmate."

"What do you think he meant by that?"

I swallow. "Obviously I've given that a lot of thought over the last few months."

"Especially the last few days."

"Yeah. And, um, earlier in that conversation, I was teasing him about whether I could tell Blue that we slept together, and he admitted, um."

"Go on."

"He admitted that he was ready to break up with Blue after that, because, um, it was great sex."

"Of course it was." Ben isn't being sarcastic. He, well, he knows I'm good in bed, and I assume he thinks David would agree.

"He said I was confusing him by bringing it up, and the night it happened, I mean when I first kissed him, he said he was confused and turned on."

"Of course he was. And we'll get back to that. But you must have just felt like a piece of ass."

"What?"

"You know, booty call with the not-yet-ex-wife for old time's sake. But Blue was his soulmate."

"That's not how it happened!"

He sets down his pen and pad, leans back in his chair, and crosses his arms. "Oh, really? Climbing into your room to ask for a divorce? Who does that?"

"David?"

"Apparently." He sighs, uncrosses his arms, leans forward, and picks up the pen and pad. "So, this is just a guess since I haven't met the guy, but maybe he was telling himself that it was just about sex, a physical thing with you, while it was more spiritual with Blue, although they must've been boning by then."

"Ugh, 'boning' is worse than 'fucking' if it's in the same sentence with Blue."

"Sorry." He smiles a little but then frowns and taps his pen on the pad. "So you two were together in some form for over twenty-five years. Bonded over making graphic novels, cried on each other's shoulders, dealt with your crazy families together, laughed, fought, had two kids, etc. But Blue was the one who turned his life around and he didn't have baggage with her, so she was the soulmate. OK, I'll cut him some slack since he probably didn't date much besides you."

"No, I dated more during our longest breakup than he did. I'm not even sure if he's slept with anyone besides me and Blue."

"And she's an ex-dominatrix and currently a massage therapist, so she's literally manipulative."

"I'm impressed that you've used 'literally' correctly twice in one conversation."

"I am a journalist, Darlene."

"Right. Sorry. So, um, yeah. I guess. David was always much more of an idealist than I was, so that might be part of the thing with Blue. She is controlling, but subtler and like she's not even aware of it, and she's not cynical. So I guess that would be refreshing?"

"Which explains why you went for the most cynical guy you could find."

We both smile a little at that. I feel like, under other circumstances, this not-quite-flirting could escalate and we could finally use the condoms he's got stashed in his desk. But I know we have to keep going with this analysis of our romantic trapezoid.


	30. Civilized

Ben glances down at the pad. "So is that when he brought up the divorce papers again?"

"No, actually that was me. Um, I slept with Neil while the kids had their sleepover, not knowing that Harris would sleep with her boyfriend, with Blue's knowledge and consent."

"How did you find out? About Harris I mean."

"Um, David came over the next morning, to the front door, right as I was doing the walk of shame from Neil's car. I don't think David saw Neil. I mean, he didn't say anything about it, then or later."

"OK." Ben writes something down and then says, "So how did he tell you?"

"It took him awhile to work up to it. And I remember he told me, 'Harris ended up telling her what happened and they really bonded over it.' So I don't know if he knew at the time that Blue and Harris talked about it beforehand, but that was bad enough. So I drove over there to yell at Blue."

"Which is probably what David wanted."

"What do you mean?"

"What guy doesn't love a catfight?"

I shake my head. "David isn't like that."

"Uh huh. And was David there when you yelled at Blue?"

"Um, yeah. I mean, I got there first, and David had said he had to go to work, but he followed me."

"Uh huh. And what did David do?"

"Nothing. Looked caught in the middle."

"Uh huh."

"But we weren't fighting over him!"

"No, but on some level he was probably enjoying it."

"You make David sound sick or Machiavellian. He's not like that. He's really sweet and he probably didn't want me to kill his girlfriend, even though he wouldn't have known how to stop it."

"OK, maybe you're right. You know him. I'm just asking you to see this from another perspective."

"Well, thank you. And, OK, I admit there are patterns here, but I don't think David was scheming or anything. He's not analytical like you. And, you know, maybe you're the Machiavellian one, putting David in such a bad light that he's no threat to you."

"Well, that's more civilized than beating him to a bloody pulp, isn't it?"

I shake my head and laugh. "Your folks should never have sent you off to J-school."

"I know. I could've stuck to football and be married to an ex-cheerleader now."

"Sorry."

"Shall we continue?"

"Why the hell not? It's not like we'll get any work done today."

"That's what I figure." He goes to the next page. "So when did you bring up the divorce?"

"When David came by that night to see the kids. I said it was clear that things were serious with him and Blue, and it was time we got a divorce."

"What did he say?" 

"He said it'd be weird not being married to me anymore. And I think we both felt like it was so final, not like before, where we could've backed away from ending it."

He doesn't point out that David is doing that now. Instead he asks, "And what has he told you about Blue since then? I mean before this weekend." 

"Nothing." 

"Nothing?" 

"Nothing major. I actually talked about their relationship more with Blue during that time, and not that often."

"Did she say he was her soulmate?" 

"Nothing like that. She complained about him and wanted to change him. Which I can understand, but why come to me?"

"Well, that's a whole other discussion. Right now, I want to hear what David said about Blue when he told you they broke up." 

"Oh." This part is going to be harder, because it's so recent and because it has to do with me and David. "Well, he told me she wants kids with him, which I already knew." 

"Do you think it was just about her biological clock ticking or did she want kids specifically with David?" 

"I don't know. He did say she wanted to get married, which is more than she'd told me."

"So either she's nuts about the guy, if she wants all that after dating less than a year, or she wants the hippie version of the white picket fence and he's the best she's gonna do."

"I don't know. I don't pretend to understand her."

"OK, so is this why he dumped her? Because she was getting too serious?"

I take a deep breath. "Yeah. And, OK, he told me he didn't want all that with her, the way he'd wanted it with me."

"Wait a minute. I thought you guys got married because you were pregnant."

"That's why we got married young. We were in love years before that."

"Are you in love now?" he asks quietly.

"Ben."

"I told you to count me in for you possibly ripping my heart out. Go ahead, I'm ready now."

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to be in this situation."

"You don't want to be in love with both me and David. But you are."

"Yeah," I admit quietly, as tears start trickling down my cheeks, like the women in Jackie's old romance comics, although they're probably not perfectly shaped tears and I'm not wearing mascara and a bouffant. "I like being in love with you, but I don't want to have feelings for David, beyond wanting him to be a good father to our kids."

Ben sighs deeply and sets down the pad and pencil again. "Maybe we should've held back, until you had more time to get over him. If you ever will."

"Ben, I am so sorry. I know David and I aren't good for each other. But there's this connection, a really strong connection. Yes, it's physical but it's emotional, too. And I don't know how to fight it."

"Why are you fighting it?"

I blink in surprise. "What?"

"When he crawled into your room that night, and you slept together, and he was willing to dump Blue, why didn't you get back together?"

"Because my mom and sister talked me out of it. I mean, they were right, of course."

"Were they?"

"Uh, Mr. Prosecutor, whose side are you on?"

"I'm on your side. I love you and, although this puzzles my entire family and the old friends I saw over Christmas, you are probably my best friend."

"Um, OK."

"I am trying to be not just the betrayed 'other man' here. I am trying to help you think this all through. If you need to be with David, then I have to pick up my shredded heart and move on."

"Like you did after Disney World?"

"That's, that's completely different."

"Is it? I think you'd rather just walk away when things get tough."

"Do you want me to fight for you? Do you want me to kick David's ass? Because you know I could."

"Hell, D.J. kicked David's ass, when he was twelve. That wouldn't prove anything."

"Exactly. So help me help you. What am I supposed to do?"

I sigh. "I don't know. I doubt I'll get back with David, but I feel weird about making a serious commitment to you when my heart is split."

"So, OK, let's give this time. I'm still moving to Chicago because this is an amazing opportunity that I'm not going to give up just to hang around Lanford and wait for you to get over David."

"Of course. Shit, I feel guilty enough that I'm making Harris stay here."

He chuckles, still one of my favorite sounds in the world. "Yeah. Do you still want to commute?"

"Of course. If you still want me to work for you."

"Definitely. Even if we end up breaking up, which I hope we won't obviously, you are a huge part of this magazine."

"Employee of the Month three months running."

"Yeah, well, I may skip the award for February."

"That's fair. Should I telecommute the rest of the month?"

"Nah, I think I will. I mean, I've got to get things set up in the new office. Can you hold down the fort here?"

"Well, I've had practice recently. Oh, I just realized! What do you want to do about Mark's piano lessons?"

"You really don't expect me to go over there today, do you?"

"No, um, I'll text Mark that you've got to get ready for the move and you won't have time for the lessons for awhile."

"I am sorry. I do think Mark is a great kid. And I don't mean that in a Blue kind of way, where I think I've known him forever."

"I know."

"Do you think she knows you slept with David? I mean by now."

"Maybe it came up when they broke up. I just know she threw a toaster at him."

Ben chuckles. "Aren't you glad I didn't throw the coffeemaker at you?"

"We're more civilized." I chuckle and then frown. "So this is a breakup?"

He sighs again. "No, like I said, it's a break."

"OK. Yeah."

"On the bright side, I won't make you wear lingerie on Thursday."

I want to laugh but I start crying again.

"Oh, Baby! Come here!"

I go to him without hesitation. I climb into his lap and he holds me. He's crying a little, too. We don't kiss. This isn't romantic. It's just two normally stoic people crumbling a little, sharing our strength and our weakness.

Until eventually I stand up, dry my eyes on an unused sheet of the brainstorming pad, and say, "I'm going to write up some interview questions for the Internet Department."

He nods and he goes back to work, too.


	31. Valentines

"No offense, but this is not how I pictured spending Valentine's Night."

"Hey, you invited me," I remind my sister.

"Only because you need your ass kicked."

She's beating me at pool again. I don't have to let her win, because I suck, but I'd do it if I had to. It's the least I can do for her.

I say, "Life has done a pretty good job of that lately."

"Oh, poor little Darlene! Three guys want her, and one of them has offered her a dream job in Chicago."

"Why does everyone count Neil?" I ask irritably. "I liked him but it wasn't the romance of the century."

She shrugs and then lines up another shot. "Do you remember Barry and Brian fighting over you at our party?"

Of course I remember. It was before David, back when I was even more clueless about guys than I am now. Brian was the boy I experimented with to see if I liked making out. I did like it but it all happened so fast, before I could process it. And Brian wanted to actually date, yeah, a proto-Neil.

Barry was the older boy I liked who liked Becky better, or at least liked her popularity. And they fought over me, which I agreed with Becky at the time was weird. Later it was David and Jimmy, although Jimmy was a boxer and they never actually fought. And David and Ben haven't even met, unlike me and Blue.

Becky hasn't even waited for my answer. Maybe it was a rhetorical question, or maybe she cares more about pool than about this conversation.

But I wonder about something. "Who told you David wants me? Or did you guess?"

She looks up from the pool table. "David has always wanted you, probably since Mark, my Mark, told him I had a smart-ass little sister."

I feel like I've always known this somehow, just like when Mom told me there were better ways to piss her off, like maybe Mark had a little brother I could date. And he did. Not that David and I were fated to be together. I mean, Lanford is a small town. We were going to hook up eventually. I just didn't know we'd still be hooked twenty-seven years later.

"Blue told me."

"Told you what?"

"That David wants you."

Again that surprised-but-not feeling. "Did he tell her or did she guess?"

She sighs and sets down her cue, like she's reluctant to talk about this and like she's had trouble keeping it in. "I called in sick on Sunday. I just couldn't face not seeing Emilio there."

I nod and don't ask what this has to do with my trapezoid. I feel guilty that I haven't talked to her about this in the past few days, even if that's partly because she didn't want to talk about it until tonight. "But I got my shit together to come in on Monday. I mean, they were down three staff because of the raid and Ramon was sending me guilt-tripping emails, like it was my fault."

"Wait, full-on emails, not texts?"

She shrugs. "He's a manager."

I sort of get that, because of Ben. It's the kind of methodical thing some bosses do. "So you went to work on Monday," I prompt.

"Yeah, and Louise was there and I hate her."

"Why? She seems really nice and cool."

"That's why I hate her."

"Oh. Kay."

"She understood that I was starting to fall for Emilio after holding back. Not that she said anything, but I could tell from the way she acted."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I don't want to like her."

"Because she's interested in Dad? That's real mature."

She shakes her head. "Mom hasn't been dead even six months. Dad shouldn't be dating or getting close to another woman for another year or two."

"They're friends. Maybe they'll be more later but Dad doesn't rush into things. That's just the women in our family who do that."

She smiles a little and then sighs. "I was trying not to rush into things with Emilio, I mean the emotional part. And even the physical part, all we did on Saturday was kiss a little. But somehow it hurts more, that I tried to protect myself. And, I know, he's the one whose whole life is ruined. But I do care about him and worry about him."

"I know," I say quietly.

She takes another shot and makes it. "Anyway, I was trying to deal with my shit and do my job and then in comes Blue that night, wanting to cry on my shoulder like we're best friends."

"Well, you did sort of encourage her."

"Yeah, but, jeez, what does she expect? It's my sister she got dumped for. Am I supposed to take her side?"

I hate that I'm going to ask this but of course I can't help it. "What did she say about me?"

"Oh, that David told her you're practical and realistic and she's flaky."

"So she didn't say, um."

"No, she didn't say that David confessed that he slept with you the night he asked for a divorce."

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

"Nah, I didn't want her to know you're a wild woman who fucks on desks."

"Becky!" I blush and hope no one heard that.

She rolls her eyes. "Like anyone here cares. Anyway, it's better that Blue thinks you're boring and dependable."

"Plain and sturdy."

"Exactly."

"So what advice did you give her?"

"I told her that if you could find someone better than David, she certainly could."

There are so many things wrong with that, but I say, "I'm sure she found that comforting."

She shrugs. "She asked me if if I thought she'd be a good single mom."

"Well, that was a quick recovery."

"She's still upset about David, but I think she thinks it might be easier to have a baby without a partner, like I chose this."

"You'll be OK," I say.

She doesn't reply but instead lines up another shot and makes that, too. She straightens up and says, "So that was Monday. Guess who showed up on Tuesday?"

"Andrea?" That's the woman Becky was going to be a surrogate mother for, but then the doctor told them that Becky was infertile.

"No. It was Grandma."

"Oh. How did the dog races in Dubuque go?"

"Good. She won."

I want to make a joke, like that she was a jockey, but I just say, "That's nice."

"She suggested I move in."

"With her and Jackie?"

"Yeah, now that Peter's gone."

"That would be, um, interesting."

"Translation from Darlenian: three women who have problems with alcohol and men."

"Well, yeah."

"I'd rather move into the basement back home, since you and your spawn have claimed the top floor."

"Talk about interesting."

She laughs and then sighs. "Anyway, I thanked her but said that I'm doing OK living on my own. And you are sticking around for awhile, right?"

"I'll stay at least until you have the baby." That would likely be June, which is hopefully enough time to figure out what I want.

"Thanks. So then, guess who dropped by last night."

"Neil again?"

"Close."

"David?"

"Yeah."

It makes sense that he would want to talk to her, even though I don't think they've had a real conversation in years, maybe not since Mark, her Mark, died. But they used to be close, especially during the months of the longest break-up, when I was with Jimmy and then after. It's a little weird that he would talk to her at the restaurant, because he's a more private person than Blue and everyone, but maybe he didn't say much.

"What did he say?"

"A lot of stuff, but not at the restaurant. He asked when my break was and I told him, and he got a salad, and then we went for a walk on my break."

I can picture it, including the snow. Maybe David would offer his arm, or maybe they'd just hug awkwardly when they got outside.

"First he asked if I knew about him breaking up with Blue, so I told him a little about her visit. And he said he loves you. He never stopped loving you."

"What about Blue? What about all that with Blue?"

"Why don't you ask him? He said that he texted you on Monday and you said you'd call him this weekend."

I couldn't deal with David that night, not after my draining talk with Ben at work. Also, after Ben putting David in the worst light, I didn't see how I could give David a fair hearing. But I wondered what he had to say, and I still wonder.

"What did he tell you about Blue?"

She sighs, takes another shot, and misses, but I don't take my turn. "Do you remember Molly?"

"Our neighbor? Yeah, but how do you remember her? She moved in when you were off in Minneapolis."

"David told me about her, when we were hanging out and you were with whatshisname the boxer."

"Oh. So he was just trying to make me jealous?"

"He wanted things to work out with Blue, to move on. But he couldn't get over you."

I wait for the insult, her bafflement at anyone wanting me so much for so long. When it doesn't come, I say, "So when he first asked me for a divorce, was he hoping I would set him free or did he want me to reclaim him?"

"He didn't know, but he had to see what would happen. And when you guys fought the next morning, it was disappointing but comforting. Nothing had changed. Nothing would change."

I remember my daughter, who David looks like, telling me why I'm back in the house I grew up in. I also remember something else from this weekend, something I didn't tell Ben when he asked me what David told me about Blue. "On Saturday, he said that the only reason he moved in with Blue was because I told him we were through."

"Yeah, he told me that, too. And I told him that I think you both need to move on, which doesn't mean moving in with other people but just getting your separate shit together."

I want to laugh. I want to cry. I think about how she didn't have a choice about living without Mark. She's been with a lot of men since then, but not really with anybody. She hasn't let herself care about any man since Mark, until Emilio.

"I'm really sorry about Emilio. And I'm sorry I haven't been able to focus on that this week."

She shrugs. "There's nothing you can do. Unless you want to ask Ben to sponsor him."

"Well, maybe if his English were better, he could help us put out a Spanish version of the magazine, at least online."

"I was kidding."

"Oh."

"Anyway, it's your move."

It takes me a moment to realize she's talking about pool. It's hard to focus on the shot, but it doesn't matter because, even when I was a tomboy, I always sucked at pool. I'll have my turn and then it'll be up to her to finish the game. And then we can go home, her to solitude, me to the chaos of whichever family members are around.

I make the shot. She looks as surprised as I feel. Then she mutters, "You suck." I try not to laugh. I line up my next shot but, right as I'm about to hit the ball, Becky says, "Let me know what David's tattoo looks like."

I miss of course. "You suck."

She cackles, sounding eerily like our mother. "Happy Valentine's Day, Darlene."

For once, I'll let her get the last word.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If _The Conners_ gets renewed, as I expect it will be, I'll write something based on Season Two. If it's cancelled, I'll probably still write a different story rather than continue this one. As much as I'd like to write the scene between David and Darlene where they talk things out, it doesn't belong in this story, which is more about Ben and Darlene. In any case, thank you for reading this far.


End file.
